Sunday, December 26, 2004

Happy Holidays!

Ok, so I'm home now. Here are some things I need to do:
  • Read Song of Solomon for English
  • File Financial Information

Fun stuff indeed. I can't remember them exactly, but I keep having these bad dreams of being denied by BMC. Is that a sign that it means that much to me to get in? I really don't know what would happen if I didn't. I probably would cry about it. Imagine me taking a year off. Not gonna happen. Even within a time span so short as the Winter Break, my brain starts to decay. I worry alot when I'm idle for periods of time, yet I do nothing to get over it, like for example, the things I've got to do (i.e. the above). I am the ultimate procrastinator. It's really rare that I get the drive to do what I need to internally. It takes an awful lot of nagging. That's bad. Come college, I won't have much of anyone breathing by my back. Hopefully I'll be so engaged, it won't really matter. I find I don't like seeing what's coming for me. I like to stare out of the back windows.

So anyway, Christmas is long past. These sort of things, holidays to be precise, slowly start to lose their meaning. I've started to realize how everything has become so commercial. Once you learn the true value of material things, most holidays are just another day on the calendar that someone else you don't know, and more often than not, care about, mandated as important. I think I'm done ranting for now.

Yesterday was a very strange Christmas. It was kinda short, but still had that magical kind of feel. Of course, it had nothing to do with the gifts. Just being around the ones you love, and/or are starting to love, is loads of fun. Xmas Eve, we (my sister, my mother, Noah, and I) went last minute shopping. Except for dodging a mass of some of America's rudest people in the bitter cold (which I didn't feel much thanks to my massive coat), it was fun. After it was all done, we stopped in Mickey D's to munch. This crazy old lady comes to our table and gives us this whole spiel about marriage and whatnot. For whatever reason in the world, she thought that my sister was my daughter, and that Noah was my husband. The fact that my mother was seated at the table did not seem to occur to her. That was the oddest thing in the world. I felt much better once she walked away. Odd, but interesting. That day altogether was a great experience, though, because my mother gained a greater respect for the boy. If she's comfortable about him, I'm more comfortable about him. But about Dad... that, I fear, will never change. Patriarchal instinct is far more stubborn than the matriarchal it seems.

Christmas day, about fiveish, Noah and I took a hike. We went to 42nd street to an arcade place. He felt the need to, once again, show off his amazing DDR skills, as if I hadn't gotten wind of them the first time. I truly despise playing that game in public. It makes me nervous, like many things. And OMG. He beat me at air hockey! That is a sin. So after that, after running from the WAY overcrowded AMC and Lowes theaters on 42nd, we went to a Lowes theater on 86th street (?) to see Blade: Trinity. It wasn't as bad as I'd thought it was going to be. Ryan Reynolds was in the movie, the comic relief character. Now that I think about it, he was in Van Wilder! Amazing, the difference a beard and a little makeup can make. I dunno whether I like that one better. I do believe it was a tad funnier, though. Surprisingly enough, Jessica Biel's role was kind of weak. I don't feel like she played a memorable role in the movie. YAR. After that, we went to a Chinese Restaurant. Now most chicks are like, I wanna go somewhere classy. That doesn't really happen that often with me. What's the point? It should be you that's making me happy, not the food. This all sort of goes back to the material possessions deal.

Note: This entry was interrupted, but I did not wish to discard it nor edit it. Therefore, it is presented to you today (01-03-05), as it was before this day. Whether everything within it remains true is another story. Enjoy.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Day # 71

Kinda drained. I could not get to sleep until three last night, and I haven't got the slightest clue why. [/end sarcasm] I have to pack, I have to shop, I have to finish this application. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Andrea took me out to lunch today. With her friend Ben, who I call Super Man. He just sorta reminds me of the dude from Smallville. Only MUCH taller. And skinnier. We went to Cheng Heng. Egg Foo Young is yummy. Greasy, but yummy. Especially fresh out of the kitchen. I'm going to miss her so much. If no one else from SHHS, I'm going to miss her so much.

I'm starting to feel kind of queasy. I need to stop slacking, so I'm going to end this now. Good night.

WTFH

Ok. Ok. Ok. My heart is racing right now. It could be the music. It could be the gallons of caffeine that I've consumed today. (Yes I'm exagerrating but since I don't have any that often, it feels like I've had that much.) Or it could be the fact that for the first time in my life, I've discovered that someone I care about has suicidal tendencies. This is something I joke about everyday. When I'm under stress, alot of the time, I'll say something stupid like, "Ok, I'm going to jump off of the roof now!" It's only a joke. It's never even crossed my mind to ever do something to hurt myself. Whether it's by God's hand or some other higher power or not, I have been placed here for some reason (I hope?), though I have yet to understand what that is. (Ugh, don't get me started on religion. Not that I'm an athiest.) For me to just give up or ever think to would be disgraceful. But wait, now that I think about it, someone I know has been through this before. I witnessed it almost first hand. I kind of displaced it from my mind. That's just one of this world's realities that I just don't understand. Sure, you can have a miserable life, but... this thing... it's like it's some sort of fad. Face the facts, your life can't be that bad. I mean c'mon! You have clothes on your back, a roof over your head, sufficient food and water (that you really don't take advantage of), a healthy body (that you're destroying), and if not anyone who loves you, someone who cares about you (Hello?). So you don't like your mother. You don't like your siblings, your father, your cousin, or your "friends", and sadly, though I can't possibly understand why, you don't like yourself. Ok, fine. Apparently I can't do anything to convince you otherwise. You like me. There is something in your life to look forward to, unless you've been lying. How can you say you love me if you would dare think of denying me of you? Maybe you don't know what it really is about. Maybe becase you've been denied of it for so long. Maybe I'm going to worsen things. But I'm sorry. I just want you to know that I care. I guess I knew all along. I wondered, but I suppose I repressed the thought. I don't know what to do with this type of thing. Why would you do that? Why? ... Good night. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Five

WOW. Can you believe it? There are about five days until Christmas. That, is both good and bad. Good because I seriously need a break from school. Actually, school hasn't been all that bad, or difficult, but I just want to get away. It's a bad thing, however, because I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY GIFTS YET. Frankly, there isn't much time to, either. I have the general gist of what I want to get MOST of the (approximately 10) people on my nice (and in range - both in terms of $ and distance) list. The trouble is time. I am going insane here.

Good news is that college applications are almost done. I just have to tweak a supplement to get it to fit for another, check if I should make the effort to apply to a certain place whose standardized testing requirements are currently out of my range, get my application fee waivers settled, and make sure that my ACT scores get sent out. I THINK that's at least at this moment in time.

Over break I have to handle financial information. Fun stuff.

Uhm... I lost the direction of this entry. I need to go finish that supplement. And stuff. So... off I go.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Day # 68

Bleh... Nothing much happened today. REALLY got to get these essays done. Still haven't gone XMAS shopping. UGH. I hate how everything is so commercial. Uh... I think I ought to go to bed now. I'm kind of tired. Well, not quite. I just don't have a reason to be up. I miss late night convos. ;_; Well then, good night.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Day # 67

It's nice to be able to leave school early, to have lunch with your best friend, even if you're leaving school for something you don't quite feel you have the guts to do and if her table is full of... weirdos to say the least. But I didn't feel uncomfortable around them, so I guess that makes me a weirdo too. Yay.

So the interview went swell. I saw Peaches, one of the admissions officers there. She is so nice. She was, like, extemely excited about the fact that I was there having this interview. She said, "OMG you have to come here!" about fifty times. She told me about how she was arguing (not literally) with the Haverford admissions dude (he disturbs me) about whether I'd come to Haverford or Bryn. Do you know how good it feels to be wanted?

Let me tell you about something that doesn't feel good - wearing "a power suit," as Peaches called it. It wasn't really the fact that I was wearing a suit that bothered me - it was the fact that number one, my pants weren't as long as I'd like them to be, number two, there was a run in the toe of stocking that you could see, and number three, shoulder pads. I absolutely DESPISE shoulder pads. They make the shoulders so... masculine. Didn't that gig go out of style forever ago? I was eating a peppermint that'd been on the table with all the information pamphlets when the interview began and I hope that didn't screw anything up. But I was comfortable, for the most part, with minor stutters and... whatnot. I think I did well.

So yea, I have to get back up on this application gig. It needs to be done, now. I'd be SO happy if I could just do the BMC app. I really would. It'd be ALL over. It could have been over a long time ago, but I allowed indecision to get the best of me. Geez.

Ok, I'm going to go to bed now. I was just thinking - I haven't been on AIM for forever. Good that I'm close to straightening out my priorities - bad that I have commited myself to some things and haven't taken them up yet. Well, good night. Goal for tomorrow - FINISH ALL OF THE BMC APP.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Day # 66

I abhor this feeling. Pressure builds in the pit of my stomach and it's like an ulcer is forming for every decibel that I have to raise my voice. Anger can be just as painful as sadness. And when the two are frolicking hand in hand within your mind, it's not exactly a good thing. These negative emotions - they are viral. They claim everything about you so easily - your memory, your youth, your health - and the positive ones so readily fade. These negative emotions - they corrupt even the positive ones, turning an object of happiness into another obstacle. What is it about the bad things that they have so much power over us?

NO. I'm not depressed. Just pissed. I finally get to talk to him and... I'm done talking about it. The longer I dwell on the fact, the more my chest hurts. She pisses me off so much sometimes. Yet something in her nature, or rather mine, allows me to forgive her. Have you ever wanted to hold a grudge so badly, but you can't?

So tomorrow I have an interview at Bryn Mawr. WHOOPEE. I am nervous beyond description. I guess there's nothing to it but to do it and to just be myself. The confident version, I mean, the one who can push her worries aside and just go for the goal. I've forgotten what she looks like, however...

Music for a while now has become a healing element. I guess it's like that for everyone who's passionate about it in one way or another. Imagine... if I'd still been listening to lots of Hip Hop. Sometimes I feel that this Rock thing has played a major role in my development. How it's changed me I have yet to understand.

