Day # 125

I have not touched this thing in a very long while. Such will probably remain as the truth since Blogger hasn't really been loading in Firefox, and I prefer it to Internet Explorer. I will probably wind up sinking into Wordpress or something once I get the new domain. It feels good to just start over fresh sometimes. It really does...

Spring Break was one lazy blur. I did absolutely nothing. I saw The Incredibles and Hackers. The Incredibles is definitely an incredible flick. I was almost urged to watch it again. And as for Hackers - "Well shit on me." That movie is SO funny. I also watched Bambi. It's one of the few classic classic (twice for emphasis) Disney films I actually like. My favorite part of the film is and always has been when the trio gets all twitterpated. Flower has always confused me, however. In the beginning of the film, it is just so easy to assume he's female. Yea... boring break. But I love my mommy. And solitude is a beautiful thing. And yet... lonesome. Do I have regrets to that which has passed since the last entry? I am young. I have little time for such things.

So cold... yes I know. Cold enough in fact to have my mother say something to me such as this: "You and your father, I swear, y'all don't know how to love or be loved." No, it was not in reference at all to the situation in the previous entry. My sister was molesting me, and I grumbled until I managed to drive her away. I don't like to be touched, especially not in a manner in which is meant to piss me off. But anyway, what struck me most with her saying that was that it is true. I am a freaking android. I am apathetic to the BONE. And whenever I do actually stop to feel something, later on, I always feel in a way, guilty - disgusted with myself. It's weird. I cannot handle intimacy.

Even people who barely know me have commented about my lack of emotion, or my so called fear of fun. It was during the National Youth Leadership Conference that a group of friends I made said, "Why don't you ever smile?" And when I finally did lighten up and do so, they felt the need to call me "Sunshine." I have never had a nickname before. I guess I have, but not a spellable one like everyone else. Short names just don't need nicknames.

I'll speak on the matter of the NYLC later. I keep saying that I will, but I just don't. With the midterm out of the way, I feel a lot more free. Now... 10+ pages on Germany... I'll deal with that in time. Now I want to get back to drawing. And a clean room...

Day # ? - Lagging...

Yes, I still have a bit of catching up to do in school, but my teachers are being rather generous in terms of giving me time. Right now, College Social Science Seminar (otherwise known as AP History) is giving me the biggest bit of hell in general. I have a midterm to study over the break and a term paper to keep in mind. It's all good, though. I'm getting a taste of the college experience on the academic scale instead of the social scale, as is what I've been getting for the last few years while living in this place. This place which I have no words for at the moment...

Lately, I have found solace only while in the presence of my best friend. It's funny, I thought I'd never have a person that significant in my life. And as I sit here thinking of the daily impact she has on me, I realize I only need one of her kind, at least for now. Best is a superlative after all, and thus there can really only truly be one who may have the title. I just don't have the room for much of anyone else at the moment. It's this I wish I'd realized before I threw myself into this trap they call a boyfriend. I know it sounds harsh, but the way I've been feeling on and off since August certainly cannot be summed up as happy. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep hoping that it's something else and that this feeling will go away. I'm just not meant to experience this type of relationship right now. It just can't work. And the fact is, I don't want it to. I find that though I occasionally long for what I see in the corners, or sometimes, unfortunately, in the open, of the corridors of my high school building, I know that at the end of the day, having that just wouldn't make me comfortable, make me happy, make me me. This thing has only been a burden from day one. I don't want the kind of expectations that come with the title of "Girlfriend". I am a much happier individual alone. I don't have to sucuumb to anyone's ideals of what I should be and what I should do. I can just be me, fancy free, FREE with a capital f. Maybe I haven't matured to that point, but what in this world really says that I have to? I have to do this, cut this binding feeling away. Though there could very well be other factors that have been keeping me down, I know from past experience that this is the big one. Society already has enough expectations of me, and thus I don't need another. This Spring Break is when I'll do it. It could be the worst time, especially considering his mental state lately, but mine must come first, however selfish that may sound. He must accept my friendship or forget me. It may just be easier to do the latter. I'm off to college and to the South, at least with what my parents have in mind. I don't need another thing to worry about. I won't rue the day we met, or even this experience, but I must move on. Life is an experiment after all, and some things are just not possible - they just don't work - so you log the results and begin anew. Of course there are other reasosn why this particular experiment has failed. I just don't feel like I should disclose them. After all, I am not completely sure of them myself. Life is a barrel of uncertainty - that's why there is the hypothesis.

