Day # 87

Uhm... I think it's the 87th day. Haven't been keeping track exactly. I think that even when I write these things, I have ADD. I always find myself remembering stuff I was supposed to write long after the fact. So right now I'm in class, clearly not doing what I should. This is Graphic Design 3 / Independent Study. You know, there probably shouldn't be spaces between the slashes. But anyways, the teacher is absent today. We were supposed to be watching the video, but we were assigned the worst substitute of all time. Today he gives me this whole spiel about him being thirty five years older than me and knowing alot. CLEARLY you don't know much if you don't know how to start a DVD and/or plug in a TV. It's hilarious. It's like he just landed on this planet or something. I obviously know that we're supposed to be watching this video, but I couldn't fail my classmates now, could I? As the eldest member of the class (in terms of both grade and experience with this course), I naturally felt called to order. So I went next door and got the keys to get the mouses out of the closet for the Macs instead of having him start the video. We'd be pretty darn bored anyways. Yea, so here I am...

Lunch is absolutely perfect, for once in my life. I have lunch with all my friends and even that bit has grown a tad. There's Andii, Kay, Steph, and a new addition to the bunch, Rebecca. She's an artist, so naturally I took a liking to her. I really like her style, too. It's pretty neat. The Friday before finals, she came over Andrea's for the weekly ritual of "Halo Night" and joined in on the fun. It was then that I witnessed her talent. We talked about collaborating and whatnot. It was cool. That's one of the reasons why i need to hurry up and get this thing prepared so that I can show off my skills. But dammit, I can't quite think of a domain name. If this kind of stuff is keeping me up at night, it's obviously important to me.

The placement of lunch this semester is really nice because it pretty much splits my day in half in terms of difficulty. Spanish is moderate, AP History is high, then lunch is break time after the teacher's lecturing. GOD I got my first taste of that today and I was nodding off, especially since I was dismissed to the back. I should've been Rosa Parks today, but the kid that took my seat is cool and the kid I sit next to now is pretty decent, so I just stayed put. The reason I'd sat in the front in the first place was to keep myself awake. Although it may not have been a successful tactic, it was at least an attempt. The teacher requested that we stay put in our current seats so that he could remember names, although honestly, given the fact that I'm the only black kid in the class, how difficult will it be to remember mine?

After lunch when we have AP Human Geography, I have to go outside of the building in order to get to my next class - in the trailers. They're not so bad, actually. I like the way they smell - kind of like wood, they have a water cooler (SPRING water, not fountain water, guaranteed called and hopefully clean), and the rooms are warm. ALL of them. It's great because I generally carry my coat around the school all day. The only real problem I have with the trailers is that they're like paper thin so we can hear everything if the class three doors down is rowdy. We'll get used to it, I'm sure. The desks and chairs are kinda like cardboard too (only not), but somehow they seem more reliable than the ones in the school with the screws coming out and whatnot. No rocky desks! Hurrah!

So I get to teach a class at the Community Art Center, if all goes well. As I've said several times by now, I'm not the biggest fan of children, exactly. Though they're middle schoolers, they pretty much tend to retain that childlike mentality until high school (and unfortunately, beyond sometimes). Still, the other day I was touched when this kid, a sixth grader, said goodbye to me. He was so adorable! But there might be a reason for that even. Basically, last year I had this one kid I defined as my "stalkee," basically someone I just really adored. I probably went a little too far with the last kid, though. XD That probably sounds so sick. This one kid was like half Japanese or something and reminded me of the Beetles. I used to bug him alot, especially since we go to the same school. We still do, but I stopped saying hello because he seems a little wary of me. He'll poke me every now and then and shyly say hello, which is nice. But as for the new kid, younger this time around, he SO looks like a cartoon character. He's so adorable. Quote of the day, "I don't understand those words [PMS]." That was HEELAIREEUS. I'd discuss how that conversation occurred, but I have to start getting everyone to pack up. Don't want to miss my bus because of a few people that can't shut down and store their mouses! I'll be back to write later, about my teaching experience. Ta-ta!

Day # 86

Nah, I'm not sleep yet. What else should you expect if I spent my entire weekend going to bed at four? And the fact that we had a two hour delay today didn't help exactly. It's just going to make my sleeping schedule even more shifty. I just like being up at night more. I don't hate the daylight or anything, but there's something a little more charming about the darkness and whatnot. It could be the fact that I'm alone or that there's no noise (except for that loud ass washing machine that's through the wall and behind me). Man, if we had a two hour delay everyday of the week, I'd be set. Something about the winter makes it a little harder to get up in the morning too. You wanna know another thing that's been keeping me up a lot lately? Those freaking squirrels! They've found some way to nest inside the walls of the house or something, and they drive me crazy in the whee hours of the night, scratching and running back and forth. I hate rodents, I swear. Funny though how fear fuels hatred.