Well... I'm off for the night. I was feeling kind of sleepy in school today. I actually did sleep for a number of seconds during third block. Then I got wrapped up in this whole conversation. Ok. Maybe I'm not done. But anyway, there's this weird kid in that class, the Student Council President (amazing how diverse that gig has been since I've been here). I think he likes me or something. If I recall correctly, he did at one point, but I'd thought they'd been talking about some kid named Lucky and not Less... however the hell you spell his name. I dunno. That whole deal bothers me, when people randomly start to give me attention - even by way of a simple hello. It freaks me out. I'm not used to it. You'd think I'd be by now... Ah, that reminds me of something, more Greatest Hits albums! 311. Creed. Yes, I enjoy a Christian band. Uhm... Evanescence is VERY Christian if you ask me. I mean C'MON. The record label, Wind Up, is full of Christian bands, 12 Stones for example. Chevelle... I can definitely see that. Hmm... nifty site of the day: Song Meanings. Enjoy and good night.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

I'm Back! ...Almost

Please note that updates to the site shall no longer appear here. They will be found in the box above.

So stressing over the layout aside, everything's pretty good. Er... Last night (more like Friday night now since its past midnight,) we all went on a house trip to Dave and Buster's. It's this random bar / grill / arcade place down in Philly near Penn's Landing. I loved it. 'Cept for all the drunkards, smokers, DDR wannabe hoggers, and little kids. I mostly played the claw game. I'm pretty good at that game if I do say so myself, especially after a few practice rounds. I won a cute little frog prince stuffed animal which holds a heart that says "Kiss Me," and two watches, one pink, one silver. I played a bunch of games of House of the Dead 2 with Kelly and then she basically forced me to play some random DDR wannabe with her. I scored a B the first time, but we sucked too much during the second round to continue to the next level. Apparently I'm good at that game. Riiight... Kelly basically had to beg me to play - I was feeling nervous about the crowd that was starting to gather around the game. Yet, after maybe a few screw-ups, I decided to force their existance out of my head and just play. That was fun. When we got back into the house, I went to bed.

ACTs in the morning! No more standardized testing. Yay. How do I think I did? Uhm... My math speeds suck. I feel like I might've improved on the verbal, though. And the science section? I HATE it. That's the only thing I don't like about the ACT. Everything seemed to be pretty easy, even in the beginning of the math section, but as soon as I got to the science section, I was just like WTF. The testing environment was much quieter this time and I had a HUGE desk, so I'm pretty confident I've gotten a higher score this time. Except... I didn't study. Too much college stuff.

So yea, after the ACTs, my AA dropped me off. I slept for a long time instead of doing my chore, and after that, she came to pick me up so I could work on random Common Application things. Not fun. Have to do that some more tomorrow. Unfortunately, we're taking pictures tomorrow and decorating the tree. Although there is egg nog involved, I really don't feel much like doing it. Or anything actually. I'll be SO happy when break starts, provided everything is done. Everything HAS to be done. I absolutely cannot be working during break. Unless one of my teachers plans to suck and gives us work. There's always one at least.

I think I was Scrooge at one point. The holiday season tends to bug me. It's not that I don't like to give, it's just that it's so hard to decide WHAT to give. EGH.

Latest in music, I got Audioslave - Audioslave, Chevelle - Wonder What's Next, Green Day - International Superhits, and Red Hot Chili Peppers - Greatest Hits. It's weird to get two hits albums. I haven't listened to Green Day's much. After a couple of songs, his voice tends to irk me. Then he never alters his singing. It's all like the same tone. The latest Green Day CD defintely shows improvements in that department, at least from what I've heard of it. They still kinda suck, though. I need VARIETY from my music, especially if I can't make a mix. The shuffe button is never enough. So anyways, I found out that I love RHCP, and I might just backtrack on their career, at least to get What Hits?! and By the Way. I MUST have the Zephyr Song and Can't Stop. As for Audioslave, I was already familiar with all the tracks. Janine, an old tutor here (who I miss so much) once gave me a copy that a friend of hers had given her. Whoo... that's a mouthful. Anyway, it wasn't exactly in the greatest condition and it didn't take much time for it to conk out, especially on my favorite track, # 13, Getaway Car. So I had to have another copy for myself. Erm... Chevelle's CD actually surprised me. When I first bought it, I was under the impression that I'd only like the three main hit tracks, Send the Pain Below, Closure, and The Red, mostly because the screaming deal tends to bug me after a while. After experimenting with it on the bus in the mornings, I found that I love pretty much every track. If I had to pick a favorite off the top of my head, I guess I'd pick #2, Comfortable Liar. Supposedly Forfeit was a big hit, but I'd never heard of it. I think I'll get their latest album. I already like Vitamin R.

Oh and on Friday, before we went to Dave and Buster's I got really pissed because - guess what - I broke my headphones, the ones that came with my beloved CD player. All it took was a little bit too much yanking. The cord was too short to plug the headphones into the back of the computer and listen to music, so when I came up too fast, it yanked and I put a short in it. Dammit. So Shemika and I ran over to Springfield to get some at Sam Goody's. They had a 3 type deal by Colby. A waste, sort of, but eh. Nifty. How nice of me to break the headphones right before XMAS when I'll probably wind up with new ones anyway. It never fails. New possessions tend to complicate things I've noticed...

Yea, So I think I've about had it with this writing for the night. My left hand is starting to cramp up. I really ought to learn to type the right way, even though I type quickly enough this way. Oh well. Good night.

Wednesday, December 1, 2004

Hollow and Alone

...

<< Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park >>

When this began - I had nothing to say and I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused - And I let it all out to find that I'm not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me - But all the vacancy the words revealed is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose - Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own...
I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything 'til I break away from me
I will break away - I'll find myself today...

Some lyrics. Yea. This - I think it'll be my last entry for a while. Good night and another patch of lyrics.

Where I go I just don't know
I've got to got to gotta take it slow
When I find my peace of mind
I'm gonna give you some of my good time

Mama Said Don't Talk to Strangers

...

Seriously though, who's actually reading this thing? Be honest, please. Just leave a little comment. SAY HELLO! Thanks. Now, I'm off to attempt to work on my essay(s). Or at least to get a head start on my homework. I have to find the willpower to keep myself off this box. I waste so much time on it these days. Pfft. 'Kay, bye!

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Numb

...

<< She - Green Day >>

I suddenly realize how much I can relate to that song...

Uhm... I can't do anything. Stress to the max. I feel like some sort of empty shell. I'm just here to uphold all these expectations, all of which I don't want to fulfill. Let me guess... I won't hear from you for a while. Ever? Was I that evil? But what is that supposed to mean? I was thinking of all this mistrust coming from my parents this past break. And I realize... I have plenty of it too. Yea, that's right. I don't trust you. I don't trust a lot of people. Unless I know them. You know what that means, right? I don't know you. And yes, I have been pushing you away. Does that mean I don't want to get to know you? No, that's definitely not the case. It's just that at this point - when it comes down to these situations - I don't know myself. That doesn't make sense, does it? Yes, I know I'm itchy in these situations. I know I can't handle them properly. I don't know how to. I feel like I'm constantly wallowing in paranoia. What I don't know about myself is why. Why can't I just dismiss it if it makes me so miserable? I've been told that I'm too trusting, too guillable for certain things. What about being too mistrusting? Maybe I'm not REALLY all that mature. I am such a child when it comes to these matters. And yet... not? I was thinking of that psychologist person they had us seeing my sophmore year. I thought it was a huge joke but - we all need a little psychiatric help sometimes because we're all a little crazy. I just need to talk to someone. And it can't be you. And unfortunately, this thing isn't working. Eh.

Oh well. I'm sick of talking. Maybe my buddy will make me feel better. Tomorrow. If she's there. G'nite.

Mean Girl

Ok. Here's a warning, in case you care. The site may not be updated within the next few days for a number of reasons:

  1. College, college, college, college, college.
  2. Catching up on school work.
  3. I'm sick of this layout and am working on another.
  4. I'm helping someone else with a layout.

There ya go. If I do write, you got lucky.

So break is over. As I said before, I hate the shorter breaks. It's harder for me to accept going away. Yea, I may put on this facade that I don't care about this thing, but I do. It's gotten worse with each year, actually. As the end draws near, I become a recluse. I pretty much shut everyone out until I get over it. How long that takes varies. But thanks to certain folks, I feel better. You know what... never mind. I keep thinking about the conversation I had in the car with Brad when he dropped us all off one by one after homecoming. Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm just crazy. Or... nah.

Anyway, as uneventful as breaks may be, they still mean a lot to me. My sister and I stayed up one night to watch Mean Girls together. Then later Mom joined us to watch White Chicks. We all kind of fell asleep on it, though, mostly because it was late. Hmm... Dad doesn't join in enough. It seems he excludes himself sometimes.

Well, I haven't got much of a will to write anymore. I was being a total bitch all weekend. PMS is a POWERFUL thing. As is homesickness. Among other things. G'nite.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Happy Thanksgiving

...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! So I'm home. I hate when the breaks are short like this. It's such a teaser. Right now - my head hurts. I tried starting an essay earlier, but I failed miserably. I am ALL alone. I could be out right now, but I'm too afraid to ask for permission. Eee. I am SO mean. I DID warn you, though. Forgive me?

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let It Go

Latest affiliate, Kirstie added! Also, sadly, another one was taken off. Her site has been down for some time now. Hopefully those three will get back to me eventually. Other affiliate links have finally been updated as well.

I haven't got the slightest clue why, but that song has been running through my head. Anyway, I was talking with my mums and dad and I think it is just so... I dunno what to call it, but they have all these misconceptions about him. It's like they're trying to find every reason to mistrust him. I know it's only because they care, but WOW.

So my traveling plans are settled and I am finally over the Friday essay thing. I just feel bad about having asked my teachers. Eh. I have no clue how much money to bring. Taking a whole Benji seems likes an overload. Maybe half is good. I dunno. I need about 30 bucks for transportation (probably more) and then I wanted to go shopping with my sister. Can't do much with 20 bucks these days, unfortunately. I ought to spoil her, though. I'm so mean to her sometimes. My tone on the phone with her at times is so disgusting. But she still loves me, and for that I am beyond thankful. <3

Well, I'm off to check up on the laundry. I still have to pack and as I do so, the statistics test I have to take tomorrow shall plague my mind. Eee. Nighty!

Cry

...

Uhm... Now I'm almost completely convinced that this Friday gig is not going to happen. It just can't. My parents have added two more essays to my agenda for something over the summer in Washington. Is it really due so soon or is someone trying to kill me? My heart sank, just a little. It doesn't bother me much to be locked up in the house for the whole break, after all, in years past, that has pretty much been the deal, voluntarily. I'm a homebody. But three essays? No way. This is not going to be much of a break at all I reckon.

