Game Over

Within a couple of days, I will finally make my ascent from what has up until the end of last year, has been hell. It's funny I use this analogy, because as of late, it seems Jesus has been out to get me. I'll explain that through the course of this entry.

After what has so far been a very busy and eventful June, I am somewhat staggering with the choice to either look forward to or to dread the coming of the end of high school, and what feels like, the end of my adolescence. I have so much ahead of me, and yet I am so afraid of leaving what is quickly starting to trail behind me. Ultimately, I can't help but look forward with excitement and anticipation. I thus far have the life my parents always wanted laid right out in front of me, the college road, a pathway to success. But it's the friendships I've formed, a few of which have both been weakening and strengthening, that keep me keep me looking to the past, wishing I had done so much more with my social (and to an extent my academic) life.

I'm sure I share many of the same regrets with some of the most successful people of this day and age have probably held in their past, and that never stopped them from getting to where they are. So why am I so afraid?

I'm done with the nostalgic stuff for now. Let's hear about what's happened so far, in this June of my Senior year.

Wednesday, June 1st

There is plenty which has taken place before this day, but I have been so unenthusiastic about blogging, that such events have passed from my mind for the lack of having written them down.

I remember very little about this day, except for it being the sunniest in a while. It was by this time that I'd finally decided that I would be attending the Senior Ball without a date. Of course, I didn't feel very secure about it, especially considering the fact that I'd been fortunate enough to have gone with a date the previous year. After a short phone call and a trip to the flower shop, however, I was going to have a bit of a change of plans.

So a friend of mine calls me up this day, last minute, the day before prom, and asks if I'd like to go with him. I was hesitant for a moment. I felt kind of odd that he'd even ask me. What was I to think of this? Was I just a backup because he hadn't mustered up the courage to ask the "hot underclassmen" to go with him? Then there were the superficial sort of things that came to mind, like, "Isn't he kind of short to be going with?" and "What will people think with you having gone to the prom with two Asian males in a row?" I already was starting to develop that kind of liking towards him, as described in a previous entry, so why not just say yes? With my tendency to overanalyze things, I have ruined a lot. So this time, I just shook my thoughts from my head and told him yes. As a member of our friendship group, I was going to wind up being within his presence the whole night anyway, so it wasn't going to be that a big a deal, right?

I could tell by the uncertainty in his voice that he wasn't sure I'd say yes. He appologized for the short notice, but I shrugged it off willingly. Shortly, after a struggle in finding my hidden driveway, he came to pick me up, and we went to the flower shop in town to order the boutonniere (that word is hella hard to spell) and corsage. It was odd getting in his car that first time, especially considering what was to come.

Thursday, June 2nd

The big day had arrived. Obtaining an early dismissal slip, my best friend and I left school to take a nap before heading to the salon, another beautiful day in our midst. I was rudely awakened (as per usual) by my roommate and her professional stylist friends, but it was ok, because it was by that time that I had to get up anyway. Switching into a button down shirt (to avoid the hassle of possibly ruining my hair by having to pull a shirt over my head as is what happened last year), I ran down the stairs and into the speedy car of an adult friend of my best friend. We drove to the local Hair Cuttlery and the beautifying began. My hair was freshly washed and straightened by my mother, so the up-do I chose was rather simple to complete. The hair dresser finished my do before my best friend's which certainly hadn't been the case last year, when my hair was in much worse of a state, and we went to a store next dore for a milkshake, meeting up with a school friend. Hmm... that reminds me that I have to be reimbursed for my hair. Finally our ride arrived and we went on to the next stages of beautification.

With much less time than I'd expected, I hurriedly dressed in my pale yellow prom dress, eventually asking my roomie's "personal stylist" friend to do makeup. I thought it was a bit too intense at first, but that was just my insecurity talking. I don't usually wear makeup except for occasions so formal as this, especially considering I start quaking before anyone can get a bent finger, mascara brush in hand, near my eye. I must learn to apply makeup myself this summer, if it's the last thing I do. It can be a cute little mother-daughter event. We don't do enough of such things.

Fleeing downstairs to greet the paparazzi, I finally came out of the bat cave which is my room, donning my sunny disguise. Having so much attention at once tends to make me very nervous, and I am often prone to leave things. I don't like taking pictures, as with nearly ever girl out there, I've got my insecurites.

Once pretty much everyone was done with their gawking, I hopped in a car to head to my best friend's house, for once in my life, on time. My date greeted me with a smile and "You lookin' nice," the silly boy with his urban accent, which at that moment, I thought came only from a little too much of listening to "Fitty Cent." Given time, there was much to learn about the boy.

After a photo op on my best friend's lawn, we all hopped in a limo headed towards the Hotel Dupont in Wilmington, Delaware. There was a bit of a delay, as we had a few issues concerning payment and the contract, but in the end, we'd arrive on time.

What's it like in a limo? Well... seeing as to how it's just another car to me, it's difficult for me to describe it in the extravagant light it is often portrayed in. I mean it's just a goddamn fancy car with a CD changer, a DVD, and pretty glowing lights on the inside, hidden from view by tinted windows. Sure, it's nice to say I've been in one, but its main purpose was to go from Point A to B, which it did. I don't think the stretchy, sleek white car was worth such a small task, but it's the cool thing to do, so EGH.

What's the matter? I don't sound excited about it at all now, do I? Believe me you, I was, at the time. But with so many days gone past, that feeling of euphoria is now a fleeting memory. I think I ought to go to bed now, however. It's already taken me over an hour to write what you've read thus far. Hopefully in the morning, I won't feel as dead inside as I do right now. I don't know whether this feeling is the result of fatigue or the thundercloud that's been hovering in and out of view for the past two days. I don't know what's wrong with me right now, actually. I had a breakdown today, spurred on by a number of things, but that, is to be written about later. Hasta mañana mis amigos.

Sleepy Time

Agh, I'm tired. This week has been pretty good, except in terms of getting what I need to do done. I have not written a word of my paper, though I'm pretty sure I've collected enough resources in terms of research. Germany's history seems so cleancut. I haven't come across any discrepancies between texts, so I'm pretty sure the bulk of my information is correct. What I need to do is sit down, like I am now, and do the paper for hours in a row. Then, before I know it, I'll be done. Hopefully having a laptop on hand will make that much easier to acheive. I may just bring it home with me this weekend after all. If only writing a paper were like building a website. I wish I were as passionate about it. Alas, such is not so.

Tuesday I believe it was, I received my very own laptop! There's an anonymous individual who has donated one for every senior for the past four years. We've tried to think of who it is, but we're pretty sure we've come up with nothing with our guesses. It has to be someone on the inside, because how else would they know how many seniors there are exactly? Thank you, whoever you are. Our House Chair came into the house all nonchalant like he usually does, just having a little chitchat with us and all. He claimed to have come to wait for the other senior, my roommate, to arrive, but he finally gave in. I swear my heart stopped for a few seconds when I saw that box. The box had nothing on its outsides that would tell you it was a computer, but in my heart I just knew. I could smell it. I squealed for a moment, eventually becoming a little lightheaded, although I don't think I reacted as everyone expected me to. I never go to the extreme with my emotions, though, except for after buildup, in anger. Speaking of which, I'd blown up on my roommate recently too. But the second she heard the laptops had come in, she'd forgotten all about her grudge against me. Thank goodness, because it was stupid to begin with. Yes, I admit, it was my fault.