Anyway, I'm done being all metaphorical and whatnot. It's over. I can't help but begin to feel better at the thought of that notion. The anger I shed towards you daily - that was self loathing. That was me saying, why did I do this to myself? The tears I shed every once in awhile for unapparent reasons, that was me searching inside myself for the reasons I felt like crap after long spans of this binding - it was an after effect of the self loathing. I don't know. This is me trying to make sense of things. Yesterday when I was at Dave's class, the slightest bit of laughter directed towards me triggered a fit of tears. Normally such things have no affect on me. Those little kids don't have half the talent I have just yet, I know. It could have been frustration, but such a thing is too small to cry over. And when I came to the dinner table and made a mistake, which for whatever reason was amusing to the others, I should have not been crying over that. It was build up. Once again I looked to sleep for peace and when I woke up, I knew what I had to do. I called my parents and told them how I felt. And through that I found the answer. I only hope you can be mature about what I have to do. If you ever really cared about me after all, you'll understand...

Next update, I have to talk about Washington. But I just had to get this out. Until next time, toodles.

Day # ? - Gotta Get Caught Up

Yea, I've been back from the National Youth Leadership Conference since Sunday, but I've got so much that I've got to catch up on that I don't have the time to write about my exciting experience. I definitely had a lot of fun. It taught me a lot about leadership and even a little more about myself, a mystery even to the girl in the mirror. Soon as I have the time, I'll give an in depth synopsis. I REALLY need to update this thing. This layout is making me sick again... If I just change the image, it should be fine. I also need to pin down a domain name. Every time I sit down to consider purchasing it, another idea comes up. That issue, however, is for another day. Toodles!

Shards of Self

Dear Lord, I am so tired. I have been up for the past week and a half updating this thing. I've fallen asleep during class a couple of times. The squirrels in the attic haven't helped either. I just can't sleep lately. Or maybe I don't want to. There is one class in particular that's been bugging me, College Social Science Seminar, also known as AP History. By the end of this month, I have to write a minimum ten page paper on the history of Germany. Now that I think about it, I have a paper on Dalí due mid May. My teachers are trying to kill me, I swear. But even through all the stress, I've been happy, which is really the most important thing. Still, I just want school to end. It's to the point where I actually dared to cut school one day. Me, Asia, of all people. Everyone who heard was shocked. I just really needed a break. So that Friday, the 29th of April, I went over to my best friend's house and hung out the whole day. The rest of our friends eventually came too. That was absolutely beautiful. Although, I did get caught. The 11th/12th grade dean comes to my fourth block class, Graphic Design and tells me that I have a detention to serve. Of course I was more honest than I needed to be, admitting that I'd skipped the entire day and not just fourth block, so one detention turned into four. Honesty, however, sets you free. I told Kelly, the resident director of my boarding home, and she was so much in shock that it didn't turn into anything. She was extremely happy that I told her instead of trying to plot and find a way out of it. So then I went to school today and negotiated with the dean. He agreed that because I was so honest, I could be cut a break. So now the detention is down to one. Well, I have to say I'd like to try (almost) everything once, and the experience certainly wasn't a negative one. It's been fun. Well, I've got some work to do, so I'll be going now. Thanks for visiting!

Day # 109

Wow, long time no write, eh? I haven't been busy, really, but I just haven't been able to focus the same way I used to. It could be a lack of sleep, maybe even water. I've been getting lots of dizzy spells lately, most likely due to dehyrdration. I've got a gallon sitting right next to me, but water is just so boring for me. Unless it's really hot or my mouth is very dry, like, say, after having to speak nonstop, I can't drink at the fast rate I need to get it down. I can never just sip it down - it's too dull. Hot damn, I hope I don't wind up in some hospital in D.C.

Yep, that's right, that's why I'm not going to be here, and why this update was rushed. I have to pack to leave for Washington tomorrow. I am going to be an attendee of the Congressional Youth Leadership Council. That tiny bit of excitement my father mangaged to put into me a few weeks ago has long gone. I have no interest in this stuff, and I am so uninformed about the kind of crap we'll have to talk about. But oh well, what can they do if cannot participate at the same rate as all the other kids? I hope they're not all like total brains, because I totally don't fit into that category, though I was once perceived that way. I'll chalk it all up to impeding (sp?)dehydration and shyness. That'll protect me. Egh.

I have so much I want to write about, but no time. I haven't written in a while, so there's so much to catch up on! Hopefully I'll remember on the 6th, when I return. I am dreading all the work I have to make up. Truly I am. Toodles.

Note to self: Pack light!

Day # 101

No more icecream. *cries* Why haven't Mummy and Duddy called me? I feel so loved. ¬_¬ I did talk to both of them earlier. Filing for financial aid can be such a pain in the ass. I'm seriously not having any children. XD ... Uhm. So Dad starts telling me all this stuff. Suddenly the Washington trip sounds like it could be fun, exciting even. I have to bring an evening gown. UGH. Good thing I'll be getting my hair done. Gotta keep it in good condition. Hopefully I shall SOCIALIZE too. Hopefully there'll be someone with similar interests! These people probably have money out the wazoo. It's not all about socializing, yea I know. Anyways, Dad was also telling me about Valentine's Day, how I'm making it too easy for you. Apparently my father is one of the few men to still give his spouse gifts, even after twenty years. That number is bigger than I thought it was. Apparently I ought to be spoiled, at least every once in a while. Apparently it is the male's duty and the thought process that someone will go through to get you something tells you a lot about a person. And what of a lady? I would love to hear father's commentary on that. They don't read this anymore. It kinda hurts. I guess they're busy though. Maybe they'll come back when I buy the domain. I have to let them know about that. It is an investment of sorts after all. I think once I talk to them about it, I'll go for the KMK deal. The Rocksta dude is totally not responding. But I won't say anything until the next layout is fully coded. I think I've already started to tire of it, though. I'll see.