So today we started our second semester classes. It's like the first day of school again. This is the very reason why I love the block scheduling system. For me to have the same eight classes all year would bore me to tears. Everytime we start a new set of classes, I'm so excited, ready to put my all into my work. But one, maybe two weeks later, back to slackage. I'm thinking it'll be alot worse now considering the fact that I'm a second semester senior. But luckily I only have one major class. College Social Science Seminar (whoo that's a mouthful), otherwise known as AP History, will probably be the death of me. But somehow, the challenge is a little exciting. Teacher says he wants to make our experience as college like as possible. That makes perfect sense considering the fact that those days are right around the corner. I really don't like the sound of that, actually. I have so much fear running though me. What if I'm going about this the wrong way? I could transfer, yea, that's what everyone says, but that can often prolong the college experience. I'm afraid I won't be able to pursue my passions as I wish. I don't know. I'll just have to take it as it comes.

So anyways, my entire new schedule, in order, is as follows:

• Spanish Seminar Honors
• College Social Science Seminar
• AP Human Geography
• Graphic Design 3 / Independent Study

Looks like fun, eh? Really, in spite of the Honors and AP labels you see, those two courses are supposed to be a piece of cake. (Wait a sec...I don't like cake... Or pie for that matter...) Spanish is Spanish after all, and I already know AP Human Geography is going to be simple. See, all of this can be simple if I just do my work. That's all it takes. I can tell myself that now, but it'll go in one ear and out the other.

Another thing that's been keeping me up is my freaking obsession with buying a domain. I'm going crazy trying to think of a name. I've looked for inspiration in everything from music lyrics to the dictionary. There's one I've thought of that I like very much, but the trouble is, the common people do not know how to spell. I don't know. We'll see.

Although the first week of fresh classes is exciting, I'm not exactly looking forward to school tomorrow. Sleeping in for two extra hours has got me spoiled. Someone should SO break the water main.

Winter - It's Official Now

There is at least a foot of snow on the ground outside. It's absolutely beautiful, especially considering the fact that it doesn't get dirty nearly as quickly as it does in the city. Once it starts to turn that black icky color, it's just a disgusting reminder of all the pollution we put into the air. Ew.

Normally during this time of year, I'd usually be somewhat under the influence of the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), but I'm actually pretty good. I have nothing to be sad about, for the moment. Except that...

Yistiddy I had over $100 dollars stolen from me, in my own house. What kind of crap is that? The girls had members of an ABC house in Lower Merion visit, along with a number of other friends and whatnot. Now first I must blame myself for my irresponsibility - one of the freshman who has the dining room chore was telling me all week to remove my coat from the area. Did I? No. So that's one side of the picture. But c'mon man! This is MY house, I should be able to leave my stuff wherever the heck I want to without worrying over somebody else's klepto guest. The worst part is, a fraction of that was Xmas money for my best friend(s) delayed gift(s). Now I'm empty handed. I feel horrible. But, I think I'm fairly over it. Had I spent the money like I was supposed to, it'd be gone by now anyway. But still... what am I to do?

I should get a job. Speaking of which, I was offered the opportunity to teach a class full of middle schoolers the basics of cartooning. At first I was like...kids. I don't like kids. But then I was like, oh shiznit you're paying me?! And then I said, wait, I'm not that good! But then I started to recall how WAY WAY WAY back in the day, I used to want to be a teacher. Pfft. As if. But who knows? I could just do this. I could probably put it on my resume... How in the hell do you create accented characters? I hope it's not one of those ampersand (&) deals (which of course it is). But anyways, in terms of a job, at this moment in time, I really don't want it to take up too much of my time. It's good practice, I'm sure, but EW. I won't babysit. Kids just make me uneasy. Yes, THAT'S precisely the reason why I don't like them. Trifling, I know. Old people scare me too. And babies. You just never know if they're gonna... die or something. XD Wow. Morbid, I know. Pfft.

Soon as we got off the phone, I went to sleep. No dreams.. :( It wasn't really a deep sleep since there was an awful lot of noise, so I couldn't really expect any. But now I'm wiiide awake. I woke up at... Dunno. Hmm... I need to occupy myself. I'll start drawing now! Ta-ta!

Day # 85

OMG YAY. The new Chevelle CD finally arrived in the mail from the BMG Music Service. Bob and Jude had sent me a certificate for Christmas and I'd ordered Chevelle's and Fefe's CD. For whatever reason, Chevelle's CD was on backorder, so I'm just receiving it now. I don't really have the time to check it out right now considering the fact that I still have a 6+ page memoir to write and I can't always concentrate with music on, but I'm sure it's good considering I already love two of the tracks, Vitamin R (Leading Us Along) and Panic Prone, to be specific. So yea, I'll get to that, maybe even write a review or add a few files to the Radio Blog! I doubt that, though.

