Happy Holidays!

Ok, so I'm home now. Here are some things I need to do:

• Read Song of Solomon for English
• File Financial Information

Fun stuff indeed. I can't remember them exactly, but I keep having these bad dreams of being denied by BMC. Is that a sign that it means that much to me to get in? I really don't know what would happen if I didn't. I probably would cry about it. Imagine me taking a year off. Not gonna happen. Even within a time span so short as the Winter Break, my brain starts to decay. I worry alot when I'm idle for periods of time, yet I do nothing to get over it, like for example, the things I've got to do (i.e. the above). I am the ultimate procrastinator. It's really rare that I get the drive to do what I need to internally. It takes an awful lot of nagging. That's bad. Come college, I won't have much of anyone breathing by my back. Hopefully I'll be so engaged, it won't really matter. I find I don't like seeing what's coming for me. I like to stare out of the back windows.

So anyway, Christmas is long past. These sort of things, holidays to be precise, slowly start to lose their meaning. I've started to realize how everything has become so commercial. Once you learn the true value of material things, most holidays are just another day on the calendar that someone else you don't know, and more often than not, care about, mandated as important. I think I'm done ranting for now.

Yesterday was a very strange Christmas. It was kinda short, but still had that magical kind of feel. Of course, it had nothing to do with the gifts. Just being around the ones you love, and/or are starting to love, is loads of fun. Xmas Eve, we (my sister, my mother, Noah, and I) went last minute shopping. Except for dodging a mass of some of America's rudest people in the bitter cold (which I didn't feel much thanks to my massive coat), it was fun. After it was all done, we stopped in Mickey D's to munch. This crazy old lady comes to our table and gives us this whole spiel about marriage and whatnot. For whatever reason in the world, she thought that my sister was my daughter, and that Noah was my husband. The fact that my mother was seated at the table did not seem to occur to her. That was the oddest thing in the world. I felt much better once she walked away. Odd, but interesting. That day altogether was a great experience, though, because my mother gained a greater respect for the boy. If she's comfortable about him, I'm more comfortable about him. But about Dad... that, I fear, will never change. Patriarchal instinct is far more stubborn than the matriarchal it seems.

Christmas day, about fiveish, Noah and I took a hike. We went to 42nd street to an arcade place. He felt the need to, once again, show off his amazing DDR skills, as if I hadn't gotten wind of them the first time. I truly despise playing that game in public. It makes me nervous, like many things. And OMG. He beat me at air hockey! That is a sin. So after that, after running from the WAY overcrowded AMC and Lowes theaters on 42nd, we went to a Lowes theater on 86th street (?) to see Blade: Trinity. It wasn't as bad as I'd thought it was going to be. Ryan Reynolds was in the movie, the comic relief character. Now that I think about it, he was in Van Wilder! Amazing, the difference a beard and a little makeup can make. I dunno whether I like that one better. I do believe it was a tad funnier, though. Surprisingly enough, Jessica Biel's role was kind of weak. I don't feel like she played a memorable role in the movie. YAR. After that, we went to a Chinese Restaurant. Now most chicks are like, I wanna go somewhere classy. That doesn't really happen that often with me. What's the point? It should be you that's making me happy, not the food. This all sort of goes back to the material possessions deal.

Note: This entry was interrupted, but I did not wish to discard it nor edit it. Therefore, it is presented to you today (01-03-05), as it was before this day. Whether everything within it remains true is another story. Enjoy.

Day # 71

Kinda drained. I could not get to sleep until three last night, and I haven't got the slightest clue why. [/end sarcasm] I have to pack, I have to shop, I have to finish this application. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Andrea took me out to lunch today. With her friend Ben, who I call Super Man. He just sorta reminds me of the dude from Smallville. Only MUCH taller. And skinnier. We went to Cheng Heng. Egg Foo Young is yummy. Greasy, but yummy. Especially fresh out of the kitchen. I'm going to miss her so much. If no one else from SHHS, I'm going to miss her so much.

I'm starting to feel kind of queasy. I need to stop slacking, so I'm going to end this now. Good night.