Funny of the day: So Kathryn and Cory - they are basically the ultimate distraction for me during fourth block. I can't help it, I adore them, particularly when they're in a fair mood. At the end of class the funniest thing happened. Behind Kathryn there is a cut-out of people, you know, that kind of thing where you fold the paper and it creates a chain of whatever you cut it into, and it so happened to be out of black construction paper. So she rips down one and says something out of the movie "Roots." "'What's your name?' 'Kunta Kinte.'" It's the whole part where the slave master is attempting to whip him into accepting the name, "Toby Reynolds." I probably should have been offended, but I was more or less shocked into a fit of laughter. She appologized profusely, but I was laughing too hard to actually consider her appology. After seeing the parody that Dave Chappelle did off of that movie, I can't really take that movie as seriously anymore. LeVar Burton's face on the cover amuses me as well, especially considering the fact he was on Reading Rainbow once upon a time.

I should probably be more in touch with my culture. It is Black History month, don't you forget it. Trouble is though, our culture has been more or less beaten, stolen, raped, and everything else out of us. It takes us a lot more effort to trace ourselves back down to our deepest roots. It's harder for us to say oh I'm this that and the other thing. Essentially, our olive trees have been ripped out of the ground, hacked down, and distributed in books of history, coated with lies and untold secrets. While we are somewhat starting to plant new seeds, it takes very long for a tree to grow, especially after over one hundred years of damage to the soil. The olive tree is a reference to the book The Lexus and the Olive Tree, a book we're reading in my College Social Science Seminar AKA AP History class. I'm enjoying it so far. It's interesting to see how our world has changed and is continuing to change. This kind of history I like. It focuses on history on a global scale and not just on the US. US History is boring to me. There's so much about it that isn't true or fully put out there, because after all, we are the biggest "winners" out there. Bleh. Back to the roots thing, I'm interested in every other culture but my own for this reason most of all - it seems everyone else is in touch with their culture. Sure, ok, I'm African American, go study Africa, right? That just doesn't do it for me. I want to be able to be as precise as everyone else. But really, at the end of the day, I don't care really. It's because we must classify ourselves this way that many wars have been waged. We're all human beings in the end, so let's not hold it against each other that you're yellow, black, white, peach, or brown, 'kay? It's like the polar bear and the grizzly bear - practically the same animal, just from a different part of the world.

Intellectual rants are fun, assuming that's what all that was. But I best be off now. Good night.

Almost

I almost did it. I almost ordered the domain and space from KMK. I was going to just order the domain and get free space from Rocksta, but my patience is pretty short. The layout is pretty much done (just gotta code it) and I want it to be up before February 14th gets too far away. You'll see why when you see it.

I didn't hang up on you. I was talking and there was silence for like two minutes, so I handed the phone over to Shawnelle. The damn fool is cheating with the phone again. Apparently not with me though 'cause she knows I'd bust her a new one if she took it that far. Gotta fix that though. She's ridiculous with the phone.

Wednesday my school is having "Monochrome Day." I suggested that, actually. Feels good to have some power in student government. I hope people will actually do it, though. It'd be especially cool if people dressed in exotic colors. For whatever reason, I have a lot of white. Trouble is, this time of month and the color white are not good friends, if you know what I mean. I don't really want to wear all black, though. Actually... It depends on my hair. I would love to wear black eyeliner. I like the way it brings out my eyes. It's kind of difficult for me to apply eye makeup, though, because my eyes are really sensitive and I can't have something that close to my eyeball. I have all red, but I've done that before. Oh well. I'll find out when I get there.

I was supposed to go to Chinatown today to celebrate the Chinese New Year with the Int'l Club in my school, but I woke up too late to check the time we were supposed to be at the school. I guess deep down I didn't really want to go, though. It'd remind me too much of my buddy, probably your favorite person in the whole wide world. You know, it still bothers me that you felt the need to bring him up and couldn't tell me why you did so. I really was kind of offended when that happened. But anyway...