You see, I have this thing with my hair. I take a lot of pride in it, so you could say I am a bit like Samson. You know that story about the Israelite judge whose strength is in his hair? Well anyway, my sense of self beauty is often tied to my hair. When it's looking nice, I tend to feel most proud of myself, and my self esteem is at its highest. Anything offered to damage it is offered a death sentence in return. Well, the other senior said something to me, something I have heard time and time again, and have always respond to the same way. She suggested that I get my hair relaxed (that is, straightened permanently via chemicals) for graduation. I seriously exploded on her. There was always someone in this house telling me I should do it. I feel like that's the worst thing I could do to my hair. I wanted to tell her to look in the mirror and witness what a perm has done to her own hair, but anger got a hold of me. It seriously destroys my ability to think about what I'm saying and say it correctly. I was trembling after that battle, although I wasn't ready to agree to the silliness of it all just yet. The next day, I was willing to forgive, but when the other senior flipped because I'd touched her magazine, I gave up. I really don't know why that happened that way myself. It just somehow really angered me that I once again had to repeat myself about the fact that I did not want a perm because it is my belief that it destroys your hair. No one understands it though, because I am one of the few and proud who still believes in au naturel black hair. Sure, it's a lot of work to handle our napps as is, but those chemicals do not mean the answer. Once you put them in your hair, there really isn't a way to revert. Or so, that's how I have come to understand it. I hate it when people try to force their opinions on me. You are entitled to yours, sure thing, but if I have for four years explained that you cannot convince me of otherwise, why can't you just quit?

Yea, I think I'm going to go take a nap. The laptop is away being configured, so hopefully it'll be back soon. I NEED IT. I can't wait to start installing stuff. Plus it's wireless, so I can stay in my room FOREVER if I wanted to. The net is all I need. Peace out!

Procrastination Kills

My, my, my, how this weekend has flown by. It's been a pretty fun weekend, though I have to wonder about whether it would have been more fun had certain things been exchanged. Friday I went to the mall to buy gifts for my best friend's birthday. I truly hate to buy gifts, because it seems that at that moment in time, the value of my friendship is represented through the purchased item. And in the end, it's all about a filthy piece of paper. So while I was wandering around KB Toys I got a pleasant surprise. The very person I was to purchase the present for just so happened to be in the mall and greeted me quite enthusiastically. It certainly made me happy to see her, but I was concerned about the fact that her presence would kill the element of surprise. Nontheless, she, another one of our friends, and I, walked to the Chinese food place in the mall, Panda Express. Two of our friends work there, and boy was I blown away when we finally arrived.

Something about the yellow collared shirt brought out his broad shoulders, which randomly seemed attractive to me that evening. No one noticed, but I couldn't stop smiling, and blushing. Our two friends were actually pretty good behind the counter. But all the while, he was my center of attention. It was hella odd, because I'd never even thought of him that way before. I listened to him talk about his job as he sat to eat dinner with us during his break, more intently than I had ever before. I swear, I've had some degree of a crush on all my male friends. It's kinda weird, and I guess I'm a little bit more boy crazy then I give my self credit for.

After dinner, I left the birthday girl alone with our Panda Express friends to go find her a gift. I was walking from store to store trying to find something that just called out to me, but nothing in particular really stood out. With two of my friends meeting up with me to rush me out of the mall, I fell back to "It's the though that counts," and bought some pretty random things, a huge roll of reusable manga stickers, and an arts and crafts kit to use to decorate your cellphone. I felt so worthless. We left the mall altogether and they dropped me off at home. I immediately came to the computer and wrote in my Live Journal from the depths of my soul about how much I cared about the birthday girl. It was weird, because after reading it, I easily came off as a lesbian, which is certainly not the case. I could never imagine such a thing. Ew.

Saturday my boarding home went on a house trip to Dorney Park. My second time, I went on nearly all the rides we approached. I'm starting to get better at not being so afraid of rollercoasters, which is good. Honestly, though, it wasn't all that exciting. Hopefully, if my friends and I do go to Six Flags after the prom, it'll be much more fun. Or maybe all in all, I actually did enjoy myself. I'm just not the happiest person right now. Why? Well, let's just say that procrasination kills. I have a lot of work to do and no time, so I won't be fiddling with this site for a while. Hang in there. I'll be back.

Day # 156

AP History was very entertaining for me today, for once. I don't hate the class, it's just that half the time we're talking about things I for one don't know anything about or care about, although I probably should. We were discussing an article about big bad Clear Channel. Boy did I have a load of two cents to chuck today. I was proud to actually be able to contribute something to the class for once in a long while. It was interesting, too, listening to the teacher give arguments for and against Clear Channel. I certainly have to agree that it isn't that much of the bad apple it's cracked up to be. It does some good. It's money that's at the root of the issue here. That, however, is another story.

So today I served the first (and last) detention of my life. It seriously wasn't that big a deal. In fact, it kind of helped. I actually sat down and read some chapters out of Mao II by Don Delillo. You see that? I actually did homework! I actually like the book. It has so much imagery. You can see everything going on in the book. My only problem is that I don't understand whether anything is supposed to mean anything. Right now it just seems like I'm reading a story written for the sole purpose to be visual, just as our teacher suggested. It was actually kind of difficult to read during detention because the proctor was a bit too nice and was having this whole conversation with these two chicks. I was a little annoyed, but I figured it was ok to suffer a little bit. It was detention after all. The dude actually let us out early, so that was nice. I then went to go buy a soda, only to click the wrong button. I hate regular Coke. It doesn't have the same rush of sugar that's in Diet Coke. I NEED that. I wasn't about to waste my money, though, so I went along to catch my bus, sipping another dose of punishment for the day.

My art class at the local Community Art Center was actually pretty annoying. I sit next to these two twelve year olds, and they are SO annoying. They never have anything nice to say, and they play too much. I may just stop going. It's not like two classes is such a big deal anyway.

This month is going to be insane. I am booked to the max. I have that huge AP History paper/presentation to worry about, a paper to write on Dalí, and a helluva lot of cleaning and packing to do before I get up out of here. I think I may just go mad thinking about it instead of actually getting up to do something about it. Procrastination will be the death of me. And it's a wrap.

Euphoria

This weekend was absolutely fantastic. It's not like I really did anything super special, but it was just lots of fun. On Friday, Andrea was away on a trip with HI-Q, so Halo 2 Night didn't start at its usual time. I was BORED out of my wits and ran to phone the second I sensed the phone was for me. It was weird. I just knew the call was mine. Do you believe that children and mothers, lovers, and best friends share mental bonds?