This weekend was great. A little too nippy, in a number of ways, but nice. It's nice to have a break every once in a while, from school, from life, from the many types of shackles that bind you to existence, conscience among them.

That's all I'll say about it at the moment. Maybe I'll come back to this again when I'm done, if I ever get done. I've got so much to do. Thank goodness tomorrow's a half day. Wish me luck on my finals! I have my Statistics final tomorrow and my Physics one on Thursday. Ugh, I hate math. Toodles!

Day # 82

Yea, 'scuse my French, but, Asia, you're such an asshole sometimes, ya know? (Ain't that the truth.) Why must you deny the blatantly OBVIOUS? C'mon, WTF is wrong with you?! I don't know, they don't know, nobody knows. Fix this. In two days, well, one since it's 12:35 at the moment, it's your time. It's his time. Prove yourself. (What are we proving exactly?) And for goodness sake, quit being such a freakin' kid. Nobody likes kids, especially not you. Just grow up!

Like the song clip on your page btw. It's, like, almost word for word about us. But anyways, I've added a song. I don't know if you'll be able to hear it, but yeh. Really only the first stanza, the chorus, and (part of) the break or bridge or whatever the heck its called applies. Good stuff.

Thank you and I'm sorry.

Day # 80

Wow... 100 days of school left! Whoo hoo! That actually kind of sucks, especially since I haven't taken full advantage of this situation at all. There is so much I should've done here that I haven't. But eh. No use dwelling in the past, though.

But for the moment, I must rant about events past and about a bit of the future. Ahem. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! This is so wrong! Here I am, I haven't spent a dime on you and 700 bucks plus?! No one is allowed to make that many sacrifices for me, not even if it is in the name of this deal called "love," whatever that is. I demand that you cease and desist. I will not have it, at least not by my fault. It's wrong, so very wrong! I don't deserve someone like you. I am a horrible, horrible girl. WTF is it that you want from me?! How can you dare say that I am appealing to you?! I just don't get that, among other things. I don't like to be spoiled. It makes me feel like I'm using people, and that's not the type of girl I want to be. I feel that I am indebted to you. Debt. That is a very filthy word, for payback isn't always exactly clean. Ew. Why, Noah? Why? We have to cut it down, boy. We have to cut it down. IT just isn't fair otherwise.

I'm seriously falling asleep, man. I was up until 1 last night. I can't help staying up. It's not so much that I can't sleep, but I just enjoy being up. The night is empowering somehow. I often feel like my muse, among other things, is at its peak in the wee hours of the night. Or it could be the friggin' Internet that keeps me up. If I am addicted to anything as of this moment, it is this thing. Oh, and then there are people. Whee! A Simple Plan song is in my head! Don't you justlove 'em? *cough*

My vision is blurring. That's how tired I feel. Or it could just be the fact that my glasses probably have all kinds of crap all over them. *checks* Negative. I'm tired. But I must do Statistics homework... Off.

The Crowned Procrastinator

I started cleaning my room the other day. My clothing is taken care of, for the most part. Still, I have random stuff that needs to go into and/or out of my desk. There's alot of crap in there that I've forgotten I even had. Moving out of this place is going to be hell.

I shouldn't be bored because there is plenty left to tidy up in my room. I shouldn't be bored because I have an essay due Wednesday for a (THICK) book I haven't even really looked at. ;_; (When did I become such a procrastinator?! SparkNotes to the rescue! X_X) I shouldn't be bored because I am well aware of what to do for my English final and he said he'd prefer to have that earlier than the day of the final. I shouldn't be bored because I'm pretty sure I have some homework to take care of. I shouldn't be bored because I have some loose ends on the financial part of the college application to mend.

WHY AM I STILL SITTING HERE?! God... senior year sucks. I'm going to go not be at the computer for a bit. Or at least TRY to be. Egh. Sloth is the deadliest sin, I swear. Toodles.

Day # 78

Still listening to Fefe. I really like her voice. Her music videos amuse me, though. She makes all these funny faces and in pretty much all of them, does these funky sort of dances. It's cool, though, because it adds a flair of originality to her for that. I don't think she's really made it to the mainstream, though. I have all my speculations, but, whatever. It sucks though because I think she's pretty good. That, however, is all a matter of opinion. You know what I was actually daydreaming about? Me, at the talent show, performing one of her songs, with a live band and everything. As if. I can't sing anyways, though a good chunk of the people that are admitted into the talent show every year can't either. Who'd play the song for me, anyway? I can't play guitar, or any musical instrument for that matter. I have stage fright, too, and that auditorium is PACKED come... April? In fact, it's always been to the point where it's over legal occupancy. Yea... I could never do that.