For whatever reason, I feel like shopping. Not here though, in New York. There's, like, nothing here, and it's harder to find bargains considering it's not easy to travel around this place. I don't know. I guess I need more springy stuff. I'm pretty sure most of my clothing is wintry and dull. I just don't care about fashion. I hardly ever care what I look like, either. The occasions when I do are VERY, VERY, rare, and often reserved to the smaller pictured, i.e., my hair, which is very fraile at the moment. I'm supposed to be going with Kelly to the Salon on Wednesday, I think, but I don't know how much sense that makes considering the fact that I want to go home. I don't really want to put the burden on my mom, though, and having to rely on her would mean I'd have to wait on her time to have my time and bleh. I need to call her. I would like my hair braided, though. It hasn't been done in a while and the last job was poor. Should have gone to Big Sis. Now I know. She probably needs the money more anyways, even though she wasn't asking for any.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I really don't like the holiday. As put well by a fellow Deviant Art member, you shouldn't need a day to tell someone, "I love you." Every waking moment you spend with that special someone should make them feel like they are special. I feel the holiday has lost sight of what it was created for. But then again, it is a Hallmark holiday. I don't know, I don't care. Happy Valentine's Day anyway. And remember, even if you're single, don't let the day depress you. Love for self is above all the most important thing. As Lucille Ball said, "Love yourself first and everything else falls into line." I actually like it better said as, "Love yourself first and others will follow," because I don't know much about "everything else." Notice how it's the confident people that go far. I don't mean be cocky, but at least have some self esteem. After all, how can you expect yourself to love another if you don't come to terms with the very first person you wake up to every day? I mean that on a conscious level, btw. You're obviously not going to be lying (laying?) next to yourself.

Well, it's about that time again. I napped at my host family's today, but still. I don't know how much time that was and I doubt it was enough. Finally the exterminator came by, so there are no squirrels scratching on the inside of my ceiling in the middle of the night. Sometimes, if I'm listening hard enough, I can hear the little kitties running around upstairs. I really ought to pay more attention to them. A companion is probably a good way to cheer one up, too. Not that I need that, for now. At this moment, I'm good. Could be the icecream. Good night!

The Weekend Sucks

You know it. It's so slow, and yet so fast at the same time. I don't want it to end for the sake of school, but if it means that I'll actually have something to do, to hell with it. AGH.

You know, I never put my boredom to good use. I just complain about it. Eat. Hardly ever anything constructive, though. I've got homework I could be doing, particularly an essay our teacher purposely assigned to be due on Senior Skip Day. And no, we can't email it to him. Ass. I could be cleaning my room. I could be doing quite a bit and yet, here I am.

I spent about two hours watching TV. It was a Michael Jackson special on VH1, about his "Secret Childhood." It's so sad, to think of the power that two conflicting worlds, that of fame in the secular enterainment industry and the strict religious background of Jehovah's Witnesses, can have. Really it is. It's such a shame.

So now, instead of ranting about anything else, I'm going to color something. I haven't used my tablet in a while and I might've forgotten how to use it. I haven't colored anything by hand in a while, either, which is a shame. I think that must be why I've been fiending for coloring books in a while. I just can't seem to find them lately, not any pretty ones anyway. "Make your own!" How about no?

Note to self: Those little stud earrings hurt like hell, especially my left ear. It feels kind of swollen, but I'm too lazy to get up and check.

Oh great... Just when I got some peace and quiet, someone comes in with the phone, loud as hell. Just what I needed... I need some new CDs!

Don't push me 'cause I'm close to the edge. I'm tryin' not to lose my head. It's like a jungle sometimes - it makes me wonder how I keep from going under.

Day # 98

So here I am, once again in Graphic Design. I have completed the Photoshop component of my project, so I must now vectorize it in Illustrator. That's not exciting. I mean, I love AI and would love to have it for myself, but EGH. I hate my projects. They are so not creative. But Independent Study is the SHIZNIT!

Anyway, today was a rather pleasant day. Only not. I was like one of seven people to actually dress up for this week's school sprit theme - Crazy Dress Day. Basically you wear the kind of stuff nobody wears and you get candy. SUCKY candy that is, probably the same candy they had for CHRISTMAS!

Second block was super duper long and I wanted to cry. Our teacher was giving us so many notes and he never writes on the board, so I had to listen to him and he talks REALLY fast. I am not an aural (as in audio?) learner. I need to SEE. I'm an artist, goddammit! He doesn't care. He just goes on and on and on.

So then I'm talking to my freshman buddies and Kathryn asks me to write on her pants. At first I drew an upward arrow that said "Cory was here," but that was kind of mean so I had to change it to Katryn. The letter h did not fit. Cory tried to snatch the marker from me and my drink (Minute Maid Fruit Punch) spilled all over the keyboard, onto my eskimo coat, the floor, and the kid next to me. Kathryn went into a panic and ran down the hallway to go get paper towels. Meanwhile, Cory and I had to slowly push away the monitor and the keyboard to keep the red sea from seeping in. After much delay, my brain finally clicked on and I ran next door to get paper towels. This kid named Issac is all like, "Why do I feel like I know you?" I ran out of the room and said, "Yes, you do know me Issac!" At that moment he couldn't understand why I knew his name and looked at me as if I were crazy. Way to get distracted. Finally I ran back to the GD lab and wiped up what I could, eventually needing to run back to the Ceramics/Photography room since I hadn't ripped off enough of the paper towels. Issac distracted me again and we talked about how he knew me, through Big Sis and his sister. Back into the room, but I still didn't grab the whole paper towel roll like a MORON. Kathryn thought ahead of me and brought it in, and finally, the red sea subsided. YAY!