So anyway she invited me over and I fled to her house. [Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani... that shit is bananas! XD] For some reason I don't remember much about Friday night... Euphoria tends to do really weird things with my memory. I'm trying to think... All that's coming to me is that Diego and Hua were running around outside. Oh wait... that was last weekend. But anyway, they started this whole competition between each other where they'd see who'd enter Andrea's house first, so they haven't been in her house together in a while. It was just a regular night I guess. Hmm... Some things are starting to come back a bit. So I remember we were eating pizza and watching parts of the Cirque du Soliel marathon on Bravo. That is SO amazing. Diego was eating pizza in the corner, and I told him he gained sexy points for being bilingual. He blushed. It was funny. And... that's all I remember of that night.

And then I left, knowing I had to wake up to another day with my friends. That is the best feeling in the world. I was glad to wake up early for once. I often waste so much of my weekend sleeping. It's kind of depressing. I really want to get out of that habit. So then I left the house about 10:30 and hopped into Diego's car, after delay. You know us girls - never on time.

So Andrea, Diego, and I drove to the WaWa (WTF) in Wallingford to meet Sunny so we could follow him to Chinatown. Sunny was driving Shingo and Hua. I was in the cool car. XP So we get onto the highway and Diego... he has this problem with speeding. We hear sirens behind us. We're a little confused at first, but we eventually pull over. SHIT. It is us the Police were after. Note that this was my first time being in a car that was pulled over, particularly on the highway. I wasn't so much scared as I was amused. First the guy asks Diego, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Calmly, Diego responded, "No, Sir, I don't." [Calm under pressure - sexy. XD] Gesturing with his head towards his car, the officer says, "Come with me. I'll show you." Diego was driving at 67.2 miles per hour AND was apparently driving too close to Sunny. The cop brings Diego back to the car and checks our seatbelts. I guess that was either luck or mistrust in my friend's driving skills, because I usually don't wear my seatbelt unless I'm told to. The policeman then commented on Diego's radar thingit. The cop pretty much laughed at him for having it because we already had done so much wrong and the cop was using a tracking device instead of radar to detect speed. He let us fly the coop, though. It was nice of him. But what I found annoying is that right as he stopped us, a red car flashed by. Buh.

When we finally got to Chinatown, we stopped at a Chinese supermarket. As we entered the store, I'd point out every Chinese Gangsta I could. "Hey Sunny, there's ya homie. Holla at ya boy!" I'd say. Andrea thought it was rude, or funny, or something. When all the shoppers recognized that a bunch of teens were entering the store, all eyes were on us. Oh wait... They were on me, actually. I suppose it's because I'm black. They were probably like, "WTF is she doing in here?" It was both amusing and upsetting. I adore you people! Why would you ever think I'd ever do you wrong? Look at my friends, they're Asian too! XD That was great. Andrea splurged and bought all of this random candy, most of which was Japanese. Pocky isn't as bad as I'd thought.

After that we went to a restaurant across the street from the supermarket and had this wondeful soup with noodles and... meat. I didn't realize that it had cilantro until I was halfway through. I HATE cilantro, but the soup did a good job of having me not notice it. It wasn't until I noticed it that it became very noticeable. Shingo was trying to show me how to eat with chopsticks. I was such a failure, so Sunny kept suggesting a fork. I refused to give up, though. I ate almost all of it, but I think my appetite has lowered. I haven't been eating enough lately, to the point where I get hunger pains during class. They hurt a helluva lot. I know it's not my little friend because when they began, it was too early in the month. Plus they feel very differently and aren't accompanied by the dinosaur in my stomach. Anyway... XD

So after we ate we went into the heart of Chinatown (in Sunny's car this time) and wandered around into bakeries and a bookstore. Diego ate a piece of a pastry off the ground. CHINATOWN, PHILLY GROUND. That was fucking disgusting. But he'll live. Chinese ground is probably cleaner than elsewhere in the city. So after all that, we left for Andrea's house. We played some Timesplitters, got MORE Wingers, played some Halo, and then went outside to play baseball in the drizzle. That is, if you call hitting a whiffle ball with a stick and running around a field the length of a body lying on the grass baseball. It was fun, and I didn't suck. I tried to pull Diego into the house, but I broke a nail and was distracted as he slid down the stairs. CRY AGONY! Andrea at some point tried to close all the people outside from out of the house and I was pushing against the door trying to get back in. She abruptly let the door go and I fell backwards into the house, in what felt like slow motion. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt except for my elbow. I knocked her down too, like a domino effect. In short, we busted our asses. We all eventually went inside again and played Scrabble and other random things. I never tell these stories in order, by the way. I don't ever remember things either. It works out in the end, though.

I love my friends so much. I really am going to miss them all. A good number of them will be in the area, as will I, come college, but Andrea... she is the glue to this group it seems. A lot of this weekend she and I were pretending that either Diego or Shingo was our best friend and not each other. I sat down and thought about how'd it be if that were real. I'd never know what it meant to have a best friend if that had happened. I really am going to miss her quite a bit. ;_;

Today was kind of fun too. We (ABC) went to Bob's studio. It wasn't as fun as it was in the past, and I can't sing, regardless of if people try to convince me of otherwise. I was going to try, but I just was out of it. This weekend I ate A LOT. Today I had half of a HUGE hero (err...hoagie), and then later we went to Red Lobster. Mmm... seafood.

It's over. But this weekend was just awesome. I'm so happy... I could cry.

Fit Fest Fun!

My legs are KILLING me. If I take a step, my calves start to throb. I think I actually shedded like five pounds today (ok, maybe two, or not) not that that matters. I don't really worry about my weight. Sure, I wouldn't mind being a bit more fit, but it's getting there that's hard. If I could just be more tone (not manly like - heck no) I'd be good. But it's not the first thing on my agenda, so... I apparently get thinner everytime I go home. But Moms, you know...

