My goodness. You know that dropping sensation you get in your gut when something bad happens? Well, it's not all THAT bad, but supposedly his mama called and is complaining about her bill and banning me from calling or something. AGH. Run away. But maybe this is a sign of... something. Maybe I'd been asking for a break all along. But what the heck is wrong with me that I feel stifled by something so far away? What the hell do I need a break from? Maybe it's anxiety. Whatever it is, it needs to get out of my system. I can't stay like this for long. Whatever this is, it's not happy or healthy. I haven't felt much like myself for some time now. Something is weighing me down. It all could be what's making feel so exhausted these days. It's not the kind of tired from staying up until the wee hours of the morning, but something that's affecting me on a more mental level than anything else. I feel like I have this huge negative aura following me around. As much as I try to smile and laugh it away, it clings onto me. And what's worse, when I get on the phone, it binds even tighter. WTF is that? One of the very things that served as sustenance earlier this year is now some sort of hindrance. I'm pretty sure I still like him but... this is really messed up. It's not even like I see him everyday. Maybe it's something else. Maybe it's the fact that when I'm talking to him, I know I'm not going to see him anytime soon. Maybe it's his disposition. Or mine. Maybe it has nothing to do with him at all! Maybe it's just senior year in general and having all the shit I need to do at the back of my mind. ... I need some sort of therapy. This is driving me crazy. I just need to get all of this off of my mind. I'm sorry. I'm such an ass. Maybe I am meant to be alone... Don't take that personally. Don't take any of this personally. I just need to think things through. There's just too much in the way for me to be able to do that. Now don't go passing any judgements either. I didn't say anything was anything yet. Unless... It's up to you too you know.
I might be going to bed earlier tonight. I'm feeling sick. That sinking feeling has risen to my chest. And no, I don't get heartburn, and I probably won't, especially if I haven't eaten much. Peace out.