For once in my life, I think I'm going to go try and do my homework AT HOME. I kinda have to do that for my history homework at least. Those damn 6th graders corrupted me. It was then that my homework habits started to slip. Anyways, I feel like such an idiot in that class. I am surrounded by all of these bright, politically driven people, people that will probably one day make a valid and useful contribution to the world. They are constantly debating and inserting their opinions while I seldom can offer nothing. Truth be told, I don't really care about any of this stuff. I probably really ought to, but the way I figure it, man has this drive to survive, to remain the dominant figure, like every other thing on this earth, and if that means plugging democracy and capitalism all over, that's what man's gonna do. It's inevitable, so why must I discuss it? I am not fit for such things, which is why I sit in the back of the classroom, doodling and admiring my intelligent classmates. Even though, I probably shouldn't equate intellgence with political interest... Anyway! I'm done for the night. I hope Dave is healthy tomorrow. I NEED MY ART DOSE!

All Better Now

Yay. Here are some natural highs for me. Note that none of them are in any particular order: hot and long showers, long and restful sleep, laughter, drawing, writing, COMPUTERS, and talking on the phone with you. Yay. As long as I get enough of those each day, I think I can keep this emotional rollercoaster I've been experiencing over the past few days in balance. I almost deleted the depressing entries again. But I decided not to. I probably don't share enough of myself, and maybe it'd be good for you to know how that side of me can feel. Don't take any of it to heart, though. None of it is your fault. In fact, these days, I need you. Thank you for everything, and for being you. I just wish you could be a little more of a happier person. I don't like to see you suffer. Good night, sweetie. <3

Day # 97

Still feeling kinda cruddy, but I guess I'm ok. In Graphic Design, I made friends with these two freshmen. Ew, freshmen, right? Eh, no. Age is just a number and I don't like those things. Not really, anyways. Beyond 1+2=3, they're pretty much useless. Of course I'm not entirely serious about that. So anyway, it's a girl and a boy. They kind of weird me out, which is probably why I enjoy conversing with them. They are very silly people, and in their presence, I can be a complete moron and not have to think about the weight that's hanging over me for the moment. I like that. They make me happy. I hate having to rely on others for that though.

In other news, my money was removed without prior permission. It was for a worthy cause, possibly lifesaving, so I allowed my desire to be pissed off to subside. It was weird though. I think I am officially going to have to start hiding my money now. I don't feel safe anymore. End.

The Gemini Kinda Sucks

So the newbie tutor, Autumn, knows all kinds of astrological crap, and she has this book, Sex Signs by some woman named Judith Bennet. Yea, so I'm also interested in Astrology so I'm reading through this book and looking through the past entry, damn near everything is true. Alot of the things I expressed in the past entry and even ones older than that (i.e. the fear of intimacy, enjoying the chase, bleh, bleh)were all in that book. Why is it that a book like that can tell us almost any and everything about ourselves? Are we doomed to fit these molds?

It's fascinating, really, kind of scary. I know not every one believes this stuff, but it's interesting that it holds true for many people. I think I'm going to have to copy the pages out of the book, for personal reference. It's good stuff.

All right, bed time. Let's hope that miraculously, I remember how to conjugate irregular spanish infinitives, 'kay?

Although she inwardly craves intimacy, the thought of it often stifles and suffocates her. She'll play at it, but don't expect "heaviness" from her. Of course I'm never going to have children, let alone settle down. EGH. I AM DOOMED.

...Why is it that teens date anyway?

Day # 96

Geez, man. Class at the CAC was canceled today. That really does suck. Mondays already serve up a crapload of misery, and then the one thing that keeps me going for most of the day is gone. Great, just great. I've got to wait until Thursday, now. Hopefully Dave gets better soon. One thing I truly hate about the Winter is that everyone has to get sick. I am among the fortunate to have either a better immune system or a smidget of the OCD when it comes to washing my hands and interacting with unhealthy persons.

Yesterday I had a pounding headache which didn't go away until I woke up this morning. Sleeping at the other end of the bed has very strange affects on my sleeping habits. Anyway, although I have been pretty healthy in the physical sense of the word, my mental condtion has been rather waverly. I haven't really been much of myself, and I become a bit of a recluse until I step foot out of this house. The instant I'm in again, unless I am so into whatever it is I am doing to entertain myself, I feel weighed down again. It's sickening, really. It sort of drags on into school too, unless, as previously stated, I am utterly distracted. I'm so bored sometimes, though, the only real solace I find is in sleep.