I feel bad now, not because of the house thing, because now there are other people's feelings to consider. (I'm never specific because you ought to know who you are.) I know I can't make that into a big deal without being scorned. So it can't be a big deal. You'll just have to... deal with it. Sorry. I did warn you where academics place on my agenda. I'm not saying it's all off, but it pretty much could be. ;_;

Day # 54

I have a feeling that the December layout shall be delayed and/or completely different from what I'd planned. I found some other ways to challenge myself besides the centering project - mostly PHP stuff. As for the theme, I wanted to do something dark, to represent the coming of winter. The fact that the layout would be dark wouldn't have much to do with my dislike of the season, but how much I think the different seasons each represent different ranges of emotions. Or something. Winter I associate with sadness. Not that I'm sad at the moment.

Just horribly busy, crazed with the thought of completing a college app within less than three days. Geebus. I've gotten some of the other gears to start moving, though the most important one has barely begun to turn. I've already done this essay so many times in some shape or form, so why am I feeling like it's going to be so difficult? I guess I need to stop thinking about it and just get it over with. There's nothing to it but to do it, eh?

Then, there are other things in the way. Laundry, packing, studying for a statistics test, settling my transportation plans, etc. Obviously, at the moment, I am wasting plenty of precious time. And so, given that, I shall end this entry. I may or may not be back for further reports later tonight. Until next time, buh bye!

Monday, November 22, 2004

Day # 53

Occasionally, after I read an older entries and find something interesting I've said, I get a new idea for another layout. Note to self - see second to last line in previous entry. Also, newest affiliate will be added soon.

Sometimes when I look back on all my whiney, bitchy, ranting entries, I just wanna delete them all. However, that would create a false image of perfection. Everyone has their bad days, and for me to ignore them would be wrong. Besides, writing about them always gets me thinking about all the stupid things I do. It allows me to reflect and at least make a personal effort to change. I try to write from my heart and not so much from my head (which explains grammar issues and all the things I'd never say). That way, I discover things about myself I didn't even know. Or at least, didn't understand enough to place into vocal words. This thing is a tool. I love technology.

Speaking of which, we read a very interesting article during English today. It was mostly about the near imperceptible impacts of new technology. The author gave the example of the clock, how it was originally created to allow the monks perform daily rituals in a timely, accurate manner, and how it became a tool to control the actions of men. It's funny, almost everything we've done in that class has somehow related back to The Matrix, at least in my mind. Do we control the machines or do they control us? I like movies that get me to think about the future, like A.I.: Artificial Intelligence, I, Robot, etc. Anyway, it mentioned some greek guy, a king of some sort, Thamus, who had an inventor, Theuth I think his name was, come to him with his inventions for... inspections of sorts. One that Theuth came up with was writing. Good old writing. Thamus went on to mention the downfalls of writing - that it would change what we perceived as knowledge, the way our memories functioned, etc. The author, Postman, I think, went on to say that technology creates two groups - of losers and winners. That those competent in using these technologies would be seen as wise while they could be complete idiots. Yea, I won't bore you any further, regardless of how interesting I thought it was. I did a little searching and the article is from a book called Technopoly: The Surrender of Culture to Technology by Neil Postman. The article I made reference to above is called The Judgement of Thamus. I belive it is from the very beginning of the book. Wow... my memory does function.

Uhm... I got a startling offer today. How much do you want to bet that I can write a competent essay and complete an entire college application and CSS profile by Friday? My faith is fleeting. I think I've given up by now. But as Carol said, it wouldn't hurt to start anyways, regardless of how far along I get. It has to be finished eventually.

Uhm.. I'm a little tired. I realized that through all my ranting yesterday, I forgot to write much about my weekend. Friday into Saturday, I spent the night at Andrea's. We read manga aloud together (mostly me since I hadn't read it yet) , only to discover that it is impossible for me to read aloud without sounding like an illiterate moron. And yet, I offer to read during class. Maybe it was the silly voices I was trying to read in, or the face that book was right to left. Anyways, I slept soundly and for once in my life, I remembered a dream. Again... meaningless and yet nostalgic. I was on the stoop of my old home in Queens. The day was kind of grey, though I'm not sure it was raining. For whatever reason in the world, Brandon Boyd, the lead of the band Incubus was walking past my house, umbrella in hand, and I shouted something like "Mr. Boyd, can I have your autograph?" He nodded... or something, and I asked the neighbors next door (their house was dark and weird) for a slip of paper and a pen. I turned around and Mr. Boyd was gone. So I ran up the block until I came to this highway sort of area that had tons of people walking all over the place. It was kind of like a futuristic New York... though I can't remember the buildings. I finally gave up and stopped, Andii running towards me, smiling like she always does. Then, it was over. WTF does any of that mean? Well - maybe they don't mean much. It is human nature to analyze everything that has us thinking otherwise. The setting was recurring, as it is in most of my dreams. I remember the last dream in that setting being at night, though. Or something like it. It's all so very weird.

Well, I think I ought to be heading to bed now. G'nite.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Barf

...

Great titles these days, huh? Yea. I am stuffed. We had our little pre Thanksgiving tonight. I made collard greens, as I did last year. Seemed that they were missing something. Mama knows best.

After dinner, the fun part is always cleaning up. I was writing an email, arguing with a fellow ABC student about interracial relations and whatnot. I was in a bad mood first of all, mostly because of his pessimistic views, and partly because I was feeling lazy and fat. Feeling lazy and fat is only good if you get to sleep it off. But then the head RD comes to ask me to do something. It was a general sort of thing. I kinda kept typing and ignored her. Sure, rude, ok. But this whole deal of yes and no... I feel if anyone is worthy of my respect 24/7 it is my parents, that extending to my grandmother. Oh SURE, you're the adult, strangers will perceive it differently and blah blah blah. I have mood swings, maybe a little more often than the norm. Give me a break Ms. Perfect. It's so annoying how she takes everything back to herself. YES there is the golden rule - do unto others as you would have done to you. But that kinda stuff happens to me everyday of the week and I don't go off crying about it (much). Get over it. Geebus. Thank God for senior year. Or whatever.

I'm done ranting. I guess I was at fault. I'm always at fault. RUDE is a part of my personality. It's ingrained, after all the assholes I had to deal with. I've always been this way. And frankly, someone who is as close to insignificant as you is not going to change a damn thing. Just leave me alone. I learn best by example. As bitter as it may be, sometimes I do need a taste of my own medicine. Good night.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Puke

Katie got a domain. Like, OMG. I feel compelled to make a fan layout. WHOO HOO. But... seeing as to how I am a slacker...

I don't get stuff done. Like IMPORTANT stuff. I'm going to die sometime this weekend. My AA is coming to help me deal with college stuff. @_@ Kill me now. I can't wait until Saturday knowing it's coming. Yes... if ONLY I could do one app and be DONE. I am SO in the green zone for Bryn Mawr. I've done everything correctly! Almost. *Sigh* I like the roof... Good night. :)

Day # 51

December is nearly here. Got to get to coding. And designing.

AND COLLEGE ESSAYS. Asia, snap out of the slackage NOW. I am so tired so tomorrow I will probably just sleep until we have to go to Shakirah's play. Strath Haven drama is AMAZING.

Once upon a time I had acting endeavors. It was rather minor though. We did a little skit for this selection in a book we read. It was something about animals. I was the rabbit and I had to jump up when the snake came. I remember almost exactly how hilarious that was. Those days, however, are gone. I have stage fright. I've been on the stage a few times, to read stuff. According to others, though, I am getting better at public speaking. *shrugs*

Today. Nothing particularly special. I almost didn't get up to go to the CAC. I was SO tired. There's something nifty about sleeping with your clothes on. It's just completely different from wearing PJs.

I'm feeling uncreative again. Whenever I have a splurge of crap in my sketchbook, I just want to toss the whole darned thing. It's good I'm nearly done with it. I'm on page 52 or something and there are only about 75.

Thanksgiving. Round the corner. Six days. Or five if you're weird. XP Five especially if I get to cut Wednesday down. Pray. Ok, buh bye!

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Day # 50

...

OMG. I have just finished reading Peach Girl. That makes me SO sad. Why isn't it an anime yet?! It would do well as a live action drama as well I think. The characters are so real! I'm not one to cry over books and movies, but I did occasionally feel that heavy sort of pang at the base of my eyelids. I LOVE this manga so much. It's just like... *spasms* Ok. I'm done.

Today there was a Coffee House at my school. Basically, in the library, students and teachers alike sip coffee and hot cocoa as they watch their peers perform. The highlight this year was this one kid (I have no idea what he is - he looks like some strange sort of mix) who did a Green Day song. And the best part was that he sounded almost exactly like the lead. As for the other folks - egh. There was this one kid who had the distortion really high and was playing a bunch of random crap and "singing" in that deep, shrill, dark kind of way, meanwhile kicking stools and stands down. It was freaky. He would not listen for anything in the world when they asked him to end his gig so the next one could start. So this one kid came up behind him and cut it off for him. What a relief. He made me kind of nervous - he had this "I could kill you" kind of look to him too. The music added to that appeal as well. Another kid did a monologue. It pissed me off that he felt the need to curse. I had NO idea what he was talking about either. Everyone, including myself, was being quite rude during that performance. I lost interest the second he cursed, though. That was so not necessary. It's thanks to kids like that that we only had like one Coffee House last year. So anyway, good old Dan, Dave and... other people went. To be honest... Dan can't sing. I left for that one, though I both recognized and liked (sorta) the song. I remember way back when that after Dan played at the Coffee House, he suddenly had a wild pack of fan girls. I found that to be quite amusing. That kid is SO tall. And lanky. It's kinda scary. I don't remember when this was, but a teacher and some student chick played stuff on the banjo and cello (or viola/violin?) thingamajiggers. I don't know my musical instruments. *shrugs*

Yes, yes... what else happened today... Nada mucho. Maybe I'll remember something later, since this entry is kind of early. For once in my life I did my homework EARLY in the day. I finished my Physics homework after the quiz in class, started my Stat homework, came home, greased my hair since my scalp was so sore, went to Borders to buy Peach Girl 9 & 10, came back to finish my Stat homework and blah, blah, blah.