We (Kota y su novio, Alex) were playing DDR for about 8 hours straight, except we had to go around helping people, mostly (annoying) children. OMG CHILDREN. WTF?! I hate it when parents leave their children to freaking twirl around in circles like friggin' idiots, falling all over people and pissing them off. They can't even pay attention to the freaking game for a SECOND! I'm standing RIGHT in their ear, saying "PLEASE STAND BEHIND THE POLE!" And they all run in front of it like RETARDS. Excuse me for using that word. It is not a normal fixture in my vocabulary, I promise you. But yeh. So working with kids all day is not fun. Blessed be the teachers. According to Dave (my art teacher at the Community Art Center)I handle children very well. He was impressed. Yea, ok, thanks. But I can't tell you how many times I wanted to bop somebody. And OMG. People need to have better hygeine. We had those cheap, plastic, pads, that SUCK. Kota brought her Red Octane pads - those are freaking AMAZING. And she and her bf both play Heavy. They're pretty good, although I've seen better. *Rolls Eyes* I can see it coming now... But anyway, people were sweating and barefooted and they freaking STUNK. And then this one dude came up to talk to me and his breath smelled like PISS. I was pretending to scratch my back to cover my nose, and I was telling him how to play the game, and he, like, leaned forward and was like, "I can't hear you." I almost fell over and died. Thank goodness he didn't come back today like he said he would. (This event took place on Saturday and today, although today was more exciting because I actually got to play. RED OCTANE OMG!) Tsugaru is like beating in my head. And the people that set the place up had to be high or something. We were set up next to this thing called "Dance Place" and they had these blaring speakers on with music. You CANNOT play a musical game with other music on, especially if it means you can't hear what you're supposed to. So that was just dumb. And then today, this Asian guy... I have like this obsession with Asians (obviously moreso the guys than girls) and he was REALLY good. (Still not the BEST of the BEST. You know who you are.) He talked to my friends and I and told us like his WHOLE life story. Omigosh DRIFTING AWAY is in my head now. He was really nice, up from New Jersey. You know NJ folks don't have their own city. They live between NYC and Philly. It's kind of sad. But anyway, he first said to me, "Hey, I wanna play you." Kota, Dave and Alex, told me I was blushing like mad. I was just like, "Oh please." You could stare at me and I'll blush sometimes. (Especially if you have really pretty eyes... Omigosh. I first found out I was in love with hazel eyes in the 7th or maybe 8th grade. The one kid that had them though was not cool. He used to say something like "Riiight..." to everything, trying to be a smart ass.) But anyway, he played the game with us and then gave us his screen name and actually HUGGED us. It was awkward for me because I didn't expect it. I never expect it, but I guess some people are more cordial than others. NUMBER ONE - strangers don't hug. Maybe elsewhere, but not in America. He was Americanized though, so... It was sweet, but kinda freaked me out. Yea... I think my development has been delayed. This boy crazy stage was supposed to happen a long time ago, like 7th grade. But it was 6th grade that I finally began to realize that I had no real reason to loathe males at all. Now GIRLS on the other hand... No, but seriously, I used to HATE boys. I actually was pretty indifferent about girls. I was SO antisocial. I had, like, no friends. That's a lie. I miss 7th grade when I used to draw comics/stories for all my friends and pass them around. Somebody stole the very last episode of my series! I let someone borrow it to read just before graduation, and because I was as absent minded as I am now, I'd half sworn they'd given it back to me. I got over it, though. I should seriously go back to Queens, see if I can find any of my old friends. I have like, no friends in NY as of now. It may partially be my fault, but eh. I don't ever go out in NY. It's sad. *sigh* And that is me, writing through my train of thought. Ghost is in my head now.

So yes... I'm really happy with myself these days. I'm beginning to notice a lot of things changing me. I used to have such a thick shell, but it may well be transparent now. Ooh, ooh... quick rant... WTF is the deal with me attracting overly sensitive people (especially guys) as friends?! ARG! I hate it when people get mad at me for things I can't help. I am an ANDROID. I cannot LOVE. Not wholeheartedly, anyway. As I have said time again, Andrea, on an IRL scale, she has been the closest thing, which isn't saying much at all, because she's my best friend. That which is intangible is really not the same. People are so different face to face. WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?! This happens time and time again. I can get over it... I always do. And you? (This is about someone else.) Just give up... I'm not worth it. And the way I see it, nobody is.

"Failure's not flattering." NFG.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

WARNING: Leo

Sundays can be pretty dull sometimes, particularly on a gloomy, chilly kind of afternoon. Yesterday it was raining like hell. It was disgusting. I couldn't really go anywhere, not that there was much of any place to go. Goddamnit it started raining again. It's just a light drizzle, so it's not too bad yet.

That's one thing I've always hated about Spring. It's constantly wet. I think I ought to just keep my hair in braids during this season, because my hair puffing up is inevitable. The slightest bit of moisture in the air will ruin it, although it wasn't that straight to begin with. Sometimes it's a hit or miss. A lot of people seem to hate daylight savings time. I don't mind it too much. It's only an hour, really. But falling back is definitely a bit more convenient.

I've come to realize that although I am usually a very forgiving person, once I set you in my mind a certain way, it's hard for me to get you out of that mindset. I suppose that's how it is for everyone. But if you have done something that has scarred me in some way, and I am much more fragile than I like to admit, I tend to just want to forget about you. And I will look for every circumstance which vindicates my wanting to dismiss you from my life.

So offically, I am dateless in terms of the prom. Officially meaning I'm not sure what I should do yet. Thinking about the prom has brought back a lot of nostalgia which was formed based on last year. And here is a topic you (I am addressing one particular person when I say this) that you may resent me for. Your resentment, however, has created a chain of such, passing it onto me. For you to be angry about something you know nothing about - that really pissed me off. Yes. I'm talking about Leo. Leo was an exchange student from Osaka, Japan. I remember the very day we met him. He was sitting all alone in the cafeteria and Andii decided to ask him to join our table. From that day on, he was a fixture in our little circle of friends. To be perfectly honest, I had a crush on the boy, but hell, I've had a crush on a lot of people, often many at once. I'm not a player I just crush a lot. XD But I've never been one to act on my crushes. I am just very flirtatious in general. I have never done anything beyond words and that is just fine with me. It's so odd, but I've come to realize this - I enjoy flirting over a relationship. I am just too... sociable to attach myself to one person, I guess. But I've already explained myself on that matter, so anyway... Leo gathered a number of my male friends for his breakdancing. He was amazing at it. Only Shingo was really as good as he was, which is why he is the current, rightful heir. I think the breakdancing will die out after this year, though. It was built on a lot of current seniors, and the Asian pop'l seems to be dwindling in our school building. So yea. Every once in a while I'd visit the breakdancing group on the fourth floor, just to visit and to support my friends. Leo was just the nicest kid ever. And so it came up in a conversation one day that I was dateless. Andrea asked if I had anyone in mind and I shyly said, maybe. As my best friend, it was only natural that she knew who it was, although she had never really suspected before that point that I liked him. So she asked him for me, because I, for whatever reason could not bring myself to ask him. And he said yes. So he was my prom date. And I had a lot more fun than I'd thought I would. I absolutely adore my friends. And yes... now that prom approaches, I miss him...

So here I am again with prom in my midst. What ever shall I do? I'm not so sure I can take you. So much has been instilled within my mind about you that I can't shake. But if I do decline, what options do I have? I have yet to figure that out myself. But it'll come in time. I have two months to make up my mind. I shall address this matter further in email. Check it.