WTFH

Ok. Ok. Ok. My heart is racing right now. It could be the music. It could be the gallons of caffeine that I've consumed today. (Yes I'm exagerrating but since I don't have any that often, it feels like I've had that much.) Or it could be the fact that for the first time in my life, I've discovered that someone I care about has suicidal tendencies. This is something I joke about everyday. When I'm under stress, alot of the time, I'll say something stupid like, "Ok, I'm going to jump off of the roof now!" It's only a joke. It's never even crossed my mind to ever do something to hurt myself. Whether it's by God's hand or some other higher power or not, I have been placed here for some reason (I hope?), though I have yet to understand what that is. (Ugh, don't get me started on religion. Not that I'm an athiest.) For me to just give up or ever think to would be disgraceful. But wait, now that I think about it, someone I know has been through this before. I witnessed it almost first hand. I kind of displaced it from my mind. That's just one of this world's realities that I just don't understand. Sure, you can have a miserable life, but... this thing... it's like it's some sort of fad. Face the facts, your life can't be that bad. I mean c'mon! You have clothes on your back, a roof over your head, sufficient food and water (that you really don't take advantage of), a healthy body (that you're destroying), and if not anyone who loves you, someone who cares about you (Hello?). So you don't like your mother. You don't like your siblings, your father, your cousin, or your "friends", and sadly, though I can't possibly understand why, you don't like yourself. Ok, fine. Apparently I can't do anything to convince you otherwise. You like me. There is something in your life to look forward to, unless you've been lying. How can you say you love me if you would dare think of denying me of you? Maybe you don't know what it really is about. Maybe becase you've been denied of it for so long. Maybe I'm going to worsen things. But I'm sorry. I just want you to know that I care. I guess I knew all along. I wondered, but I suppose I repressed the thought. I don't know what to do with this type of thing. Why would you do that? Why? ... Good night. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.

Five

WOW. Can you believe it? There are about five days until Christmas. That, is both good and bad. Good because I seriously need a break from school. Actually, school hasn't been all that bad, or difficult, but I just want to get away. It's a bad thing, however, because I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY GIFTS YET. Frankly, there isn't much time to, either. I have the general gist of what I want to get MOST of the (approximately 10) people on my nice (and in range - both in terms of $ and distance) list. The trouble is time. I am going insane here.

Good news is that college applications are almost done. I just have to tweak a supplement to get it to fit for another, check if I should make the effort to apply to a certain place whose standardized testing requirements are currently out of my range, get my application fee waivers settled, and make sure that my ACT scores get sent out. I THINK that's at least at this moment in time.

Over break I have to handle financial information. Fun stuff.

Uhm... I lost the direction of this entry. I need to go finish that supplement. And stuff. So... off I go.

Day # 68

Bleh... Nothing much happened today. REALLY got to get these essays done. Still haven't gone XMAS shopping. UGH. I hate how everything is so commercial. Uh... I think I ought to go to bed now. I'm kind of tired. Well, not quite. I just don't have a reason to be up. I miss late night convos. ;_; Well then, good night.

Day # 67

It's nice to be able to leave school early, to have lunch with your best friend, even if you're leaving school for something you don't quite feel you have the guts to do and if her table is full of... weirdos to say the least. But I didn't feel uncomfortable around them, so I guess that makes me a weirdo too. Yay.

So the interview went swell. I saw Peaches, one of the admissions officers there. She is so nice. She was, like, extemely excited about the fact that I was there having this interview. She said, "OMG you have to come here!" about fifty times. She told me about how she was arguing (not literally) with the Haverford admissions dude (he disturbs me) about whether I'd come to Haverford or Bryn. Do you know how good it feels to be wanted?

Let me tell you about something that doesn't feel good - wearing "a power suit," as Peaches called it. It wasn't really the fact that I was wearing a suit that bothered me - it was the fact that number one, my pants weren't as long as I'd like them to be, number two, there was a run in the toe of stocking that you could see, and number three, shoulder pads. I absolutely DESPISE shoulder pads. They make the shoulders so... masculine. Didn't that gig go out of style forever ago? I was eating a peppermint that'd been on the table with all the information pamphlets when the interview began and I hope that didn't screw anything up. But I was comfortable, for the most part, with minor stutters and... whatnot. I think I did well.