Speaking of hair, this one chick was making a comment about another chicks hair. Clearly, there was a difference in their hair, but honey, if my hair was your texture, even as frizzy as it is, I would be thrilled. It's just funny because she doesn't know it could be worse. At least the comb won't snap in half if she tries to run it through her hair after a swim or a wash. Ok, I'm exagerrating (or not) but c'mon. We humans are such silly creatures. Always wishing to be something and someone else. "We" includes me by the way.

Alright, I'm off. SHAZZPOT. I forgot to tape Jay-Z and Linkin Park again. Pfft. Well, it'll be running AGAIN so I guess I have time. Once again, I'm off, to shower, clean my room, whatever. Sayonara.

Day # 49

...

Tomorrow will be the 50th day of school. 130 days remain. That is amazing. Senior year DOES go by so fast.

I should so be asleep. I did nap for a bit today, about 3:30 to 7:30, since I knew I'd be pulling an all nighter, but right now, I can feel my eyes starting to burn. What kept me up? For English, we had this group project to do. I had everyone in the group send me pictures relating to the different chapters in the four parts of the book so that I could create a digital collage out of them. Honestly, I like the cover best. It doesn't seem so cluttered. Way to go Asia, going for the bulk of the load. It's ok, though. I love this editing stuff.

Speaking of editing, we started to work on our lunch tape in TV Productions today. I love starting to work with new programs. It's fun. I was probably foaming at the mouth. There's this blond kid who is very annoying. He's so whiney. I'm just like... stfu. The teacher CLEARLY stated "TYPE YOUR PSYCHO SCENE OUTLINES." Whether it's legible to you or not has nothing to do with anything. Rant of the day for ya. I like computers.

So now that that project is out of the way, I can look forward to cleaning my room. Unless Carol comes to put me back on track. There's only one wheel on there at the moment. I'm really thinking Bryn Mawr is the one for me. I'm really hoping Bryn Mawr is the one for me. Is it lazyness? Or am I truly passionate enough about the school to go Early Decision? I can't be THAT lazy. I mean, writing essays about yourself is fun! I find prime snippets for them in this blog almost everytime I write in it. It's so funny, how suddenly being forced to do something you like (write) makes you not want to do it. Pfft.

Well, I'm off for the night. Smoochez to all you very special people out there - you know who you are. <3

Monday, November 15, 2004

Day # 48

...

<< Trapt: Trapt >> Writing and listening to music is rather distracting.

Today was an ok day. I was in a daze for a good chunk of the day. It definitely wasn't because I was tired. Sure, I got to sleep about 1 AM, but I got plenty of sleep over the weekend. I was just thinking, fantasizing. Note that by fantasizing, I never mean the kinky stuff. That'd be kind of sick. I mean the fluffy kind of stuff. Interpret that as you will. I've just been smiling all day. The l-bomb may be near completion. XP

I had to write my chatterbox, basically a dedication to all your friends that goes in the back of the yearbook every year. If I can get the file, from the computer in the library, I might just display it here. If there's anyone I know I'm going to miss a ton, it's Andrea. I've got other friends, but she's my best thus far. Yea. I'm going to cut the sentimental crap before I let it get a hold of me. Sometimes it makes me itch. In other words, it makes me uncomfortable. Like, if someone gives me a compliment, I just kind of stare at them, sort of dumbfounded. I probably blush as well because I blush for the smallest things. I'm black, so it's not as obvious, though it is a little more than usual because of the little bit of reddish tones in my skin. BLAH.

Lost track for a moment... So Andrea and I are sitting in the second foyer and this random black boy opens the door to say hello. I'm just like, wtf, do I know you? Either he was in a REALLY good mood or he caught sight of my figure (I was kind of lying on my side.) Andrea was like, "That's called hitting on you." Apparently she thinks I'm curvaceous or whatever the heck she said. I thought that was hilarious and weird. I don't mind meeting new people but... all this time? Am I that invisible? Not that I care. It's only annoying when you want people to notice you again.

I need to pick up the good old drug. We haven't read Peach Girl in a while. I wonder how well I remember the story. Something about Sae getting pregnant... I don't remember the exact cliffhanger though. I probably brought at least 7 and 8, so I'll have to check again. Reading. I read, but comics, Japanese or American, don't quite stir thought. Yea, I haven't picked up The Color Purple since that first day, but yea. I'll get to it. I must speak with my counselor tomorrow. If I can just apply to Bryn Mawr and call it a day, I will be SO happy. Then all my college worries will be over. He seems pretty confident about my getting in, so how risky would that be exactly? I still have to minimize my list, just in case I guess. But that would be so nice, to worry only about one application. Hmm... I have to register for an interview pretty darn soon. I could kill two birds with one stone and bus over to Haverford since they require interviews for those who live within a 100 mile radius. Eh. I'm a little nervous about that, though I have both witnessed and been told that Bryn Mawr interviews are very conversational. My dad is pretty good at PR. I hope I got that from him. I doubt I have, though, since I'm a nervous wreck with these sort of things.

Mmm hmm. I can't wait until my room is clean. To put it simply, it looks like crap. Half of it is clean and the other is a wreck. Deja vu ey? Yes. Trouble is motivation. That's my problem with everything. These days, I need someone to push my buttons. If I'm in a weird, sort of bored mood and can't find the things I usually entertain myself, I usually will resort to cleaning. But these days, sleep has been taking over. I hope I break out of that habit. I just need someone to disturb me on routine. Kathleen is good at that, only she does it at 11. Even 9 AM is fine. That's when the adolescent body wakes up really anyway. Yep.

I write so much in this thing. I don't know where any of this stuff comes from, though. Maybe it's part of the reason I don't have dreams. I don't leave my brain to do much interpretation while I'm asleep. Or my memory is as screwy as I thought it was. Well, I'm done. Good night.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Freedom

I'm pretty sure I've got the image down for the next layout. I'm also pretty sure that there were be music incorporated into the layout. There might just be a "Hear" page for the file. Who knows?

YES. NO MORE STUDY HALL. Do you know how happy I am? SO happy. I'm only worried about my willpower now. Tomorrow shall be the first test. Actually, Tuesday will be, since I have class at the Community Art Center tomorrow. Yep.

Know what song I've been listening to nonstop this weekend? Mario's Let Me Love You. YES. Yea, yea, OMG POP! So I'm not the big hardcore rock fan you might've thought I was. You can take the girl outta NY, but not the NY outta the girl. XD Corny, I know. But every now and then, one must return to their roots. Don't front like you don't like that song either. I wouldn't say I was THAT big on rock anyway. My tastes are much more eclectic. It's just that rock tends to be the main front that I explore.

Also been filling up my files. Hmm... filesharing. Musicians argue that it is a form of theft. People always compare it to, "Oh what if someone took your artwork?" Assuming that what they mean is to take the artwork and claim it as yout own, the issues are two different things. First of all, when you download a file, the identity of its creator remains. There is no erasing the copyright. Filesharing is more like stealing the CD out of the store or... asking for a commission, receiving it, and not paying. So yes, I do believe it's wrong. However, sometimes it is a tool for the musicians. If it weren't for friends showing me certain songs that weren't playing on the radio at that particular moment in time, lots of things wouldn't be in my CD wallet right now. And I do prefer buying actual CDs to burning anyway. The books (particularly when they have lyrics and/or posters) are nifty as well. There are pros and cons to everything, give and take.

I've actually been away from the entry for some time now and have no clue what it was I had in mind to write about. Hmm... I dunno. I'm just really happy these days, pretty much with everything. It's great. Yep... I feel so blessed. And stuff. But now, I think I ought to head to bed. Goals this week - complete english project, clean room, COLLEGE ESSAYS, etc. Good night!

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Day # 47 & Bryn Mawr

...

Friday I got my report card. ABBB+. Not impressive. I have way too much math in my life. And that was all for Friday.

Today Bryn Mawr and Haverford had their usual BiCollege Multicultural Program. I'd gone last year, but I certainly got different vibes this time around. As always, I love Bryn Mawr. I'm seriously considering applying Early Decision. I don't feel as passionate about any of the other schools I'm planning to apply to. The toughest school to get into on my list is probably Brown, and really the only thing that'd attracted me there was RISD. Bryn Mawr I love all the way around. Everytime I come, I try and try to find something negative about it. I dunno why, I guess that's how I tend to evaluate things. I told you this before, but seriously, I've got nothing. I've been there so many times now, two admissions officers know my name (and a number of students) already know my name. I'm so comfortable on the campus, it sometimes feels like I've been there all along. I really think that it is it. Somehow, I hope so too. As for Haverford, I can't understand why it wasn't on my list. It has many of the same plusses as Bryn Mawr (of course, minus the single sex thing), but I still don't feel the same way about it as Bryn Mawr. Still, I'm going to switch it onto the list. Yea... There is a scholarship due on Monday. I really ought to start with the essays. Yep. Think I'm gonna do that now. But first, I need to find my old work from Creative Writing. I know I have all the files on the computer, for the most part, but I'm not particularly sure that I have all the finalized versions. So off I go!

Tata.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Day # 46 ~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IESHIA! I LOVE YOU!

...

I FAILED. I did not design the tee. Ashamed. I am.

The staff is still a monarchy. Do you ever WANT to hold grudges against someone but you can't? Sure, it's wrong, but sometimes it... helps. Or something. This is sad. Oh so sad. But I can't let something tear me down again.

Not even nagging. My AA called today and for a moment, my spirit was crushed. I was sitting there frowning at the computer screen. But then, I let it pass. She's only trying to help. Ya.

We watched most of Psycho in class today. And I mean the classic one. It is SO good. The activity we had to do while watching the movie was kind of annoying though, especially since I hadn't seen the movie before. Not only that, but the scenes were hard to split. Basically, we had to record everytime the scenes switched and summarize them. As always, I wrote a book. But I really like it. I haven't seen the modern rendition.

My guidance counselor is trying to reverse my illiteracy. The last book I read for myself was The Earth, My Butt, and Other BIG, Round Things. Or something of that nature. I know the author was Carolyn Mackler. Yeah. Now he suggested that I read The Color Purple. I read up to page 50 tonight. It brought back great memories of watching it with my mum. How she's always hysterical when Shug Avery (uhm... I probably got the name wrong) says, "You sho' is ugly." And when she sings that sistah song to Ceelie. And then how she CRIES at the end. My mom is BIG at crying for movies. And stuff.