In other news, I can't wait for next weekend! I am booked, booked, booked! Friday is the talent show! More nostalgia for me! Shingo and crew will be performing their breakdancing gig. I have not watched them practice because of the emptiness that seems to linger without my good ol' buddy, but I'm sure it'll be great. My good buddy Cory will also be performing. It knocked my pants off when I found out that he could sing during the Seussical. Hmm... did I ever write about that? Originally for Friday, I was supposed to go to this really fancy restaurant, Buddhakan (or however the hell you spell it), with Kelly and her bf. But friends come first. Buddhakan was originally scheduled for Saturday, but then I had a convention to go to. Omigosh that is going to be so much fun. Basically, it's a fitness convention at the PA Convention Center. Dave, Kota, her boyfriend, and I will be demonstrating Dance Dance Revolution as a potential fitness tool from 2-6 and then damn near all day on Sunday. I may just pass out, either from overexertion or embarrassment, but I will have fun. And what about Buddhakan? Well, I was lucky enough to go there once, so if Kelly wishes to deny me of a second opportunity, then I'll live. And that's all.

I still haven't written about NYLC... some other time...

Day # 125

I have not touched this thing in a very long while. Such will probably remain as the truth since Blogger hasn't really been loading in Firefox, and I prefer it to Internet Explorer. I will probably wind up sinking into Wordpress or something once I get the new domain. It feels good to just start over fresh sometimes. It really does...

Spring Break was one lazy blur. I did absolutely nothing. I saw The Incredibles and Hackers. The Incredibles is definitely an incredible flick. I was almost urged to watch it again. And as for Hackers - "Well shit on me." That movie is SO funny. I also watched Bambi. It's one of the few classic classic (twice for emphasis) Disney films I actually like. My favorite part of the film is and always has been when the trio gets all twitterpated. Flower has always confused me, however. In the beginning of the film, it is just so easy to assume he's female. Yea... boring break. But I love my mommy. And solitude is a beautiful thing. And yet... lonesome. Do I have regrets to that which has passed since the last entry? I am young. I have little time for such things.

So cold... yes I know. Cold enough in fact to have my mother say something to me such as this: "You and your father, I swear, y'all don't know how to love or be loved." No, it was not in reference at all to the situation in the previous entry. My sister was molesting me, and I grumbled until I managed to drive her away. I don't like to be touched, especially not in a manner in which is meant to piss me off. But anyway, what struck me most with her saying that was that it is true. I am a freaking android. I am apathetic to the BONE. And whenever I do actually stop to feel something, later on, I always feel in a way, guilty - disgusted with myself. It's weird. I cannot handle intimacy.

Even people who barely know me have commented about my lack of emotion, or my so called fear of fun. It was during the National Youth Leadership Conference that a group of friends I made said, "Why don't you ever smile?" And when I finally did lighten up and do so, they felt the need to call me "Sunshine." I have never had a nickname before. I guess I have, but not a spellable one like everyone else. Short names just don't need nicknames.

I'll speak on the matter of the NYLC later. I keep saying that I will, but I just don't. With the midterm out of the way, I feel a lot more free. Now... 10+ pages on Germany... I'll deal with that in time. Now I want to get back to drawing. And a clean room...

Day # ? - Lagging...

Yes, I still have a bit of catching up to do in school, but my teachers are being rather generous in terms of giving me time. Right now, College Social Science Seminar (otherwise known as AP History) is giving me the biggest bit of hell in general. I have a midterm to study over the break and a term paper to keep in mind. It's all good, though. I'm getting a taste of the college experience on the academic scale instead of the social scale, as is what I've been getting for the last few years while living in this place. This place which I have no words for at the moment...

Lately, I have found solace only while in the presence of my best friend. It's funny, I thought I'd never have a person that significant in my life. And as I sit here thinking of the daily impact she has on me, I realize I only need one of her kind, at least for now. Best is a superlative after all, and thus there can really only truly be one who may have the title. I just don't have the room for much of anyone else at the moment. It's this I wish I'd realized before I threw myself into this trap they call a boyfriend. I know it sounds harsh, but the way I've been feeling on and off since August certainly cannot be summed up as happy. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep hoping that it's something else and that this feeling will go away. I'm just not meant to experience this type of relationship right now. It just can't work. And the fact is, I don't want it to. I find that though I occasionally long for what I see in the corners, or sometimes, unfortunately, in the open, of the corridors of my high school building, I know that at the end of the day, having that just wouldn't make me comfortable, make me happy, make me me. This thing has only been a burden from day one. I don't want the kind of expectations that come with the title of "Girlfriend". I am a much happier individual alone. I don't have to sucuumb to anyone's ideals of what I should be and what I should do. I can just be me, fancy free, FREE with a capital f. Maybe I haven't matured to that point, but what in this world really says that I have to? I have to do this, cut this binding feeling away. Though there could very well be other factors that have been keeping me down, I know from past experience that this is the big one. Society already has enough expectations of me, and thus I don't need another. This Spring Break is when I'll do it. It could be the worst time, especially considering his mental state lately, but mine must come first, however selfish that may sound. He must accept my friendship or forget me. It may just be easier to do the latter. I'm off to college and to the South, at least with what my parents have in mind. I don't need another thing to worry about. I won't rue the day we met, or even this experience, but I must move on. Life is an experiment after all, and some things are just not possible - they just don't work - so you log the results and begin anew. Of course there are other reasosn why this particular experiment has failed. I just don't feel like I should disclose them. After all, I am not completely sure of them myself. Life is a barrel of uncertainty - that's why there is the hypothesis.

Anyway, I'm done being all metaphorical and whatnot. It's over. I can't help but begin to feel better at the thought of that notion. The anger I shed towards you daily - that was self loathing. That was me saying, why did I do this to myself? The tears I shed every once in awhile for unapparent reasons, that was me searching inside myself for the reasons I felt like crap after long spans of this binding - it was an after effect of the self loathing. I don't know. This is me trying to make sense of things. Yesterday when I was at Dave's class, the slightest bit of laughter directed towards me triggered a fit of tears. Normally such things have no affect on me. Those little kids don't have half the talent I have just yet, I know. It could have been frustration, but such a thing is too small to cry over. And when I came to the dinner table and made a mistake, which for whatever reason was amusing to the others, I should have not been crying over that. It was build up. Once again I looked to sleep for peace and when I woke up, I knew what I had to do. I called my parents and told them how I felt. And through that I found the answer. I only hope you can be mature about what I have to do. If you ever really cared about me after all, you'll understand...

Next update, I have to talk about Washington. But I just had to get this out. Until next time, toodles.

Day # ? - Gotta Get Caught Up

Yea, I've been back from the National Youth Leadership Conference since Sunday, but I've got so much that I've got to catch up on that I don't have the time to write about my exciting experience. I definitely had a lot of fun. It taught me a lot about leadership and even a little more about myself, a mystery even to the girl in the mirror. Soon as I have the time, I'll give an in depth synopsis. I REALLY need to update this thing. This layout is making me sick again... If I just change the image, it should be fine. I also need to pin down a domain name. Every time I sit down to consider purchasing it, another idea comes up. That issue, however, is for another day. Toodles!