Let's see... school was boring today. I almost missed my bus this morning since I woke up at 6:40, when my bus arrives at my official bus stop. I had to get dressed in less than five minutes and head up a slight hill, in the mist, about three blocks. Fun stuff. After school I went to Andrea's. I don't understand how they play Halo for so long. It's cool, especially playing and speaking with absolute strangers online. I suck at that game. That could be why I get bored of it so easily. Not only that, but it's the same fragging routine repeatedly. The whole mic business gets old eventually, too. Everything gets old! Except this thing. This wondrous, amazing thing we call the Internet. I'm sure there are other things, but I'm young, and I haven't experienced much...

I may be realizing my desire to purchase a domain very soon. I'm finding all these amazing (and proven reliable) deals all over the place. There are just a few things I have to manage before I make my final decision. Yep...

I'm going to bed now. Without my call back. ;_; Hope you feel better, hun.

Day # 77

<< Fefe Dobson - Kiss Me Fool >>

Another exciting day in the life. Apparently people enjoy talking about me, and I have been titled the female Napoleon Dynamite. I think that's hilarious. So I'm a nerd. Damn proud, thank you.

I can't wait until we switch classes. I am so sick of this math, man. In Physics, we're doing something with electromagnetic fields and whatnot. For the moment I understand what I'm doing. I even was asked for help by some of my classmates. It feels nice to be able to help someone else every once in a while. I ought to put user content up on this thing. But then this place would become so cliche. Yet, then again, having this gig is actually pretty cliche in the first place. It surprises me that there seems to be a higher population of female web designers. I can count the number of guys I've actually encountered that were into design and are good at it on one hand. Chicks own this thing, end of story.

Omigosh I drew something today. Amazing. I feel like drawing now, actually, but I've got work to do. It's definitely going to be collected tomorrow, so yea. I went over to Andrea's today, played some Halo on XBOX Live, and then we went to Nifty Fifty's. Yay. By the time we'd finished eating, I had a weird kind of stomach ache and felt the urge to barf. I fought it, even though car sickness didn't help much, but to make sure I didn't chuck, I went to sleep. It's just about my best defense against nausea, sickness, depression, boredom, every health problem practically. That was definitely needed. I didn't wake up until, like, ten either. So now I'm going to do my homework. I was supposed to be reading some pages in Song of Solomon, but I doubt I'll have the drive to stay up for that. Off I go! Fish out layout ideas, folks. Thank you!

<< Fefe Dobson - We Went for a Ride >>

Day # 75

Yea. So school started up again today. That is sickening. Last year, when I didn't need it or want it, the Winter Break was much longer, a few days over a fortnight. This year, it would have been put to much more use. But oh well. The time will come again.

In retrospect, I find that the whole being away from home deal has taken the heaviest toll on my emotional health during my first and last year. Freshman year, it was because I was a newbie and I had no power in the house. Now, after it's nearly all said and done, I realize just how much more I'm missing. There has been a bigger void to fill this year. Knowing I have another four or more years away ahead of me reminds me of all the things I should have long ago appreciated and taken advantage of. I not only miss my familiy that much more, but now there's you. Yea, I missed you the second you turned your back. I don't know what that is. Ooh... let me rant about you before I forget.

I'm going to blame you for my having missed my train. Yes, you, since you blame me for everything. XP Even those five minutes we spent arguing about the envelope of pictures would have made all the difference. I can't see how you don't see yourself as attractive. I can't quite see how you see me as attractive, either. (I'm ok.) We are pretty darn confused, aren't we, especially considering we have one person who has thought we were siblings. I'm sure you're going to be getting me into quite a bit of trouble. Don't let any it go to your head. I'm done ranting about you now.

I had the worst luck coming back this time. First of all, the freaking escalator was down, and like a dumbass, it took me forever to think of a clever way to safely get my EXCESS of luggage down the stairs. Then after a bit of pacing and muttering under my breath, someone finally offered to help me. So that helped me miss the train, too. The train was to arrive at 4:05 and I didn't get down into the station until 4:18. The next train was at 6:55. 6 freaking 55. I had a milkshake, listened to some Chevelle, and called some random numbers that I didn't recognize in my cell phone to calm myself down. (Is 347 a NY area code?) Geez, that was fun. Then when the train FINALLY arrived, my change tin decided to roll out of my bag and scatter. Two blessed people helped me. Where would I be without all the nice people in the world? I'm such a friggin' clutz.