I think it's almost impossible for me to write a short entry. This is kind of short, but not quite. Well, I'm gonna end it here. G'nite. Plus: OMG. The PHONE. Crap. We're going on a house trip tomorrow. I probably won't be in until late. BOWLING IS SO MUCH FUN. Sad, we're not going to Macdade. We ALWAYS go bowling at Macdade with the boy's house. How could they ruin the tradition?! Bowling always makes me miss Julianna and Mario. Mario, because he used to tease me about my gutterballs (yea, I'm good now MOFO) and Julie because we ALWAYS used to play air hockey. I won a stuffed animal for her once from the claw machine. I wish she still could've have been here and happy. She would have been my rock bud! It's all her fault in the first place! Uhm yea. I said g'nite a long time ago. Now it's official. G'bye.

One more thing: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IESHIA! I LOVE YOU! In case you forgot. <3

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Day # 45

...

This house is a monarchy. Although there are four individual staff members, they all might as well be one person. There is never the voice of reason. The response is alwaysd WE ARE STAFF, OUR WORD IS LAW. How is it that when there was only one woman running this house, there was generally a feeling of peace? I don't know, maybe it was by the glory of God. But then, why is it that whenever we speak to other girls from houses across the nation, they never seem to be able to relate to us? Is our house cursed? The one year we had a stable staff was my Sophmore year. Freshman year there was a new staff member almost everyday. Obviously, I'm exagerrating. Still, it's ridiculous, the amount of crap the girl's house has gone through. If the boys do have problems, they remain internal. No one would ever know. I doubt they have many in the first place. Andy and Lisa have been there forever. Maybe it's the nature of girls in general. Maybe there was some vibe going around this house. Andy used to be staff at the girl's house, but he called it quits and moved over to the boy's house. Why was that transition so easy? Are women that difficult?! When Ansa was here, he was a voice of reason, although it was not needed as often, seeing as a fairly clear sighted woman was at the head. Janine also had our backs when she was here, though sometimes the line seemed somewhat wavy. I don't know, maybe it's because I see my fellow senior badgered constantly and that because we are of the same age, I usually side with her. Still, I do try to understand the staff's perspective. Unfortunately, it always seems that they've forgotten what it's like, maybe even what this program is about. This program is about us. We should have some say and I mean that, as a whole. I feel that when one girl is having an issue in the house, it is everyone's issue. Kathleen was getting upset because Kathy was involved. Kelly kept telling her not to get the we other girls involved. Clearly though, this is our problem too. Once they have struck down the most outspoken of the girls, it seems as though they will look to another target. Now that Shayna has left the program, it's Kathleen's turn. And when we're gone? I think Shawnelle'll be next. Hopefully they'll be fortunate to have a new staff. It seems to me that there is a constant power struggle in this house. Sure, they're staff, they're the adults, the authority, and that whole shebang. But when does what we have to say matter? It seems that in terms of rules, we can only say so much. Whether that little much has an effect is a different story. Isn't this program for us? Aren't we supposed to work together? Why is it that when one of the girls is disciplined, we aren't apart of it? How can we learn to not make that same mistake? It's wrong to expect us not to. We're teens. Somehow rebellion is a part of our nature. No, that doesn't excuse it, but our perspective is entirely different. We're always being told what to do and eventually we'll just get fed up. There needs to be some insight. When Anthy and Ansa and Janine were here, it felt like we had that. Now, that's all gone. We are here to fend for ourselves. Just about the end of Sophmore year, we made a truce to keep issues amongst ourselves and workt hem out together. This is kind of like the way we're excluded from when another girl has issues, but the proportions usually seem more skewed when the staff gets involved. Trouble is, they probably can make that same argument. Still, once we started that, we realized that beef between the girls kind of died down. Suddenly, it became staff vs. girls, with a few traitors in our midst. And I think I'm done. I lost sight of what I was writing. All I know is that this house has been spinning in a vicious cycle for some time now. Somebody has to calm it. Hoepfully we can acheive some of that in the house meeting tomorrow night. The vibes are gonna be sketchy that night.

Other than that, there was more thing to get me hype today. The Linkin Park and Jay-Z thing. Amazing. End of story. I might just go get that CD. And WTF is up with Incubus and Hoobastank on the Halo 2 soundtrack?! Who the heck does video game soundtracks? Breaking Benjamin sounded familiar too. Something Benjamin, anyway.

Well, I'm done ranting for the night. Still haven't done the tee yet...heh. Mr. Styer was saying I could go into marketing with something like what I did last year and that he didn't expect me to live up to what I did then. He said that that was amazing. That felt really, really good. Still, for me to be good in marketing, I have to have good stuff going for a while right? 'Kay, g'nite.

Tuesday, November 9, 2004

Day # 44

Well... the next layout seems to be headed in yet ANOTHER direction. I can't seem to make up my mind. As long as I have it by Decemeber, that'll be nice. And... you care.

Linkin Park and Jay-Z. Weird combination, right? But it's real. Tomorrow at 10:30, they have some mash-up kinda show running. I think that's really interesting. Links: MTV | Official Site. Unfortunately, I have neither Real Player nor the newest version of Flash so... I have to wait. Boo hoo. Hopefully I'll get to tape it. Hopefully it'll fit on the end of the Linkin Park Makes a Video: Breaking the Habit. If not, big deal. They'll rerun it at some point. They always do. Somehow the mash-up is kind of pleasing. It's like a sign of people starting to ignore their differences. Maybe. But then again, how much of a role does money play? And... I'm done.

As I said, school is pretty much the same thing. And I really need to settle down and start my apps. December is right there, staring me in the face. And here I am with all but one of my college info sheets done - no essays. Two people asked me where I was applying today and I kinda just gave them this look and that was the end of it. That could be why my friends have stayed to such a tiny number. Because of my attitude. Oh well. When that tiny number starts to actually bother me, maybe then I'll change. Besides, I think it's better to have a small group of friends you're absolutely sure will have your back in the end than a whole squad that you barely know much about except that you hang out together.

Today after school I went to Andrea's house. She wasn't there. I knew perfectly well where she was and guessed that I'd probably be welcome to have gone over there, but I felt like it wouldn't have been very comfortable on my part. So then I walked home. It was freezing. But there was something rewarding about my little walk. It was somewhere between 20 - 30 minutes and gave me time to think. Somehow, the negative aura I was feeling just disappeared. I came in, laid on the couch until 3 and then went upstairs to sleep. That was great. And I'm glad I thought to get rid of yesterday's entry. It was just... wrong. So yea. I feel better now. Hopefully it'll stay that way. I need my sanity to get this college stuff done. Yup. I have to talk to my guidance counselor tomorrow. About what? I dunno. I need motivation.

I get to design the Turkey Bowl T-Shirt again this year. I feel special. Two years of designing the Homecoming Ticket and designing the Turkey Bowl tee. That's great. I was once asked to help with the school website, but then I was like... no. It's almost strictly about football. SCREW football. The five a's are supposed to be the arts, academics, altruism, athletics, and activites. But to Mr. Bichner, especially when I first came here, it seemed that all he had on his mind was football, football, football, band, and football. The end. Nothing else. Now that our football team is starting to suck, it seems he isn't all that that thrilled about highlighting that. Back to the other sports I suppose. Anyway, our school was in a magazine for top high schools recently. There were so many people that I knew in the pic. It's amazing how a little bit of gloss can suddenly make people attractive. It was like these people were celebrities or something. I wonder how that felt. I would have loved to have been apart of the band. I tried out for bandfront. Twice. Needless to say, I sucked and didn't quite give it my all. Still, I think it's kinda fishy that a good chunk of the minorites are shoved into the "lower class" of the bandfront - swing flags. Yes. So many years and only one has been on Danceline, which is probably the most coveted spot on the whole band. But she doesn't really count considering her mannerisms and the shade of her skin. She blended right in very well. But hey. The band is generally a good representation of the diversity of the school. Still, it has gone up quite a bit over the years, especially considering Chester's little predicament. See, there's this rumor going around that the school was built small in order to keep kids from Chester, generally minorites, from enrolling in the school. Their reply is something like, "Oh, we wanted to keep our test scores up." Basically, the higher the scores, the more money a school receives. That's backwards. Obviously if a school has high scores, they have enough materials to properly teach their students. It's the low scoring schools the traditionally don't have the money. They should probably be receiving it. Put to good use, their scores would shoot up. It's all a conspiracy in the end to keep the rich up top. And we all know who the rich are. It's sad. But true. And I'm done babbling.

It's 12 something. I still haven't drawn the t-shirt design. Having a bit of a block. I ought to get to that, eh? Well, good night.

Standby

Last night's entry has been disclosed until further notice.

Monday, November 8, 2004

Day # 43

Maybe it's headed in another direction still. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook on things in general, to try to boost my mood. So a black layout, something I'll have to be looking at quite often, may not be the best of things to post. Still, it's only a color so eh, we'll see.

My goodness. You know that dropping sensation you get in your gut when something bad happens? Well, it's not all THAT bad, but supposedly his mama called and is complaining about her bill and banning me from calling or something. AGH. Run away. But maybe this is a sign of... something. Maybe I'd been asking for a break all along. But what the heck is wrong with me that I feel stifled by something so far away? What the hell do I need a break from? Maybe it's anxiety. Whatever it is, it needs to get out of my system. I can't stay like this for long. Whatever this is, it's not happy or healthy. I haven't felt much like myself for some time now. Something is weighing me down. It all could be what's making feel so exhausted these days. It's not the kind of tired from staying up until the wee hours of the morning, but something that's affecting me on a more mental level than anything else. I feel like I have this huge negative aura following me around. As much as I try to smile and laugh it away, it clings onto me. And what's worse, when I get on the phone, it binds even tighter. WTF is that? One of the very things that served as sustenance earlier this year is now some sort of hindrance. I'm pretty sure I still like him but... this is really messed up. It's not even like I see him everyday. Maybe it's something else. Maybe it's the fact that when I'm talking to him, I know I'm not going to see him anytime soon. Maybe it's his disposition. Or mine. Maybe it has nothing to do with him at all! Maybe it's just senior year in general and having all the shit I need to do at the back of my mind. ... I need some sort of therapy. This is driving me crazy. I just need to get all of this off of my mind. I'm sorry. I'm such an ass. Maybe I am meant to be alone... Don't take that personally. Don't take any of this personally. I just need to think things through. There's just too much in the way for me to be able to do that. Now don't go passing any judgements either. I didn't say anything was anything yet. Unless... It's up to you too you know.