Shards of Self

Dear Lord, I am so tired. I have been up for the past week and a half updating this thing. I've fallen asleep during class a couple of times. The squirrels in the attic haven't helped either. I just can't sleep lately. Or maybe I don't want to. There is one class in particular that's been bugging me, College Social Science Seminar, also known as AP History. By the end of this month, I have to write a minimum ten page paper on the history of Germany. Now that I think about it, I have a paper on Dalí due mid May. My teachers are trying to kill me, I swear. But even through all the stress, I've been happy, which is really the most important thing. Still, I just want school to end. It's to the point where I actually dared to cut school one day. Me, Asia, of all people. Everyone who heard was shocked. I just really needed a break. So that Friday, the 29th of April, I went over to my best friend's house and hung out the whole day. The rest of our friends eventually came too. That was absolutely beautiful. Although, I did get caught. The 11th/12th grade dean comes to my fourth block class, Graphic Design and tells me that I have a detention to serve. Of course I was more honest than I needed to be, admitting that I'd skipped the entire day and not just fourth block, so one detention turned into four. Honesty, however, sets you free. I told Kelly, the resident director of my boarding home, and she was so much in shock that it didn't turn into anything. She was extremely happy that I told her instead of trying to plot and find a way out of it. So then I went to school today and negotiated with the dean. He agreed that because I was so honest, I could be cut a break. So now the detention is down to one. Well, I have to say I'd like to try (almost) everything once, and the experience certainly wasn't a negative one. It's been fun. Well, I've got some work to do, so I'll be going now. Thanks for visiting!

Day # 109

Wow, long time no write, eh? I haven't been busy, really, but I just haven't been able to focus the same way I used to. It could be a lack of sleep, maybe even water. I've been getting lots of dizzy spells lately, most likely due to dehyrdration. I've got a gallon sitting right next to me, but water is just so boring for me. Unless it's really hot or my mouth is very dry, like, say, after having to speak nonstop, I can't drink at the fast rate I need to get it down. I can never just sip it down - it's too dull. Hot damn, I hope I don't wind up in some hospital in D.C.

Yep, that's right, that's why I'm not going to be here, and why this update was rushed. I have to pack to leave for Washington tomorrow. I am going to be an attendee of the Congressional Youth Leadership Council. That tiny bit of excitement my father mangaged to put into me a few weeks ago has long gone. I have no interest in this stuff, and I am so uninformed about the kind of crap we'll have to talk about. But oh well, what can they do if cannot participate at the same rate as all the other kids? I hope they're not all like total brains, because I totally don't fit into that category, though I was once perceived that way. I'll chalk it all up to impeding (sp?)dehydration and shyness. That'll protect me. Egh.

I have so much I want to write about, but no time. I haven't written in a while, so there's so much to catch up on! Hopefully I'll remember on the 6th, when I return. I am dreading all the work I have to make up. Truly I am. Toodles.

Note to self: Pack light!

Day # 101

No more icecream. *cries* Why haven't Mummy and Duddy called me? I feel so loved. ¬_¬ I did talk to both of them earlier. Filing for financial aid can be such a pain in the ass. I'm seriously not having any children. XD ... Uhm. So Dad starts telling me all this stuff. Suddenly the Washington trip sounds like it could be fun, exciting even. I have to bring an evening gown. UGH. Good thing I'll be getting my hair done. Gotta keep it in good condition. Hopefully I shall SOCIALIZE too. Hopefully there'll be someone with similar interests! These people probably have money out the wazoo. It's not all about socializing, yea I know. Anyways, Dad was also telling me about Valentine's Day, how I'm making it too easy for you. Apparently my father is one of the few men to still give his spouse gifts, even after twenty years. That number is bigger than I thought it was. Apparently I ought to be spoiled, at least every once in a while. Apparently it is the male's duty and the thought process that someone will go through to get you something tells you a lot about a person. And what of a lady? I would love to hear father's commentary on that. They don't read this anymore. It kinda hurts. I guess they're busy though. Maybe they'll come back when I buy the domain. I have to let them know about that. It is an investment of sorts after all. I think once I talk to them about it, I'll go for the KMK deal. The Rocksta dude is totally not responding. But I won't say anything until the next layout is fully coded. I think I've already started to tire of it, though. I'll see.

Funny of the day: So Kathryn and Cory - they are basically the ultimate distraction for me during fourth block. I can't help it, I adore them, particularly when they're in a fair mood. At the end of class the funniest thing happened. Behind Kathryn there is a cut-out of people, you know, that kind of thing where you fold the paper and it creates a chain of whatever you cut it into, and it so happened to be out of black construction paper. So she rips down one and says something out of the movie "Roots." "'What's your name?' 'Kunta Kinte.'" It's the whole part where the slave master is attempting to whip him into accepting the name, "Toby Reynolds." I probably should have been offended, but I was more or less shocked into a fit of laughter. She appologized profusely, but I was laughing too hard to actually consider her appology. After seeing the parody that Dave Chappelle did off of that movie, I can't really take that movie as seriously anymore. LeVar Burton's face on the cover amuses me as well, especially considering the fact he was on Reading Rainbow once upon a time.

I should probably be more in touch with my culture. It is Black History month, don't you forget it. Trouble is though, our culture has been more or less beaten, stolen, raped, and everything else out of us. It takes us a lot more effort to trace ourselves back down to our deepest roots. It's harder for us to say oh I'm this that and the other thing. Essentially, our olive trees have been ripped out of the ground, hacked down, and distributed in books of history, coated with lies and untold secrets. While we are somewhat starting to plant new seeds, it takes very long for a tree to grow, especially after over one hundred years of damage to the soil. The olive tree is a reference to the book The Lexus and the Olive Tree, a book we're reading in my College Social Science Seminar AKA AP History class. I'm enjoying it so far. It's interesting to see how our world has changed and is continuing to change. This kind of history I like. It focuses on history on a global scale and not just on the US. US History is boring to me. There's so much about it that isn't true or fully put out there, because after all, we are the biggest "winners" out there. Bleh. Back to the roots thing, I'm interested in every other culture but my own for this reason most of all - it seems everyone else is in touch with their culture. Sure, ok, I'm African American, go study Africa, right? That just doesn't do it for me. I want to be able to be as precise as everyone else. But really, at the end of the day, I don't care really. It's because we must classify ourselves this way that many wars have been waged. We're all human beings in the end, so let's not hold it against each other that you're yellow, black, white, peach, or brown, 'kay? It's like the polar bear and the grizzly bear - practically the same animal, just from a different part of the world.

Intellectual rants are fun, assuming that's what all that was. But I best be off now. Good night.

Almost

I almost did it. I almost ordered the domain and space from KMK. I was going to just order the domain and get free space from Rocksta, but my patience is pretty short. The layout is pretty much done (just gotta code it) and I want it to be up before February 14th gets too far away. You'll see why when you see it.

I didn't hang up on you. I was talking and there was silence for like two minutes, so I handed the phone over to Shawnelle. The damn fool is cheating with the phone again. Apparently not with me though 'cause she knows I'd bust her a new one if she took it that far. Gotta fix that though. She's ridiculous with the phone.