In a word, I have been a little depressed these days. I don't know why, but I've been examining everything as a possible cause, particularly certain relationships. Sometimes I feel so distant from my family, from a lot of people really. I'm starting to think that keeping myself from going home that 4 / 5 (if I participate in Senior Skip Day) day weekend wouldn't do me any good. Being pent up in this house is unhealthy.

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, to other people. Kathleen was telling me how this boy from my freshman year is totally different, how he denies ever being interested in me in the same manner that I do (As in, "What're you talking about? That never happened!"), how he's suddenly a "bad boy." It's funny, because he used to ask me, "Why don't you like me? You want a bad boy, don't you?" Though I wasn't really clear about my reasoning then, I know now that my freshman year, especially since it was one in a very different environment, away from home and family, and constantly surrounded by a new kind of people, I could not have ever been ready to accept his request. And besides, I was still very paranoid about boys then. Somehow, deep down, I think that's still the case. I find I've always been one to enjoy the chase, but not exactly the capture, when all the excitement is over. I see that I find boys more interesting as a spectacle to be viewed from afar (i.e., out of the binding agreement that is the relationship.) Being the one chased down is not exactly fun either, especially when the interest is out of balance. There have been a number of crazy boys to have ever liked me long before I was interested in guys. What they saw in me then is definitely unfathomable. Now, I guess I'm ok, but, you still have to be crazy or be looking for something totally off of my personal agenda. But after much contemplation in this depressed state, I'm wondering if relationships in their entirety should be removed. I don't mean friendship and interaction with people, but you know, that kind.

This is the same thing that happened as expressed in an entry written November 8th, 2004. I removed it (though I still have it in draft form), hoping the feelings would pass, and sure enough, they did, eventually. But every now and then, they return. I was reading something on my guidance counselor's board last week, and it mentioned how depression rates are increasing at an alarming rate on college campuses. Though the article was probably fairly old, it has yet to be rendered false. At the very end of the article, it said something about bipolar depression, something like how someone only experiences the extremes - either they are really happy or really sad. Sometimes I feel that way, although most of the time I feel stuck somewhere in between - apathy. It could all be in my head. I really do need to get my hands on some comfort food soon or I may just go MAD. Gelatos are delicious, btw.

Speaking of which, my AA and I went to see a ballet on Sunday, the main feature being "Nine Sinatra Songs." The other two features were 11:11 and something about Waltzs. Male ballerinas are rather amusing. Talk about immaturity.

Know that it hasn't only been you in tears. I've been going through some shit too.

Artichokes are just like, BLAH. Like stringed beans.

I cut myself today. I didn't even notice it for a while, though. I really should not be allowed to cook. I am just too much of a freaking klutz.

This entry is pretty darn random. In other news, before I close this one out, layout progress is steady. I just need to create a main image. At first each page was going to load a new image, sort of like, Celesse's site, but without the magic of tables, but I find I don't have the patience to do that, especially considering the theme for the upcoming layout. I hate Valentine's Day. Peace out.

Day # 93

As you can probably tell, I haven't written in a while, mostly for emotional reasons. I'm better now, for now. Just when I thought of something that I really liked for a domain name, it was brought to my attention that the general population cannot spell very well. I may just go ahead with it anyway. It'll help wade out all the people that'll leave a trail of non-english/mispelled comments, anyway. Though it's somewhat self deprecating, the meaning of the word has somewhat lost it's original negative meaning and is an accepted norm in... culture, and it's not exactly a lie. I don't know. But I want to do this soon. Toodles.

The Gemini Complex

This weekend has been horrible. I only really enjoyed myself for the latter part of Saturday night, but the rest of the time, I was too busy being a bitch or sulking to do anything right. Waking up this morning was weird. When I got up, I laid on the couch in the study hall room, somehow feeling like something had and was going to go wrong. And it did. I had to have things explained to me at least three times before it made more sense. Somehow, Kelly has been made out to be very irrational in my mind, so whenever she comes to me to explain something, to discipline, I usually can't accept it that first time. So I had to have the Schachners explain it to me again, as I see them as much more rational. It's sad that they'll be out of the picture soon. I'm just grateful for the opportunity to know them. I'm so sick of this cycle. I keep so much of myself bottled up. I actually can't wait for the day that I crack. I might actually have some fun then. I'm sorry.

Day # I Think I Lost Count

The very first line in the previous entry remains. I am SO upset. I really hate waiting. I REALLY, REALLY, DO. Don't tell me you're going to do something and then not do it. PLEASE don't, especially when it's something that's as big a deal as this. There are multiple people involved here. Hell, you had me up at one last night about this. Where the hell are you?!