I might be going to bed earlier tonight. I'm feeling sick. That sinking feeling has risen to my chest. And no, I don't get heartburn, and I probably won't, especially if I haven't eaten much. Peace out.

Sunday, November 7, 2004

Dying

Well... the idea I had for the next layout kinda went in a different direction. After I stopped being depressed (or at least after I thought I did), I lost interest in trying to draw something pertaining to that theme. Now, another one has come up. It'll still be pretty dark, but in a more reflective way. Or something.

Guys... I think I'm dying. Everyday, I sleep a little longer. Eventually, I'm just not gonna wake up. Kidding, of course. Still, I've been sleeping WAY too much these days. I can't explain what's making me so tired, either. Maybe I need iron. I have been craving liver, actually. Ew to you too. I like it. With onions, grits, and bacon, mama's style. Whee. The only time I ever really eat well is host family Sundays. During the week I'm just like, nyeh. Sometimes it's because I'm depressed. Most of the time it's because I'm SO finicky. I like that word.

Probably due to the excess of sleep, I've had dreams for the past few nights. The first that I can remember is that I (and other people who I recognized in the dream but can't remember now) were traveling through the city at night. For some reason our academic chair, who happens to be from Philly, was in the dream. Anyways, we were traveling in the alley ways, dodging and smacking away dynamite that was thrown at us from the rooftops of apartment buildings. The setting is recurring, though I don't remember it being that dark last time. What the heck is all that supposed to mean? Then I think the other night I had this dream that I was in my bedroom (I don't know which one - might have been my "dream" bedroom) and my dad was in there with a broom in hand. Then he said something like, "There's something under your bed," and started fishing under my bed with the broom. This HUGE gigantic rat-like thing comes out, snarling and growling and my dad picks it up with his bare hand. The thing is jerking its head around, trying to nip his hand, and he throws it out of the window. It crashes into a window on the adjacent wall and breaks it, bouncing down to the below. Freaky. WTF does that mean? The dream continued with a series of those rat creatures, but I can't remember much else. Maybe it has something to do with the annyoing squirells that scratch at our roof every once and a while. None of my dreams ever make sense. Except with recent events, I might have a hunch about what it could mean. Or maybe not. Although it's troublesome trying to think of what these dreams mean (though really all they are is your brain interpreting things or something.) I enjoy having dreams. They're interesting.

Somethings still wrong with me. I think I'm reaching that reclusive stage again. Hopefully it'll pass soon. Well, I'm off, probably to draw. Ta-ta.

Friday, November 5, 2004

Day # 42

...

First off, thank you Kafu, for always coming through. As much as I complain, it's not that difficult to please me. Actually, I take that back. It's a matter of circumstances. But anyway, thank you for making me feel better. Words can hardly express how much I appreciate you. <3

Egh. The minuses of a blog - not everything going on through your head will make the same sort of sense to someone else. A couple of mistakes with sentence structure, grammar, the works, and you've created an entirely different situation. But I'm not going to rant about that. I might just throw myself into another pitfall. NO I'm not hiding anything, dammit. Most of what's in that center paragraph I've told you before. And going back to the first sentence of that practice, I felt that maybe I'd been lying to myself about the fact that I didn't need other people for company. Is my writing that... confusing? And you should never feel bad about my insecurities. They're something that in the end I have to get rid of myself. Anyway, it'd be a waste of time trying to explain that here, especially since we'll probably wind up talking about it.

So... ya! Straight from school, I went to Andrea's house. Sure, I could have been doing a little more brushing up for the SAT II Writing tomorrow, but studying only goes so far. Besides, I've been doing things consistently this week. The brain does need a break every once in a while. Yea. So we watched Edward Scissorhands. Winona is so pretty in that movie. And Johnny, however freaky he may appear, is also pretty. There is a difference between pretty, cute, and handsome, by the way. And no, I'm not the type to obsess over celebs. I really don't do the hanging dudes on my wall thing either. It's kinda creepy to have a bunch of strangers staring at you in the darkness. At least I think so. Yea. So then after a few games of air hockey (OBSESSED), there was a bit of drama. I hate being asked for input because honestly, I think it would have been an entirely different situation in my case. But oh well, if it helps to console my best bud, I'm all ears... and stuff.

The L-bomb again and again and again. It doesn't make me feel so odd anymore. Fact is, I'm slowly starting to get used to it. And in time, as Kathleen reminds me, I'll be able to say it just the same, as if it were as natural as my name. Well, test tomorrow. G'nite.

Thursday, November 4, 2004

Day # 41

...

Yes. Indeed. Thursday is high time for depression. Or something. Crazy mood swings. It went into today, but... eh. No need to dwell on it, eh? I look back on what I wrote yesterday and I'm like... wtf? I suppose I was feeding into things I shouldn't have been. Yeah. What to write...

At some point in time, I'd made up my mind that I didn't need other people for company. These days, however, I feel odd being alone. It's not like it isn't welcome sometimes, but these days I am beginning to cherish... contact more and more. OR as I said before, I crave it. CRAZY how one person can change you. Maybe I'd been lying to myself all along, just to keep my mind off of it. *shrugs*

I'm tired of writing. I have an idea for the next layout. It'll be kind of dark. Somehow black is very appealing. It's so... clean. Not the usual terms ey? Eh. Well, off I go. I should be sleep. I almost died today. But no, not the night owl. G'nite.

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Day # 40

...

At first, I wasn't going to write today. School is running back on track with the whole "same shit, different day" motto. I forget what movie that is... I don't even know that I've seen that movie... Anyway yea.

If anything was interesting today, it was Partnership. I like how Faith is trying to bring certain matters to the surface and have them squashed, although I don't think she's found the right way to go about it yet. In the end, it was just a bunch of chicks moaning and groaning about a bunch of petty things. That's the way it is with the African American population in my school, almost across the board.

Sad, I feel like I can relate to none of them. Even sadder, I don't want to. I get that same empty kind of feeling when I go back home, that I can never have someone to just be able to sit down and talk to and feel like they understand me to the fullest. I think if I hadn't somewhat "converted" my sister and might-as-well-be-my-sister-younger-aunt to rock, I would have been feeling even crappier than I do when I'm back there. Sure, sure, I know I've got people who love me, but...sometimes, it doesn't feel like enough. Maybe this is homesickness.

I'm so used to not having that kind of attention that I push it away, afraid of getting too familiar with it again and then having to deal with its absence. Then, like always, ma and pa are right - having Noah has only raised the toll. Although, I'm not always sure I have him. Sometimes I feel like I will never be enough, that I am just being settled for. Then there are those who ask me, is it ever the other way around?

This is why it takes about an hour for me to get to sleep every night, why it's difficult for me to concentrate in school sometimes, why I can't ever just sit there and have fun. I think too much. Somehow, this blog has become a requisite to sanity. If...that even makes sense. Whoo. Angsty. Good night.

Tuesday, November 2, 2004

Mosh

No updates.

Bush is winning. That's disgusting. Four more years of CRAP. I really hope that doesn't happen, but at this moment, I have my doubts. So many people are like, "Let's move to Canada!" It seems so peaceful up there. Ugh. Have you heard Eminem's Mosh? That somehow is...empowering. Imagine. Launch has the video. Some lyrics:

And as we proceed, to mosh through this desert storm, in these closing statements,
if they should argue, let us beg to differ, as we set aside our differences,
and assemble our own army, to disarm this weapon of mass destruction
that we call our president, for the present,
and mosh for the future of our next generation,
to speak and be heard, Mr. President, Mr. Senator...

Good night. Or something.

Day # 39

No updates. Cry.

YAY. No school tomorrow. But I absolutely MUST use it towards college stuff. And maybe a little towards the hurricane aftermath that is my room. But yeh. A LEETLE. I went to sleep eightish today and woke up to write this. And what am I writing about? Hmm... Well, today was a weirdish day. It was fast and slow at the same time. And then like a moron, I forgot to tell the yearbook lady that I wanted to attempt to design a cover. THAT would make my year, especially since I have somehow managed to be completely shoved out of the editing group. Bastards. But then I'm not making much of an effort to push for a spot, am I? But really, I would love to run around in a yearbook tee at the end of the year and miss class to help organize for the assembly. Because that's all it's ever about as a second semester senior - finding as many opportunites as possible to be out of school. Really, by then you're in college for the most part, so you shouldn't have to kill yourself over school work. Most teachers are good with that. OMFG. I FORGOT AGAIN. Note to self - EMAIL DR. TEMPLETON PAPER. Slackage. How dare I ask him for a recommendation?! I could send it now but... 1 AM. NO. I MUST find something to write about for the Panther Press. I cannot leave this high school and not be published in my own newspaper (Jabberwocky would be nice too). Especially if I claim to love to write. I would need proof.

And now I'm out of things to say. Except maybe, call me. I'll be available ALL day long. Ish. Tata.

Monday, November 1, 2004

Weak Weekends

None. I need inspiration. Any requests? There is no guarantee I'll go through with them by the way... I need something FRESH. I definately want to make a new web layout, like, now. But no ideas are popping up. It'll come, in time. No weather or holiday theme, should you suggest. That's a given and has been done SO many times.

Yes. Weekend titles are getting so random and crappy. But this weekend was sorta kinda ok. I'm longing for affection again, though. But I don't really deserve what I don't really give I guess. MY GOD. The phone is not working. I'm going to die if that isn't fixed soon. No. I seriously mean DIE. And stuff. LAST WEEK OF GYM. Praise the lord. TV Productions will be fun, and I already know I have 1.5 buddies in there.

Tuesday there's no school, so I really need to sit down and start cranking out this college stuff. It's already Novemeber. That is sick. I'm going to collapse under all this pressure. Today my AA was over. She started mentioning how Kathleen was way ahead of me with this college process. That pissed me off so much. What the hell is comparing me to someone else going to do? This is MY life. What he, she, it, and the other person does is not my concern. Apparently she thought it would serve as some sort of motivation. NO. If this college thing is any sort of competition, it is against myself and a smidget between the OTHER applicants. As far as I know, Kathleen is not applying to any of the same schools that I am. So screw that. If it's going to motivate me to do anything, it'll be to ignore you. I hate it when people do that, even if it's in my favor.