Merrily rolling along, New Year's Eve, Ieshia, Noah, and I attempted to go to an arcade in Port Authority. At that moment, we had no clue that the place was open because for whatever reason in the world, there were black curtains hanging in the windows. Come to find out, the next day, when the black curtains were still up, the place was actually open. @_@ But I'll get to that day. Anyway, so since we assumed that the place was closed (learn from our mistake, ya'll - assume nothing), we actually attempted to get to another arcade beyond 42nd street. This is New Year's Eve, mind you. BIG mistake. We were directed from block to block until it got to the point where we were about thirteen blocks away. That was impossible. Soo many people. Ieshia was psyched because she really wanted to see the ball drop - or rather just the bands. Needless to say, that didn't happen. So then the next day, Noah and I went to play DDR. (That's a video game called Dance Dance Revolution - in case you've been living under a rock.) We've already heard about how crazy he is at that. But he finally got me to play, after I got to practice at home. I have a short attention span at times and I'm too clutzy to move too fast. At least for the moment. So I played on Light mode. I haven't even mastered that yeat, but I despise Beginner mode. They have this random tutorial thing in the background that shows you when to step, and it is so distracting. Yea, so that was fun. And some chick was pushing me to play harder songs. She, apparently, thought I was related to Noah. That was amusing. And as for Air Hockey - I am defeated. I've lost my skill. I dunno what happened. Could have been the lighting, the noise, the wider goals, whatever. I just completely crashed and burned. And I don't really like when people let me win. I like to try first, at least. *sigh*

Fun stuff. That's all there is to say about the remainder of the night. And siblings - what is it with them always trying to get you in trouble? Yes, Ieshia, I'm talking about you. I won't tell you that story. It's not worth it.

So any way...yea. Finals coming up soon. That's just peachy. I've forgotten, like, everything. But one thing I learned over break - inputing a plausible amount of information into your brain and going to sleep immediately afterword does help it stick in your memory a little longer. Just not to the point of cramming. I have to use that to my advantage. There are from this point approximately eleven class days until finals. I'm kind of looking forward to that because when all of that is over, I will not have any math related courses for the remainder of the year. Fantastico. I'll have Spanish (H?), History (AP), Human Geography (AP), and Graphic Design (hopefully on Independent Study last block) next semester, so my course load will feel pretty light considering History is the most difficult course there (on account of the teacher). Uhm... You care. Well, I'm done. Good night.

Happy Holidays!

Ok, so I'm home now. Here are some things I need to do:

• Read Song of Solomon for English
• File Financial Information

Fun stuff indeed. I can't remember them exactly, but I keep having these bad dreams of being denied by BMC. Is that a sign that it means that much to me to get in? I really don't know what would happen if I didn't. I probably would cry about it. Imagine me taking a year off. Not gonna happen. Even within a time span so short as the Winter Break, my brain starts to decay. I worry alot when I'm idle for periods of time, yet I do nothing to get over it, like for example, the things I've got to do (i.e. the above). I am the ultimate procrastinator. It's really rare that I get the drive to do what I need to internally. It takes an awful lot of nagging. That's bad. Come college, I won't have much of anyone breathing by my back. Hopefully I'll be so engaged, it won't really matter. I find I don't like seeing what's coming for me. I like to stare out of the back windows.

So anyway, Christmas is long past. These sort of things, holidays to be precise, slowly start to lose their meaning. I've started to realize how everything has become so commercial. Once you learn the true value of material things, most holidays are just another day on the calendar that someone else you don't know, and more often than not, care about, mandated as important. I think I'm done ranting for now.

Yesterday was a very strange Christmas. It was kinda short, but still had that magical kind of feel. Of course, it had nothing to do with the gifts. Just being around the ones you love, and/or are starting to love, is loads of fun. Xmas Eve, we (my sister, my mother, Noah, and I) went last minute shopping. Except for dodging a mass of some of America's rudest people in the bitter cold (which I didn't feel much thanks to my massive coat), it was fun. After it was all done, we stopped in Mickey D's to munch. This crazy old lady comes to our table and gives us this whole spiel about marriage and whatnot. For whatever reason in the world, she thought that my sister was my daughter, and that Noah was my husband. The fact that my mother was seated at the table did not seem to occur to her. That was the oddest thing in the world. I felt much better once she walked away. Odd, but interesting. That day altogether was a great experience, though, because my mother gained a greater respect for the boy. If she's comfortable about him, I'm more comfortable about him. But about Dad... that, I fear, will never change. Patriarchal instinct is far more stubborn than the matriarchal it seems.