Wednesday my school is having "Monochrome Day." I suggested that, actually. Feels good to have some power in student government. I hope people will actually do it, though. It'd be especially cool if people dressed in exotic colors. For whatever reason, I have a lot of white. Trouble is, this time of month and the color white are not good friends, if you know what I mean. I don't really want to wear all black, though. Actually... It depends on my hair. I would love to wear black eyeliner. I like the way it brings out my eyes. It's kind of difficult for me to apply eye makeup, though, because my eyes are really sensitive and I can't have something that close to my eyeball. I have all red, but I've done that before. Oh well. I'll find out when I get there.

I was supposed to go to Chinatown today to celebrate the Chinese New Year with the Int'l Club in my school, but I woke up too late to check the time we were supposed to be at the school. I guess deep down I didn't really want to go, though. It'd remind me too much of my buddy, probably your favorite person in the whole wide world. You know, it still bothers me that you felt the need to bring him up and couldn't tell me why you did so. I really was kind of offended when that happened. But anyway...

For whatever reason, I feel like shopping. Not here though, in New York. There's, like, nothing here, and it's harder to find bargains considering it's not easy to travel around this place. I don't know. I guess I need more springy stuff. I'm pretty sure most of my clothing is wintry and dull. I just don't care about fashion. I hardly ever care what I look like, either. The occasions when I do are VERY, VERY, rare, and often reserved to the smaller pictured, i.e., my hair, which is very fraile at the moment. I'm supposed to be going with Kelly to the Salon on Wednesday, I think, but I don't know how much sense that makes considering the fact that I want to go home. I don't really want to put the burden on my mom, though, and having to rely on her would mean I'd have to wait on her time to have my time and bleh. I need to call her. I would like my hair braided, though. It hasn't been done in a while and the last job was poor. Should have gone to Big Sis. Now I know. She probably needs the money more anyways, even though she wasn't asking for any.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I really don't like the holiday. As put well by a fellow Deviant Art member, you shouldn't need a day to tell someone, "I love you." Every waking moment you spend with that special someone should make them feel like they are special. I feel the holiday has lost sight of what it was created for. But then again, it is a Hallmark holiday. I don't know, I don't care. Happy Valentine's Day anyway. And remember, even if you're single, don't let the day depress you. Love for self is above all the most important thing. As Lucille Ball said, "Love yourself first and everything else falls into line." I actually like it better said as, "Love yourself first and others will follow," because I don't know much about "everything else." Notice how it's the confident people that go far. I don't mean be cocky, but at least have some self esteem. After all, how can you expect yourself to love another if you don't come to terms with the very first person you wake up to every day? I mean that on a conscious level, btw. You're obviously not going to be lying (laying?) next to yourself.

Well, it's about that time again. I napped at my host family's today, but still. I don't know how much time that was and I doubt it was enough. Finally the exterminator came by, so there are no squirrels scratching on the inside of my ceiling in the middle of the night. Sometimes, if I'm listening hard enough, I can hear the little kitties running around upstairs. I really ought to pay more attention to them. A companion is probably a good way to cheer one up, too. Not that I need that, for now. At this moment, I'm good. Could be the icecream. Good night!

The Weekend Sucks

You know it. It's so slow, and yet so fast at the same time. I don't want it to end for the sake of school, but if it means that I'll actually have something to do, to hell with it. AGH.

You know, I never put my boredom to good use. I just complain about it. Eat. Hardly ever anything constructive, though. I've got homework I could be doing, particularly an essay our teacher purposely assigned to be due on Senior Skip Day. And no, we can't email it to him. Ass. I could be cleaning my room. I could be doing quite a bit and yet, here I am.

I spent about two hours watching TV. It was a Michael Jackson special on VH1, about his "Secret Childhood." It's so sad, to think of the power that two conflicting worlds, that of fame in the secular enterainment industry and the strict religious background of Jehovah's Witnesses, can have. Really it is. It's such a shame.

So now, instead of ranting about anything else, I'm going to color something. I haven't used my tablet in a while and I might've forgotten how to use it. I haven't colored anything by hand in a while, either, which is a shame. I think that must be why I've been fiending for coloring books in a while. I just can't seem to find them lately, not any pretty ones anyway. "Make your own!" How about no?

Note to self: Those little stud earrings hurt like hell, especially my left ear. It feels kind of swollen, but I'm too lazy to get up and check.

Oh great... Just when I got some peace and quiet, someone comes in with the phone, loud as hell. Just what I needed... I need some new CDs!

Don't push me 'cause I'm close to the edge. I'm tryin' not to lose my head. It's like a jungle sometimes - it makes me wonder how I keep from going under.

Day # 98

So here I am, once again in Graphic Design. I have completed the Photoshop component of my project, so I must now vectorize it in Illustrator. That's not exciting. I mean, I love AI and would love to have it for myself, but EGH. I hate my projects. They are so not creative. But Independent Study is the SHIZNIT!

Anyway, today was a rather pleasant day. Only not. I was like one of seven people to actually dress up for this week's school sprit theme - Crazy Dress Day. Basically you wear the kind of stuff nobody wears and you get candy. SUCKY candy that is, probably the same candy they had for CHRISTMAS!

Second block was super duper long and I wanted to cry. Our teacher was giving us so many notes and he never writes on the board, so I had to listen to him and he talks REALLY fast. I am not an aural (as in audio?) learner. I need to SEE. I'm an artist, goddammit! He doesn't care. He just goes on and on and on.

So then I'm talking to my freshman buddies and Kathryn asks me to write on her pants. At first I drew an upward arrow that said "Cory was here," but that was kind of mean so I had to change it to Katryn. The letter h did not fit. Cory tried to snatch the marker from me and my drink (Minute Maid Fruit Punch) spilled all over the keyboard, onto my eskimo coat, the floor, and the kid next to me. Kathryn went into a panic and ran down the hallway to go get paper towels. Meanwhile, Cory and I had to slowly push away the monitor and the keyboard to keep the red sea from seeping in. After much delay, my brain finally clicked on and I ran next door to get paper towels. This kid named Issac is all like, "Why do I feel like I know you?" I ran out of the room and said, "Yes, you do know me Issac!" At that moment he couldn't understand why I knew his name and looked at me as if I were crazy. Way to get distracted. Finally I ran back to the GD lab and wiped up what I could, eventually needing to run back to the Ceramics/Photography room since I hadn't ripped off enough of the paper towels. Issac distracted me again and we talked about how he knew me, through Big Sis and his sister. Back into the room, but I still didn't grab the whole paper towel roll like a MORON. Kathryn thought ahead of me and brought it in, and finally, the red sea subsided. YAY!