I went to my best bud's house today. We had lots of candy, played air hockey (OMG AIR HOCKEY! <3), Mario Party 5, and Super Smash Bros. Melee. Then the good ol' buddy ol' pal Brad drove me home. I'm going to miss SO many people when that special time comes. Will I cry? I don't cry for much of anything, unless it's emotional. I don't mean like OMG so and so died (well, I've only been to two funerals - I think - and I didn't really feel close enough to those people to cry - and then there's apathy). It would have to have been several things that've taken their toll at once. If that makes sense. Basically, I'd have to be really depressed. Happens every once in a while and crying usually seems like the last outlet. That's as drastic as it gets. Wow. Don't worry, I'm fine. I'm relatively happy. Just bored, though I have plenty to do. I just need to get to it. SATs NEXT WEEKEND.

I really am not tired, possibly because I slept almost ALL weekend. I didn't wake up until 1 today. I definately wasn't tired, so what in the world is up with me? I'd usually have a pounding headache if I slept that long. I just need to train myself to get like 8-10 hours on the dot or something. Wake up at 9 on the weekends. CLEAN MY ROOM. But I LOVE staying up late for some reason. I also like being up for a good chunk of the day unless of course school is involved. Sleep usually feels like such a waste of time. If I didn't need it, I wouldn't do it, probably. Egh. Either way, gotta get sleep. So, nighty.

Sunday, October 31, 2004

Sleepy Saturday

Finished my entry. It is such crap. But, oh well.

Today was kind of gloomy. I woke up sore in my legs and in my right knee. I have no clue why that would be the case. It was 12 and at about 2, after a failed attempt to do my chore, I went back to sleep. It wasn't so much that I was tired, but that I was bored out of my mind. I woke up again at about 4, made an omlette, and did my chore. After that, I hopped in the shower. I felt like going to sleep again, but I didn't. It was so very boring, although there are plenty of college related things I could be handling. I can't wait until Thanksgiving, for a number of reasons. Yep... Eh. Bored again. I hate it when we lose calls. Sucks. Well, I'm off, maybe to sleep. Ta-ta.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Day # 38

I don't even know about that picture so much. A light source from behind is kind of challenging. Maybe I'll fake it or something. Or not.

<< Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge >> Love that song. Once upon a time I was screwing around on Launch and I went as far back as I could in their video archive under them. Then I found out that I actually did know more of their songs than I'd thought. I believe they belong on the favorite musicians list. Yep...

So today was a pretty slacky day at school. The band had a parade to go to, so half the school was gone. That's an exagerration. But we have about 1,300 kids in our school and the band is a good third of that. We have the biggest (and the best, actually) band in the area. Random fact of the day.

After school today, we had a house trip to the Eastern State Penetentiary. They hold a haunted house, or rather, prison, there every year. They have actors running around with spooky makeup popping up at you in the dark. I wasn't really that scared, more amused, occasionally startled if anything. Screaming is SO MUCH FUN. Unless of course there's some sort of pain (or something else you should actually be afraid of) involved. Yea. So as short as it was, it was pretty entertaining. And we got SPEED passes, so we didn't have to wait on a line that traced halfway through Philly. Pfft. Philly. NYC FOR LIFE! *cough*

Not much else to write. 'Cept...I miss 'im. And I reckon this trip caused me to miss his call. Yea. Well...I'm tired. So, beddy bye!

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Day # 37

Need I say it every time? Still, there is some progress with my contest entry. I inked it. At first I was going to do it on the computer, but I didn't have the patience and I doubt I'll have the time. Plus, I'm feeling kind of rusty.

So, bloody hell is good for something (even if it actually hasn't started yet). Today was the last day of being in the pool, so my hair can LAST until Thanksgiving (or perhaps longer, considering how hectic it gets)! Now all that leaves is the rain and the shower to dodge. I have one day of gym to make up, although I probably shouldn't considering the fact that all my "absences" should be excused. Still, it's only one day, so I won't complain. Or maybe I will. Who cares? I just hope he was joking about my getting a B. A B in PE is unacceptable. I'm actually kind of excited about the switch to TV Productions. Hey, that might inspire me to get into film. Or not. You just never know.

Today I went to talk to my English teacher after school so he could get to know me a little more for a college recommendation. See, I've only had him for two months, so hopefully that won't take from anything. He asked me, "Why don't you go to an Art college?" fter he asked me about my interests. I was probing my mind for an answer for a few moments and then I told him that I thought that by attending a school focused on one thing, I could not get as broad an education as at a Liberal Arts college. As much as I love the arts, I think I could bring more to a profession in that field if my knowledge expands across the curriculum. And who knows, I may get into other things. The only issue with that is accessibility. Most Liberal Arts don't necessarily have art programs. But then that's why schools with joint programs with other schools like Bryn Mawr (UPENN) and Brown (RISD) are on my list.

I still don't know what I want to do with my life, though. Here is indecision, at its best. Being a kid can be so nice, the simplicity of it all anyway. I used to be able to say, "I want to be an artist! A writer! A teacher!" Scratch out that last one. Children bug me. Or maybe I've cast a generalization over them because of my negative experiences with my cousins. Maybe I should call that quits. But yea. Not at the moment.

I don't know what I'm rambling about anymore. So, buh bye for now!

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Day # 36

Nope, nope. I was gonna start working on my contest entry tonight, though. I will regret it in the morning.

I was in a daze all day long today. Kinda like aftershock. I asked Andii about it, but we really didn't go into detail. I just feel so odd. I want to be loved, so why am I resisting it like this? I guess I don't want to be pulled into it, but to fall into it for myself. In other words, I want to be able to say I love you in my own time, on my own terms. I don't want to feel forced. So please, give me time. How long that can take, only time will tell. But don't worry, I like you. :) Maybe too much for my own good.

After school today, I went with Andii to her house. We watched The Thing (well, I kinda dozed off on it) after some pasta, then we went up to the cave to play some Sonic and Mario Party 5. We didn't finish, had about four turns left. Yea. This is all boring filler. So I'm going to end it. Toodleloo.

Day # 35

No updates.

Yep. Just as I suspected. All it took was three special words and I went into shock. I have been staring at this screen for ten minutes, thinking about it. How difficult is it to repeat that phrase back to someone? Well, not difficult at all. But there is a difference between saying it and meaning it. And I believe that I can't possibly mean it if I don't know what it means. Let's look it up, shall we? LOVE. Hmm. So sure, I understand all of that and can identify with a good chunk of it, though because of my nature, I haven't given into it. I somehow consider it to be an element of vulnerability. By the definition, I'm sure we've all experienced it in some sort of form but yea... I personally have not really experienced it in a very tangible form. And to have someone say it that isn't a member of my family, isn't Andrea, or isn't just using it in a joking matter, is weird. We talked about it before and it was the strangest thing but I just kind of automatically defined it as an element. And I really do believe it is. It's just there, much like water, fire, earth, and air/wind, and cannot be obtained or controlled like a mere possession. Well actually, that last bit depends on how you look at it, but yea. Of all the elements, it stays the most true to that last fact. Or something.

I'm confused. I hope it doesn't hurt that I can't say it back yet. It just takes longer for some than others. And then I was always warned that it can be used against me. Geez. I feel like I have been told to be wary of everything, right down to the color blue. I am so tense about everything because of it. Sucks.

Good night.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Day # 34

As nearly always, there are no content updates. But I do plan to at least color something soon, just in time to make it for Kina's Halloween Art Contest. I already have something drawn and plan to ink it via tablet. Haven't used that thing a long while. Uh huh. Again I feel confident about my chances of victory, but, we know what happened last time. But, it's not that big of a deal. It's fun to compete altogether. Yep.

Hanging up the phone is soo difficult. I tell you it's true. Today in school was the weirdest thing. People who would have never given me the time of day before were all like, "Like, oh my god, Asia, was that your boyfriend at Homecoming?" Meanwhile I'm just giving them this look like, "Do I know you?" "Yea, he was really cute." Thanks for telling me. I kinda forgot. [/end sarcasm] It doesn't bother me that they think so, but that they feel the need to tell me, that one difference suddenly makes me worthy of conversation with them. In general, I don't like the "personality" of Strath Haven. It seems so... phony sometimes. On all fronts. But that's ok. I've found my little niche and that's all I need. Well... that was then. Now that I have him in my life, a new perspective is layed out before me. The second he left, I was irritable. Friday night when I had no clue what was taking him so long, I was irritable. Suddenly, the sound of the phone ringing is music to my ears. It used to annoy me alot having to pick it up, knowing that nine times out of ten it wasn't for me. I didn't care that it wasn't for me, just that I had to pick it up. Lazy bones.

I stayed after school with Andrea today. SOMEONE DECAPITATED MY CERAMICS FIGURINE! But oh well. I took it as a sign that I'm just not cut out for that crap anyways. It hurts my hands. I like my hands, if nothing else on me. So yea. We were talking and stuff, about relationships and other random crap. You know, I can't figure out what color her eyes are. One second they're grey, another green, blah, blah, blah. I always go off on a tangent. So yea. I can stare into her eyes for a while, but not his. How weird is that? I'm just too uptight about everything. 'Sides, it took me a whiles to warm up to her too. (Go figure, I know she's been exposed to the spleen inflaming disease, but I don't hesitate to sip from her cup. Fact, I shared a soda with her today. Am I screwed up or what?) But in time, it'll come for him too. Quicker, if I wasn't such a prude. Agh.

...I forgot everything I wanted to write. I'm... kinda tired. So I bid thee farewell and a good night.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

The Voice Inside My Head

New link exchange, Morghan! Yay. I REALLY want to update this thing.

(Yes. Blink 182.) Already, I miss 'im. WTF. This is a really weird feeling. And I like it. As for the kissing gig, I screwed it up again. Seriously though, what the heck is my problem? As the day wore on, I was becoming more comfortable around him. And maybe, in much less of a public setting, I could actually allow him to kiss me without making it look like I'm fighting for my virginity or life or something else the media has managed to devalue. Random. Maybe I have to ask my parents for permission on that too [kissing]. Maybe then I'd feel better. XD I am so sad.