Christmas day, about fiveish, Noah and I took a hike. We went to 42nd street to an arcade place. He felt the need to, once again, show off his amazing DDR skills, as if I hadn't gotten wind of them the first time. I truly despise playing that game in public. It makes me nervous, like many things. And OMG. He beat me at air hockey! That is a sin. So after that, after running from the WAY overcrowded AMC and Lowes theaters on 42nd, we went to a Lowes theater on 86th street (?) to see Blade: Trinity. It wasn't as bad as I'd thought it was going to be. Ryan Reynolds was in the movie, the comic relief character. Now that I think about it, he was in Van Wilder! Amazing, the difference a beard and a little makeup can make. I dunno whether I like that one better. I do believe it was a tad funnier, though. Surprisingly enough, Jessica Biel's role was kind of weak. I don't feel like she played a memorable role in the movie. YAR. After that, we went to a Chinese Restaurant. Now most chicks are like, I wanna go somewhere classy. That doesn't really happen that often with me. What's the point? It should be you that's making me happy, not the food. This all sort of goes back to the material possessions deal.

Note: This entry was interrupted, but I did not wish to discard it nor edit it. Therefore, it is presented to you today (01-03-05), as it was before this day. Whether everything within it remains true is another story. Enjoy.

Day # 71

Kinda drained. I could not get to sleep until three last night, and I haven't got the slightest clue why. [/end sarcasm] I have to pack, I have to shop, I have to finish this application. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Andrea took me out to lunch today. With her friend Ben, who I call Super Man. He just sorta reminds me of the dude from Smallville. Only MUCH taller. And skinnier. We went to Cheng Heng. Egg Foo Young is yummy. Greasy, but yummy. Especially fresh out of the kitchen. I'm going to miss her so much. If no one else from SHHS, I'm going to miss her so much.

I'm starting to feel kind of queasy. I need to stop slacking, so I'm going to end this now. Good night.

WTFH

Ok. Ok. Ok. My heart is racing right now. It could be the music. It could be the gallons of caffeine that I've consumed today. (Yes I'm exagerrating but since I don't have any that often, it feels like I've had that much.) Or it could be the fact that for the first time in my life, I've discovered that someone I care about has suicidal tendencies. This is something I joke about everyday. When I'm under stress, alot of the time, I'll say something stupid like, "Ok, I'm going to jump off of the roof now!" It's only a joke. It's never even crossed my mind to ever do something to hurt myself. Whether it's by God's hand or some other higher power or not, I have been placed here for some reason (I hope?), though I have yet to understand what that is. (Ugh, don't get me started on religion. Not that I'm an athiest.) For me to just give up or ever think to would be disgraceful. But wait, now that I think about it, someone I know has been through this before. I witnessed it almost first hand. I kind of displaced it from my mind. That's just one of this world's realities that I just don't understand. Sure, you can have a miserable life, but... this thing... it's like it's some sort of fad. Face the facts, your life can't be that bad. I mean c'mon! You have clothes on your back, a roof over your head, sufficient food and water (that you really don't take advantage of), a healthy body (that you're destroying), and if not anyone who loves you, someone who cares about you (Hello?). So you don't like your mother. You don't like your siblings, your father, your cousin, or your "friends", and sadly, though I can't possibly understand why, you don't like yourself. Ok, fine. Apparently I can't do anything to convince you otherwise. You like me. There is something in your life to look forward to, unless you've been lying. How can you say you love me if you would dare think of denying me of you? Maybe you don't know what it really is about. Maybe becase you've been denied of it for so long. Maybe I'm going to worsen things. But I'm sorry. I just want you to know that I care. I guess I knew all along. I wondered, but I suppose I repressed the thought. I don't know what to do with this type of thing. Why would you do that? Why? ... Good night. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.

Five

WOW. Can you believe it? There are about five days until Christmas. That, is both good and bad. Good because I seriously need a break from school. Actually, school hasn't been all that bad, or difficult, but I just want to get away. It's a bad thing, however, because I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY GIFTS YET. Frankly, there isn't much time to, either. I have the general gist of what I want to get MOST of the (approximately 10) people on my nice (and in range - both in terms of $ and distance) list. The trouble is time. I am going insane here.

Good news is that college applications are almost done. I just have to tweak a supplement to get it to fit for another, check if I should make the effort to apply to a certain place whose standardized testing requirements are currently out of my range, get my application fee waivers settled, and make sure that my ACT scores get sent out. I THINK that's at least at this moment in time.

Over break I have to handle financial information. Fun stuff.

Uhm... I lost the direction of this entry. I need to go finish that supplement. And stuff. So... off I go.

Day # 68

Bleh... Nothing much happened today. REALLY got to get these essays done. Still haven't gone XMAS shopping. UGH. I hate how everything is so commercial. Uh... I think I ought to go to bed now. I'm kind of tired. Well, not quite. I just don't have a reason to be up. I miss late night convos. ;_; Well then, good night.