So yea, I have to get back up on this application gig. It needs to be done, now. I'd be SO happy if I could just do the BMC app. I really would. It'd be ALL over. It could have been over a long time ago, but I allowed indecision to get the best of me. Geez.

Ok, I'm going to go to bed now. I was just thinking - I haven't been on AIM for forever. Good that I'm close to straightening out my priorities - bad that I have commited myself to some things and haven't taken them up yet. Well, good night. Goal for tomorrow - FINISH ALL OF THE BMC APP.

Day # 66

I abhor this feeling. Pressure builds in the pit of my stomach and it's like an ulcer is forming for every decibel that I have to raise my voice. Anger can be just as painful as sadness. And when the two are frolicking hand in hand within your mind, it's not exactly a good thing. These negative emotions - they are viral. They claim everything about you so easily - your memory, your youth, your health - and the positive ones so readily fade. These negative emotions - they corrupt even the positive ones, turning an object of happiness into another obstacle. What is it about the bad things that they have so much power over us?

NO. I'm not depressed. Just pissed. I finally get to talk to him and... I'm done talking about it. The longer I dwell on the fact, the more my chest hurts. She pisses me off so much sometimes. Yet something in her nature, or rather mine, allows me to forgive her. Have you ever wanted to hold a grudge so badly, but you can't?

So tomorrow I have an interview at Bryn Mawr. WHOOPEE. I am nervous beyond description. I guess there's nothing to it but to do it and to just be myself. The confident version, I mean, the one who can push her worries aside and just go for the goal. I've forgotten what she looks like, however...

Music for a while now has become a healing element. I guess it's like that for everyone who's passionate about it in one way or another. Imagine... if I'd still been listening to lots of Hip Hop. Sometimes I feel that this Rock thing has played a major role in my development. How it's changed me I have yet to understand.

Well... I'm off for the night. I was feeling kind of sleepy in school today. I actually did sleep for a number of seconds during third block. Then I got wrapped up in this whole conversation. Ok. Maybe I'm not done. But anyway, there's this weird kid in that class, the Student Council President (amazing how diverse that gig has been since I've been here). I think he likes me or something. If I recall correctly, he did at one point, but I'd thought they'd been talking about some kid named Lucky and not Less... however the hell you spell his name. I dunno. That whole deal bothers me, when people randomly start to give me attention - even by way of a simple hello. It freaks me out. I'm not used to it. You'd think I'd be by now... Ah, that reminds me of something, more Greatest Hits albums! 311. Creed. Yes, I enjoy a Christian band. Uhm... Evanescence is VERY Christian if you ask me. I mean C'MON. The record label, Wind Up, is full of Christian bands, 12 Stones for example. Chevelle... I can definitely see that. Hmm... nifty site of the day: Song Meanings. Enjoy and good night.

I'm Back! ...Almost

Please note that updates to the site shall no longer appear here. They will be found in the box above.

So stressing over the layout aside, everything's pretty good. Er... Last night (more like Friday night now since its past midnight,) we all went on a house trip to Dave and Buster's. It's this random bar / grill / arcade place down in Philly near Penn's Landing. I loved it. 'Cept for all the drunkards, smokers, DDR wannabe hoggers, and little kids. I mostly played the claw game. I'm pretty good at that game if I do say so myself, especially after a few practice rounds. I won a cute little frog prince stuffed animal which holds a heart that says "Kiss Me," and two watches, one pink, one silver. I played a bunch of games of House of the Dead 2 with Kelly and then she basically forced me to play some random DDR wannabe with her. I scored a B the first time, but we sucked too much during the second round to continue to the next level. Apparently I'm good at that game. Riiight... Kelly basically had to beg me to play - I was feeling nervous about the crowd that was starting to gather around the game. Yet, after maybe a few screw-ups, I decided to force their existance out of my head and just play. That was fun. When we got back into the house, I went to bed.