But I can't stay angry for long. First off, it's not in my nature. Second off, I'm worrying too. Anything can happen. And third, but certainly not least, I got into my top choice college. As of today, I am officially a Mawrter! Now, about financial aid...

I'm going to type an email, sulk, and probably force myself to sleep. My head hurts... Too much stress.

Day # 89

|=.|_|.(.|<._Y.().|_|. Brownie points if you know what that says, even though it probably won't look right once it's in the appropriate font. The both of you need to hear it every now and then, ya goddamn mofos.

Nice to know that you can tell the truth every now and then. You've got the nerve to say some kind of $|-|17 like that as immature as you can be. But that's ok. We already know what I think of you sometimes. Hell yea, I'm offended. How are you going to write something like that on my own blog? How in the hell am I annoying when you don't even see me every day? Oh, and, write in English, PLEASE.

SCREW YOU and everything and everyone else that's managed to piss me off between yesterday and today, whether by legitimate means are not. WTF was the deal with the phone the other day? It seemed to cut off right in the nick of time. I appologize if I offended you or something, but damn, that's trifling. That is, ASSUMING that you hung up. If you don't call, I don't think the request for you to stay is going to be made. I need clarification. Because as of now, I'm pissed. I forsee disaster.

I've been feeling victimized this entire week, for a while really. I suppose that's why I'm so wary of everything in the first place. So afraid of PAIN.

Some nice things happened today, but I'm in a rotten mood, and house meetings don't help exactly. PEACE OUT.

Day # 88

Wow, my entries have been long all week. Somebody's got some catching up to do. Or not. I don't think this weekend deal is going to happen. Maybe the next? I really want you to be able to ask them yourself if you can come down here, though. That's why I was stalling in the first place. And I figure it's only fair to give them a breather. Not that you were trouble for them or anything. I do miss you, but... I wonder if mother and father would care? It's not like we're unsupervised or anything, so... XD

Maybe I spoke too soon about SAD. Or maybe it goes with the time of the month. Egh. Or recent events. Today was a bit of a miserable day. They changed my lunch. I feel the need to curse, to express emphasis. But I shall refrain, for the moment. When my third block teacher told me the news, I almost cried. I finally get lunch with all my friends and somebody screws me over. Sure, A lunch is ridiculously crowded, but it had to be my luck to be in a class that was switched. I ought to pretend like I forgot tomorrow, but that'd make me a cutter. I will admit that I did that once. Anyways, my backup friends are not in that lunch either. And it sucks ASS. (Oh excuse me I meant arse.) It's back up to the library in the throes of starvation (kidding, I can last until two or three thirty) and loneliness for me. After a week of that I'll get "depressed" again and force myself to go down, for better or worse. But I doubt there's anyone decent enough left to make friends with at C lunch. Geez. I didn't realize that I'd gotten this dependent on my friends. But in all actuality, it's one person. Christ, I'm going to miss her. *sobs*

No really, I do feel like crying again. I am such a WRECK. I should go eat something. That always makes me feel better, that is until I get hungry again fifteen to thirteen minutes later. (Fatty. XD) Uhm. Last night I was up at midnite making da bomb cheese/green and red peppers/kielbasa omlette. I accidently poured like a gallon of pepper into the... egg stuff, but it worked out fine in the end. Salt was not needed, considering the fact that kielbasa is so salty. Mmm... food. I SO need some Butter Pecan right now...

It'd be nice to have you around too. But we know what happens everytime. If I could spend a month alone with you, alone, for the most, but not entire part, that'd do me some good. But the odds of that happening...

I think I officially have a hernia. I just lifted a 20lb + box of paper. Pain. I am such a WEAKLING.

Rant of the day - I hate to feel like a lab animal. Kathleen, my roomie, has a number of friends that enjoy watching me. (...Ew...) They find me amusing. When I'm not looking, (even if I'm sitting RIGHT beside them) they just watch me, looking for "funny" instances to tell to their little friends. The only reason why I know they do this is because of Kathleen. Why do I bother to listen? I guess I'm a fool. But still, you know what I have to say to these girls? Get a freaking life. (Whew, almost switched that up thar.) Pay attention in class for once. Your grades might go up. I guess I find it annoying because I can't quite understand how they could be so easily entertained. Apparently the very sound of my voice can send them into a fit of giggles sometimes. Am I really that much of a geek? Or are they that immature? It's ok, it's ok. After all, I don't give a shit what they think of me. I just like to complain. It's a shame I have to resort back to apathy in school. It was so much more fun the other way.

So then, to top the day off, the computer I use in the Graphic Design lab was down today, so I was ONCE AGAIN ushered to the back. And I HATE the back. Jesus CHRIST. Good thing tomorrow I have class at the Community Art Center. It's all I feel I have going for me sometimes. Even though, sometimes it doesn't help my mood either, particularly when I'm in a block or when I get to thinking about my college decisions. Oh my Jesus.