Day # 67

It's nice to be able to leave school early, to have lunch with your best friend, even if you're leaving school for something you don't quite feel you have the guts to do and if her table is full of... weirdos to say the least. But I didn't feel uncomfortable around them, so I guess that makes me a weirdo too. Yay.

So the interview went swell. I saw Peaches, one of the admissions officers there. She is so nice. She was, like, extemely excited about the fact that I was there having this interview. She said, "OMG you have to come here!" about fifty times. She told me about how she was arguing (not literally) with the Haverford admissions dude (he disturbs me) about whether I'd come to Haverford or Bryn. Do you know how good it feels to be wanted?

Let me tell you about something that doesn't feel good - wearing "a power suit," as Peaches called it. It wasn't really the fact that I was wearing a suit that bothered me - it was the fact that number one, my pants weren't as long as I'd like them to be, number two, there was a run in the toe of stocking that you could see, and number three, shoulder pads. I absolutely DESPISE shoulder pads. They make the shoulders so... masculine. Didn't that gig go out of style forever ago? I was eating a peppermint that'd been on the table with all the information pamphlets when the interview began and I hope that didn't screw anything up. But I was comfortable, for the most part, with minor stutters and... whatnot. I think I did well.

So yea, I have to get back up on this application gig. It needs to be done, now. I'd be SO happy if I could just do the BMC app. I really would. It'd be ALL over. It could have been over a long time ago, but I allowed indecision to get the best of me. Geez.

Ok, I'm going to go to bed now. I was just thinking - I haven't been on AIM for forever. Good that I'm close to straightening out my priorities - bad that I have commited myself to some things and haven't taken them up yet. Well, good night. Goal for tomorrow - FINISH ALL OF THE BMC APP.

Day # 66

I abhor this feeling. Pressure builds in the pit of my stomach and it's like an ulcer is forming for every decibel that I have to raise my voice. Anger can be just as painful as sadness. And when the two are frolicking hand in hand within your mind, it's not exactly a good thing. These negative emotions - they are viral. They claim everything about you so easily - your memory, your youth, your health - and the positive ones so readily fade. These negative emotions - they corrupt even the positive ones, turning an object of happiness into another obstacle. What is it about the bad things that they have so much power over us?

NO. I'm not depressed. Just pissed. I finally get to talk to him and... I'm done talking about it. The longer I dwell on the fact, the more my chest hurts. She pisses me off so much sometimes. Yet something in her nature, or rather mine, allows me to forgive her. Have you ever wanted to hold a grudge so badly, but you can't?

So tomorrow I have an interview at Bryn Mawr. WHOOPEE. I am nervous beyond description. I guess there's nothing to it but to do it and to just be myself. The confident version, I mean, the one who can push her worries aside and just go for the goal. I've forgotten what she looks like, however...

Music for a while now has become a healing element. I guess it's like that for everyone who's passionate about it in one way or another. Imagine... if I'd still been listening to lots of Hip Hop. Sometimes I feel that this Rock thing has played a major role in my development. How it's changed me I have yet to understand.

Well... I'm off for the night. I was feeling kind of sleepy in school today. I actually did sleep for a number of seconds during third block. Then I got wrapped up in this whole conversation. Ok. Maybe I'm not done. But anyway, there's this weird kid in that class, the Student Council President (amazing how diverse that gig has been since I've been here). I think he likes me or something. If I recall correctly, he did at one point, but I'd thought they'd been talking about some kid named Lucky and not Less... however the hell you spell his name. I dunno. That whole deal bothers me, when people randomly start to give me attention - even by way of a simple hello. It freaks me out. I'm not used to it. You'd think I'd be by now... Ah, that reminds me of something, more Greatest Hits albums! 311. Creed. Yes, I enjoy a Christian band. Uhm... Evanescence is VERY Christian if you ask me. I mean C'MON. The record label, Wind Up, is full of Christian bands, 12 Stones for example. Chevelle... I can definitely see that. Hmm... nifty site of the day: Song Meanings. Enjoy and good night.

I'm Back! ...Almost

Please note that updates to the site shall no longer appear here. They will be found in the box above.

So stressing over the layout aside, everything's pretty good. Er... Last night (more like Friday night now since its past midnight,) we all went on a house trip to Dave and Buster's. It's this random bar / grill / arcade place down in Philly near Penn's Landing. I loved it. 'Cept for all the drunkards, smokers, DDR wannabe hoggers, and little kids. I mostly played the claw game. I'm pretty good at that game if I do say so myself, especially after a few practice rounds. I won a cute little frog prince stuffed animal which holds a heart that says "Kiss Me," and two watches, one pink, one silver. I played a bunch of games of House of the Dead 2 with Kelly and then she basically forced me to play some random DDR wannabe with her. I scored a B the first time, but we sucked too much during the second round to continue to the next level. Apparently I'm good at that game. Riiight... Kelly basically had to beg me to play - I was feeling nervous about the crowd that was starting to gather around the game. Yet, after maybe a few screw-ups, I decided to force their existance out of my head and just play. That was fun. When we got back into the house, I went to bed.