ACTs in the morning! No more standardized testing. Yay. How do I think I did? Uhm... My math speeds suck. I feel like I might've improved on the verbal, though. And the science section? I HATE it. That's the only thing I don't like about the ACT. Everything seemed to be pretty easy, even in the beginning of the math section, but as soon as I got to the science section, I was just like WTF. The testing environment was much quieter this time and I had a HUGE desk, so I'm pretty confident I've gotten a higher score this time. Except... I didn't study. Too much college stuff.

So yea, after the ACTs, my AA dropped me off. I slept for a long time instead of doing my chore, and after that, she came to pick me up so I could work on random Common Application things. Not fun. Have to do that some more tomorrow. Unfortunately, we're taking pictures tomorrow and decorating the tree. Although there is egg nog involved, I really don't feel much like doing it. Or anything actually. I'll be SO happy when break starts, provided everything is done. Everything HAS to be done. I absolutely cannot be working during break. Unless one of my teachers plans to suck and gives us work. There's always one at least.

I think I was Scrooge at one point. The holiday season tends to bug me. It's not that I don't like to give, it's just that it's so hard to decide WHAT to give. EGH.

Latest in music, I got Audioslave - Audioslave, Chevelle - Wonder What's Next, Green Day - International Superhits, and Red Hot Chili Peppers - Greatest Hits. It's weird to get two hits albums. I haven't listened to Green Day's much. After a couple of songs, his voice tends to irk me. Then he never alters his singing. It's all like the same tone. The latest Green Day CD defintely shows improvements in that department, at least from what I've heard of it. They still kinda suck, though. I need VARIETY from my music, especially if I can't make a mix. The shuffe button is never enough. So anyways, I found out that I love RHCP, and I might just backtrack on their career, at least to get What Hits?! and By the Way. I MUST have the Zephyr Song and Can't Stop. As for Audioslave, I was already familiar with all the tracks. Janine, an old tutor here (who I miss so much) once gave me a copy that a friend of hers had given her. Whoo... that's a mouthful. Anyway, it wasn't exactly in the greatest condition and it didn't take much time for it to conk out, especially on my favorite track, # 13, Getaway Car. So I had to have another copy for myself. Erm... Chevelle's CD actually surprised me. When I first bought it, I was under the impression that I'd only like the three main hit tracks, Send the Pain Below, Closure, and The Red, mostly because the screaming deal tends to bug me after a while. After experimenting with it on the bus in the mornings, I found that I love pretty much every track. If I had to pick a favorite off the top of my head, I guess I'd pick #2, Comfortable Liar. Supposedly Forfeit was a big hit, but I'd never heard of it. I think I'll get their latest album. I already like Vitamin R.

Oh and on Friday, before we went to Dave and Buster's I got really pissed because - guess what - I broke my headphones, the ones that came with my beloved CD player. All it took was a little bit too much yanking. The cord was too short to plug the headphones into the back of the computer and listen to music, so when I came up too fast, it yanked and I put a short in it. Dammit. So Shemika and I ran over to Springfield to get some at Sam Goody's. They had a 3 type deal by Colby. A waste, sort of, but eh. Nifty. How nice of me to break the headphones right before XMAS when I'll probably wind up with new ones anyway. It never fails. New possessions tend to complicate things I've noticed...

Yea, So I think I've about had it with this writing for the night. My left hand is starting to cramp up. I really ought to learn to type the right way, even though I type quickly enough this way. Oh well. Good night.

Hollow and Alone

...

<< Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park >>

When this began - I had nothing to say and I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused - And I let it all out to find that I'm not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me - But all the vacancy the words revealed is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose - Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own...
I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything 'til I break away from me
I will break away - I'll find myself today...

Some lyrics. Yea. This - I think it'll be my last entry for a while. Good night and another patch of lyrics.

Where I go I just don't know
I've got to got to gotta take it slow
When I find my peace of mind
I'm gonna give you some of my good time

Mama Said Don't Talk to Strangers

...

Seriously though, who's actually reading this thing? Be honest, please. Just leave a little comment. SAY HELLO! Thanks. Now, I'm off to attempt to work on my essay(s). Or at least to get a head start on my homework. I have to find the willpower to keep myself off this box. I waste so much time on it these days. Pfft. 'Kay, bye!