*Sigh* I am officially back to hating school. And with AP History on the roster, it ain't gettin' any better. Yes, I'm a pessimist at heart. So sue me.

Forgive them for they know not what they do...

Ok, so maybe they aren't half bad. But if I can avoid dealing with them, especially the really disrespetful types, I'd probably be better off. Yea, yea, I know it's not their fault... Apparently I did a good job today. Who woulda thought? According to the teacher I was assisting, some little kid had a crush on me. That was funny. I could kind of tell in the end, though, because he held the door open for me. That was sweet. During class, one of the little kids was like, "It's rude to ask a lady her age!" when one of the kids did so. Sometimes kids are pretty cute. It's just that my tolerance levels need a bit of tweaking. I dunno. It was fun today. Who knows if I'll do it again?

Day # 87

Uhm... I think it's the 87th day. Haven't been keeping track exactly. I think that even when I write these things, I have ADD. I always find myself remembering stuff I was supposed to write long after the fact. So right now I'm in class, clearly not doing what I should. This is Graphic Design 3 / Independent Study. You know, there probably shouldn't be spaces between the slashes. But anyways, the teacher is absent today. We were supposed to be watching the video, but we were assigned the worst substitute of all time. Today he gives me this whole spiel about him being thirty five years older than me and knowing alot. CLEARLY you don't know much if you don't know how to start a DVD and/or plug in a TV. It's hilarious. It's like he just landed on this planet or something. I obviously know that we're supposed to be watching this video, but I couldn't fail my classmates now, could I? As the eldest member of the class (in terms of both grade and experience with this course), I naturally felt called to order. So I went next door and got the keys to get the mouses out of the closet for the Macs instead of having him start the video. We'd be pretty darn bored anyways. Yea, so here I am...

Lunch is absolutely perfect, for once in my life. I have lunch with all my friends and even that bit has grown a tad. There's Andii, Kay, Steph, and a new addition to the bunch, Rebecca. She's an artist, so naturally I took a liking to her. I really like her style, too. It's pretty neat. The Friday before finals, she came over Andrea's for the weekly ritual of "Halo Night" and joined in on the fun. It was then that I witnessed her talent. We talked about collaborating and whatnot. It was cool. That's one of the reasons why i need to hurry up and get this thing prepared so that I can show off my skills. But dammit, I can't quite think of a domain name. If this kind of stuff is keeping me up at night, it's obviously important to me.

The placement of lunch this semester is really nice because it pretty much splits my day in half in terms of difficulty. Spanish is moderate, AP History is high, then lunch is break time after the teacher's lecturing. GOD I got my first taste of that today and I was nodding off, especially since I was dismissed to the back. I should've been Rosa Parks today, but the kid that took my seat is cool and the kid I sit next to now is pretty decent, so I just stayed put. The reason I'd sat in the front in the first place was to keep myself awake. Although it may not have been a successful tactic, it was at least an attempt. The teacher requested that we stay put in our current seats so that he could remember names, although honestly, given the fact that I'm the only black kid in the class, how difficult will it be to remember mine?

After lunch when we have AP Human Geography, I have to go outside of the building in order to get to my next class - in the trailers. They're not so bad, actually. I like the way they smell - kind of like wood, they have a water cooler (SPRING water, not fountain water, guaranteed called and hopefully clean), and the rooms are warm. ALL of them. It's great because I generally carry my coat around the school all day. The only real problem I have with the trailers is that they're like paper thin so we can hear everything if the class three doors down is rowdy. We'll get used to it, I'm sure. The desks and chairs are kinda like cardboard too (only not), but somehow they seem more reliable than the ones in the school with the screws coming out and whatnot. No rocky desks! Hurrah!

So I get to teach a class at the Community Art Center, if all goes well. As I've said several times by now, I'm not the biggest fan of children, exactly. Though they're middle schoolers, they pretty much tend to retain that childlike mentality until high school (and unfortunately, beyond sometimes). Still, the other day I was touched when this kid, a sixth grader, said goodbye to me. He was so adorable! But there might be a reason for that even. Basically, last year I had this one kid I defined as my "stalkee," basically someone I just really adored. I probably went a little too far with the last kid, though. XD That probably sounds so sick. This one kid was like half Japanese or something and reminded me of the Beetles. I used to bug him alot, especially since we go to the same school. We still do, but I stopped saying hello because he seems a little wary of me. He'll poke me every now and then and shyly say hello, which is nice. But as for the new kid, younger this time around, he SO looks like a cartoon character. He's so adorable. Quote of the day, "I don't understand those words [PMS]." That was HEELAIREEUS. I'd discuss how that conversation occurred, but I have to start getting everyone to pack up. Don't want to miss my bus because of a few people that can't shut down and store their mouses! I'll be back to write later, about my teaching experience. Ta-ta!