ACTs in the morning! No more standardized testing. Yay. How do I think I did? Uhm... My math speeds suck. I feel like I might've improved on the verbal, though. And the science section? I HATE it. That's the only thing I don't like about the ACT. Everything seemed to be pretty easy, even in the beginning of the math section, but as soon as I got to the science section, I was just like WTF. The testing environment was much quieter this time and I had a HUGE desk, so I'm pretty confident I've gotten a higher score this time. Except... I didn't study. Too much college stuff.

So yea, after the ACTs, my AA dropped me off. I slept for a long time instead of doing my chore, and after that, she came to pick me up so I could work on random Common Application things. Not fun. Have to do that some more tomorrow. Unfortunately, we're taking pictures tomorrow and decorating the tree. Although there is egg nog involved, I really don't feel much like doing it. Or anything actually. I'll be SO happy when break starts, provided everything is done. Everything HAS to be done. I absolutely cannot be working during break. Unless one of my teachers plans to suck and gives us work. There's always one at least.

I think I was Scrooge at one point. The holiday season tends to bug me. It's not that I don't like to give, it's just that it's so hard to decide WHAT to give. EGH.

Latest in music, I got Audioslave - Audioslave, Chevelle - Wonder What's Next, Green Day - International Superhits, and Red Hot Chili Peppers - Greatest Hits. It's weird to get two hits albums. I haven't listened to Green Day's much. After a couple of songs, his voice tends to irk me. Then he never alters his singing. It's all like the same tone. The latest Green Day CD defintely shows improvements in that department, at least from what I've heard of it. They still kinda suck, though. I need VARIETY from my music, especially if I can't make a mix. The shuffe button is never enough. So anyways, I found out that I love RHCP, and I might just backtrack on their career, at least to get What Hits?! and By the Way. I MUST have the Zephyr Song and Can't Stop. As for Audioslave, I was already familiar with all the tracks. Janine, an old tutor here (who I miss so much) once gave me a copy that a friend of hers had given her. Whoo... that's a mouthful. Anyway, it wasn't exactly in the greatest condition and it didn't take much time for it to conk out, especially on my favorite track, # 13, Getaway Car. So I had to have another copy for myself. Erm... Chevelle's CD actually surprised me. When I first bought it, I was under the impression that I'd only like the three main hit tracks, Send the Pain Below, Closure, and The Red, mostly because the screaming deal tends to bug me after a while. After experimenting with it on the bus in the mornings, I found that I love pretty much every track. If I had to pick a favorite off the top of my head, I guess I'd pick #2, Comfortable Liar. Supposedly Forfeit was a big hit, but I'd never heard of it. I think I'll get their latest album. I already like Vitamin R.

Oh and on Friday, before we went to Dave and Buster's I got really pissed because - guess what - I broke my headphones, the ones that came with my beloved CD player. All it took was a little bit too much yanking. The cord was too short to plug the headphones into the back of the computer and listen to music, so when I came up too fast, it yanked and I put a short in it. Dammit. So Shemika and I ran over to Springfield to get some at Sam Goody's. They had a 3 type deal by Colby. A waste, sort of, but eh. Nifty. How nice of me to break the headphones right before XMAS when I'll probably wind up with new ones anyway. It never fails. New possessions tend to complicate things I've noticed...

Yea, So I think I've about had it with this writing for the night. My left hand is starting to cramp up. I really ought to learn to type the right way, even though I type quickly enough this way. Oh well. Good night.

Hollow and Alone

...

<< Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park >>

When this began - I had nothing to say and I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused - And I let it all out to find that I'm not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me - But all the vacancy the words revealed is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose - Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own...
I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything 'til I break away from me
I will break away - I'll find myself today...

Some lyrics. Yea. This - I think it'll be my last entry for a while. Good night and another patch of lyrics.

Where I go I just don't know
I've got to got to gotta take it slow
When I find my peace of mind
I'm gonna give you some of my good time

Mama Said Don't Talk to Strangers

...

Seriously though, who's actually reading this thing? Be honest, please. Just leave a little comment. SAY HELLO! Thanks. Now, I'm off to attempt to work on my essay(s). Or at least to get a head start on my homework. I have to find the willpower to keep myself off this box. I waste so much time on it these days. Pfft. 'Kay, bye!