For once in my life, I think I'm going to go try and do my homework AT HOME. I kinda have to do that for my history homework at least. Those damn 6th graders corrupted me. It was then that my homework habits started to slip. Anyways, I feel like such an idiot in that class. I am surrounded by all of these bright, politically driven people, people that will probably one day make a valid and useful contribution to the world. They are constantly debating and inserting their opinions while I seldom can offer nothing. Truth be told, I don't really care about any of this stuff. I probably really ought to, but the way I figure it, man has this drive to survive, to remain the dominant figure, like every other thing on this earth, and if that means plugging democracy and capitalism all over, that's what man's gonna do. It's inevitable, so why must I discuss it? I am not fit for such things, which is why I sit in the back of the classroom, doodling and admiring my intelligent classmates. Even though, I probably shouldn't equate intellgence with political interest... Anyway! I'm done for the night. I hope Dave is healthy tomorrow. I NEED MY ART DOSE!

All Better Now

Yay. Here are some natural highs for me. Note that none of them are in any particular order: hot and long showers, long and restful sleep, laughter, drawing, writing, COMPUTERS, and talking on the phone with you. Yay. As long as I get enough of those each day, I think I can keep this emotional rollercoaster I've been experiencing over the past few days in balance. I almost deleted the depressing entries again. But I decided not to. I probably don't share enough of myself, and maybe it'd be good for you to know how that side of me can feel. Don't take any of it to heart, though. None of it is your fault. In fact, these days, I need you. Thank you for everything, and for being you. I just wish you could be a little more of a happier person. I don't like to see you suffer. Good night, sweetie. <3

Day # 97

Still feeling kinda cruddy, but I guess I'm ok. In Graphic Design, I made friends with these two freshmen. Ew, freshmen, right? Eh, no. Age is just a number and I don't like those things. Not really, anyways. Beyond 1+2=3, they're pretty much useless. Of course I'm not entirely serious about that. So anyway, it's a girl and a boy. They kind of weird me out, which is probably why I enjoy conversing with them. They are very silly people, and in their presence, I can be a complete moron and not have to think about the weight that's hanging over me for the moment. I like that. They make me happy. I hate having to rely on others for that though.

In other news, my money was removed without prior permission. It was for a worthy cause, possibly lifesaving, so I allowed my desire to be pissed off to subside. It was weird though. I think I am officially going to have to start hiding my money now. I don't feel safe anymore. End.

The Gemini Kinda Sucks

So the newbie tutor, Autumn, knows all kinds of astrological crap, and she has this book, Sex Signs by some woman named Judith Bennet. Yea, so I'm also interested in Astrology so I'm reading through this book and looking through the past entry, damn near everything is true. Alot of the things I expressed in the past entry and even ones older than that (i.e. the fear of intimacy, enjoying the chase, bleh, bleh)were all in that book. Why is it that a book like that can tell us almost any and everything about ourselves? Are we doomed to fit these molds?

It's fascinating, really, kind of scary. I know not every one believes this stuff, but it's interesting that it holds true for many people. I think I'm going to have to copy the pages out of the book, for personal reference. It's good stuff.

All right, bed time. Let's hope that miraculously, I remember how to conjugate irregular spanish infinitives, 'kay?

Although she inwardly craves intimacy, the thought of it often stifles and suffocates her. She'll play at it, but don't expect "heaviness" from her. Of course I'm never going to have children, let alone settle down. EGH. I AM DOOMED.

...Why is it that teens date anyway?

Day # 96

Geez, man. Class at the CAC was canceled today. That really does suck. Mondays already serve up a crapload of misery, and then the one thing that keeps me going for most of the day is gone. Great, just great. I've got to wait until Thursday, now. Hopefully Dave gets better soon. One thing I truly hate about the Winter is that everyone has to get sick. I am among the fortunate to have either a better immune system or a smidget of the OCD when it comes to washing my hands and interacting with unhealthy persons.

Yesterday I had a pounding headache which didn't go away until I woke up this morning. Sleeping at the other end of the bed has very strange affects on my sleeping habits. Anyway, although I have been pretty healthy in the physical sense of the word, my mental condtion has been rather waverly. I haven't really been much of myself, and I become a bit of a recluse until I step foot out of this house. The instant I'm in again, unless I am so into whatever it is I am doing to entertain myself, I feel weighed down again. It's sickening, really. It sort of drags on into school too, unless, as previously stated, I am utterly distracted. I'm so bored sometimes, though, the only real solace I find is in sleep.

In a word, I have been a little depressed these days. I don't know why, but I've been examining everything as a possible cause, particularly certain relationships. Sometimes I feel so distant from my family, from a lot of people really. I'm starting to think that keeping myself from going home that 4 / 5 (if I participate in Senior Skip Day) day weekend wouldn't do me any good. Being pent up in this house is unhealthy.

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, to other people. Kathleen was telling me how this boy from my freshman year is totally different, how he denies ever being interested in me in the same manner that I do (As in, "What're you talking about? That never happened!"), how he's suddenly a "bad boy." It's funny, because he used to ask me, "Why don't you like me? You want a bad boy, don't you?" Though I wasn't really clear about my reasoning then, I know now that my freshman year, especially since it was one in a very different environment, away from home and family, and constantly surrounded by a new kind of people, I could not have ever been ready to accept his request. And besides, I was still very paranoid about boys then. Somehow, deep down, I think that's still the case. I find I've always been one to enjoy the chase, but not exactly the capture, when all the excitement is over. I see that I find boys more interesting as a spectacle to be viewed from afar (i.e., out of the binding agreement that is the relationship.) Being the one chased down is not exactly fun either, especially when the interest is out of balance. There have been a number of crazy boys to have ever liked me long before I was interested in guys. What they saw in me then is definitely unfathomable. Now, I guess I'm ok, but, you still have to be crazy or be looking for something totally off of my personal agenda. But after much contemplation in this depressed state, I'm wondering if relationships in their entirety should be removed. I don't mean friendship and interaction with people, but you know, that kind.

This is the same thing that happened as expressed in an entry written November 8th, 2004. I removed it (though I still have it in draft form), hoping the feelings would pass, and sure enough, they did, eventually. But every now and then, they return. I was reading something on my guidance counselor's board last week, and it mentioned how depression rates are increasing at an alarming rate on college campuses. Though the article was probably fairly old, it has yet to be rendered false. At the very end of the article, it said something about bipolar depression, something like how someone only experiences the extremes - either they are really happy or really sad. Sometimes I feel that way, although most of the time I feel stuck somewhere in between - apathy. It could all be in my head. I really do need to get my hands on some comfort food soon or I may just go MAD. Gelatos are delicious, btw.

Speaking of which, my AA and I went to see a ballet on Sunday, the main feature being "Nine Sinatra Songs." The other two features were 11:11 and something about Waltzs. Male ballerinas are rather amusing. Talk about immaturity.

Know that it hasn't only been you in tears. I've been going through some shit too.

Artichokes are just like, BLAH. Like stringed beans.

I cut myself today. I didn't even notice it for a while, though. I really should not be allowed to cook. I am just too much of a freaking klutz.

This entry is pretty darn random. In other news, before I close this one out, layout progress is steady. I just need to create a main image. At first each page was going to load a new image, sort of like, Celesse's site, but without the magic of tables, but I find I don't have the patience to do that, especially considering the theme for the upcoming layout. I hate Valentine's Day. Peace out.