Everyone likes him, which isn't so much of a bad thing on this side of the fence. It's over there that I'm worried about ALL the time. I don't really get the sense from him that I can't trust him, but he seems like a party animal. And I am SO prone to disappoint him on that front. Then all the sweet things he told me... that makes me feel like, "What reason do you have to distrust him?" Then lingering lectures play in my head of all the little tricks the boys play. And that's where everything comes down to. It's like this fear I have of... I dunno, disappointing my parents. But they've repeated it so much, it feels so much like it's a part of me. And I can do almost nothing without their voices inside my head. So maybe I don't have a phobia of any of those things. Maybe it's just them, constantly screaming in my ears, CAUTION. The apathy button malfunctions in that area. Boop. My head is spinning with lots of random thoughts, the most prominent being, Asia, why do you suck?

Night.

Like, OMG (continued)

Mikero is back on the affiliates list! Yay! Please be sure to check out his site.

And then...he told me all these things and I'm like... that M2M song off the first Pokemon movie. But it's not so much that he doesn't know me, but... I don't even know. Somehow, I felt like I was tearing him from his friends. Geez. Guilt is back again. And this is why I lie in bed for about an hour every night before I actually fall asleep. Too busy thinking about every and anything, every and anyone, Nothing, and no one. G'nite. I'm going to write a book someday.

Like, OMG

No updates, duh.

I feel soo bad. He tried to kiss me and I kinda blew 'im off. I dunno why. Maybe because Brad was in the car? I guess that shouldn't have mattered but... as much as I love the movie Never Been Kissed, I wouldn't want my first to be a huge spectacle. I have serious issues. So much for my amorous nature. Pshaw. I feel like I probably also disappointed 'im because of the fact that I didn't dance. Actually, he admitted to that. I don't understand what that is about. Why can't I just dance?! I wonder what phobia that is? Geebus. But at least we had some fun today. We left the homecoming dance early and went bowling with Andii and the crew. At one point she and Noah went off to get a snack or something and Tim asked me where they were. I was like, "I'm sorry, Tim, but they're out in the back makin' out!" Then he said something like, "Well we're all that's left," and kinda poked me or something, laughing. That was AWKWARD. But then I was glad because then I knew for sure that we were friends. I don't know where I got my doubts from, though. Yes. I broke 100 and beat Brad by 4 points!!! I'm way better at bowling at night I think. Or maybe just when I'm hyper. After Brad dropped Noah off, he kinda started to ask me alot of questions, like why I kinda blew 'im off, or if I was the type to not like anyone to get really close to me. I really don't know. I must have serious insecurity issues. After bowling, we all went to Andii's house. I haven't been there in SO long. It was nice. We started to watch this anime called Read or Die on the Cartoon Network. New favorite. And then... that was pretty much it.

I came into the house, had Margaret lecture me about being late and moped around the house a bit, feeling guilty. What is wrong with me? I need to talk to mum and dad or something. I've heard the birds and bees spiel too often to the point where I'm absolutely terrified of getting stung (though very curious of the mark it leaves behind), but I wasn't told much about all the stuff before that. AGH. Hmm... I think I write better at night. Sometimes.

But at least I have something to be proud of. My SAT score shot up 90 points (wow, not much after I thought about it)! I have a 1210, a 640 verbal and 570 math! So all the guilt is canceled out and I can go to sleep. Hmm... I wonder what happens if you sleep with eye makeup on. Let's find out, ey? G'nite!

Friday, October 22, 2004

... (continued)

Ok. I feel better now. But now I'm gonna have to kick his ass. Talked to his friend, said he left about 2 hours ago (and that was 9:49 pm). I SO could have gone to the game. AGH. Calm.

...

I can't sleep. The anger has passed and now worry is starting to settle in. My chest hurts and my stomach is tied up in a knot. Where's icecream when you need it?

Day # 33

No updates.

WTF. 7:45. NO signs of 'im. I NEVER miss the Homecoming game. I can't believe I'm going to miss the Homecoming game! I'm...kinda pissed. It'll pass. Just as soon as I go take my nap...

But first, let's talk about today. It was nice, having the choice to go to class. I'm pretty sure I did fairly well on the STAT test. I hope I didn't wind up using the calculator or "extrapolation" too much. Helping with Homecoming decor was actually kind of annoying. I applaud the Student Council. They ACTUALLY get things done.

Today I had a guidance appointment with my AA there. The forks in the road are starting to disappear. Now the trouble is moving forward.

AGH. PISSED. Good night.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Day # 32

Teensy little update! Added a new affiliate, Courtney. Newest affiliates appear at the bottom of the list unless they'd reapplied or something. They are listed in order of...application. Yes. I wish I were friends with most of my affiliates at least. It's starting to feel too much like a web ring, too anonymous. My most dedicated affiliates are Kafu and Kota. And by dedicated I mean we actually talk. Kota I actually know irl, so that might have a little to do with it, but Kafu who is SO far away... Well, I've bragged about her enough. XP Still, I love and thank you all. And I understand perfectly well that you're all pretty busy but...yeh. Hmm... Maybe I'll change the affiliate policy a bit, ey? It's not very clear as of now, actually. Merrily we roll along...

Just a FEW hours and he'll be here! We were nice to the ol' roomie and handed the phone over to her so she could blab to her little piece of sunshine. It seemed pretty fair, since he will be here pretty soon. Next weekend, I get to use the same excuse. Muahaha. EXCITEMENT! And jitters. What's also great about tomorrow is that I will miss class to help spruce up the gym for Homecoming. YAY. 'Cept there's a test in Stat that I hafta take. Ah wells.

I miss my mum 'n' dad 'n' sis. Alot. :( And I am going to go to bed before I collapse. I am SO tired. Nighty!

Day # 31

Nuh-uh. No updates, sowwie.

Two days (or one?) until Homecoming Weekend begins!!! This week has actually been passing by sort of quickly. FINALLY I'm set with the homecoming outfit. And for the first and probably last time for a VERY long while, I bought a $20 skirt. (Might be the shorterst one ever too. Uhm...no actually no. I remember I once wore a green plaid skirt that was my hand's length up my leg. NEVER AGAIN.) EW. Oh but I do love Charlotte Russe. The shirt is actually sorta wacky (ARG I hate diagonal stripes), but big whoop, it'll be dark anyways. I just hope it's considered semi-formal. Otherwise...WHOOPS.

Gotta swim tomorrow. Craptastic. My hair almost looks about dreaded up from all the chlorine and whatnot. *GAG* Going to get my hair did tomorrow too. Uhm...exciting. I wish my mommy could do it though. I still think she does it best, in terms of EVERYTHING. Yep.

I am SOO tired. I actually don't feel it yet, but the moment I get to 2nd block, I will. I woke up a little bit before study hall today and I was swearing that I was going blind in my right eye. It was scary, even though come to think of it, it has happened before. Maybe sleeping with a hood on under blankets is bad for you.

Well, nothin' much to tell. Nighty!

P.S. I think I'm experiencing emotional distress. I want SO badly to be affectionate, but...why is it so difficult?

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Day # 30

Uhm yea. If you couldn't tell, I edited the layout so that it is centered instead of on the right. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, now there is a huge gap under all the content. I haven't figured out to fix that and probably won't until I make the effort to make a new layout altogether, so please ignore that for now. Thanks. On second thought, there were even MORE errors, so for now, the layout will remain the same. Centering will be a project for next time.

Progress on the homecoming outfit. One of the freshies had a striped shirt. But now, for the BOTTOM. What kind of skirt do you get for something like that? I might get fishnet stockings. I can't find my freaking shoes from last year, so I have to run over to Parade before that sale ends, preferably. Poo. Oh yea. And Party City for a pirate hat... 3 days now. People are so excited to meet 'im. To the point where it's like...omg stfu. MINE.

We got our interims at some point this weekend. Not too happy with my Stat and Phy grades. I HATE math with a passion. But we still have another quarter for me to pull that up before we get our first parking period report cards. Yep. I'm being CHALLENGED. And ew. I have an A- in English. Wtf is that? I have to get an A on the next essay.

The Korean girl, Grace, asked me to try to draw her today. Try is the key word here. It sucked. Practice. EGH. I think I'll bring in my DigiCam tomorrow and snap a shot of 'er so I can practice in a much more comfortable setting. I was getting a little annoyed knowing that the others were breaking their necks to stare at my lack of talent. Poo.

Well. I'm out. Hmm...I need a theme for the next layout.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Day # 29

Nope. None.

Wow. Almost a month of school done. By tomorrow, there will only be 150 days remaining. And that's supposed to go by oh so fast. Am I ready? Time will tell. Speaking of tomorrow, we have a THREE HOUR DELAY! (Poor Sophmores) School should really open that same time everyday. It's a given fact that teens' clocks function like 11 PM bedtime, 9 AM wake up. Or something like that. I hope my sister's ok. I ought to call, but I haven't found my cell phone's charger. So responsible.

4 DAYS UNTIL HOMECOMING. And I haven't a clue what to wear. I went to the mall today, only to find NOTHING. I got some ideas, but I don't know if they'll work. And I have to find my shoesies. I have no idea where they went. I hope I didn't leave them at home. FISHNET STOCKINGS ARE SO EXPENSIVE. I hate shopping, especially for specific things. New news - my best bud is coming to homecoming and that makes me even more nervous than I was before. I can't exactly put my finger on why. Maybe because I care too much about what she thinks. I'll get over it. In the end, it doesn't even matter.

Well, I'm done now. Nighty.

Wow. Just Wow.

Minor updates. I added the results to my latest review from Honest Truth Reviews You care.

I should be asleep. But I'm not, for a number of reasons. I slept alot this weekend, number one. Number two, CRAZY PEOPLE. When someone goes and does something you never expected them to do, something dangerous, especially someone so dear and close to your heart, everything gets thrown off balance. I feel like it's all my fault. Because I don't call enough? Because I don't write? Because I'm not there? Why would you go and do something like that? How would it solve your problems? Couldn't you reason that it'd only make matters worse? I can't believe that. My little sister. What were you looking for in that place? There was no way for you to find solace there. Why couldn't you have just picked up the phone? I can't believe how easily it was allowed to happen. I can't believe I didn't really know she felt that way. Why couldn't she just tell me? I tried to talk to her about it. And she just closed up. Great, that helps. Another thing to scramble my brain. At least she's ok. But now I really have to talk to her. Geez.

The trek to Conneticut definitely helped to open my mind a bit with this college thing. Now to get it down on paper.

Crazy people.