Day # 125

I have not touched this thing in a very long while. Such will probably remain as the truth since Blogger hasn't really been loading in Firefox, and I prefer it to Internet Explorer. I will probably wind up sinking into Wordpress or something once I get the new domain. It feels good to just start over fresh sometimes. It really does...

Spring Break was one lazy blur. I did absolutely nothing. I saw The Incredibles and Hackers. The Incredibles is definitely an incredible flick. I was almost urged to watch it again. And as for Hackers - "Well shit on me." That movie is SO funny. I also watched Bambi. It's one of the few classic classic (twice for emphasis) Disney films I actually like. My favorite part of the film is and always has been when the trio gets all twitterpated. Flower has always confused me, however. In the beginning of the film, it is just so easy to assume he's female. Yea... boring break. But I love my mommy. And solitude is a beautiful thing. And yet... lonesome. Do I have regrets to that which has passed since the last entry? I am young. I have little time for such things.

So cold... yes I know. Cold enough in fact to have my mother say something to me such as this: "You and your father, I swear, y'all don't know how to love or be loved." No, it was not in reference at all to the situation in the previous entry. My sister was molesting me, and I grumbled until I managed to drive her away. I don't like to be touched, especially not in a manner in which is meant to piss me off. But anyway, what struck me most with her saying that was that it is true. I am a freaking android. I am apathetic to the BONE. And whenever I do actually stop to feel something, later on, I always feel in a way, guilty - disgusted with myself. It's weird. I cannot handle intimacy.

Even people who barely know me have commented about my lack of emotion, or my so called fear of fun. It was during the National Youth Leadership Conference that a group of friends I made said, "Why don't you ever smile?" And when I finally did lighten up and do so, they felt the need to call me "Sunshine." I have never had a nickname before. I guess I have, but not a spellable one like everyone else. Short names just don't need nicknames.

I'll speak on the matter of the NYLC later. I keep saying that I will, but I just don't. With the midterm out of the way, I feel a lot more free. Now... 10+ pages on Germany... I'll deal with that in time. Now I want to get back to drawing. And a clean room...

Day # ? - Lagging...

Yes, I still have a bit of catching up to do in school, but my teachers are being rather generous in terms of giving me time. Right now, College Social Science Seminar (otherwise known as AP History) is giving me the biggest bit of hell in general. I have a midterm to study over the break and a term paper to keep in mind. It's all good, though. I'm getting a taste of the college experience on the academic scale instead of the social scale, as is what I've been getting for the last few years while living in this place. This place which I have no words for at the moment...

Lately, I have found solace only while in the presence of my best friend. It's funny, I thought I'd never have a person that significant in my life. And as I sit here thinking of the daily impact she has on me, I realize I only need one of her kind, at least for now. Best is a superlative after all, and thus there can really only truly be one who may have the title. I just don't have the room for much of anyone else at the moment. It's this I wish I'd realized before I threw myself into this trap they call a boyfriend. I know it sounds harsh, but the way I've been feeling on and off since August certainly cannot be summed up as happy. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep hoping that it's something else and that this feeling will go away. I'm just not meant to experience this type of relationship right now. It just can't work. And the fact is, I don't want it to. I find that though I occasionally long for what I see in the corners, or sometimes, unfortunately, in the open, of the corridors of my high school building, I know that at the end of the day, having that just wouldn't make me comfortable, make me happy, make me me. This thing has only been a burden from day one. I don't want the kind of expectations that come with the title of "Girlfriend". I am a much happier individual alone. I don't have to sucuumb to anyone's ideals of what I should be and what I should do. I can just be me, fancy free, FREE with a capital f. Maybe I haven't matured to that point, but what in this world really says that I have to? I have to do this, cut this binding feeling away. Though there could very well be other factors that have been keeping me down, I know from past experience that this is the big one. Society already has enough expectations of me, and thus I don't need another. This Spring Break is when I'll do it. It could be the worst time, especially considering his mental state lately, but mine must come first, however selfish that may sound. He must accept my friendship or forget me. It may just be easier to do the latter. I'm off to college and to the South, at least with what my parents have in mind. I don't need another thing to worry about. I won't rue the day we met, or even this experience, but I must move on. Life is an experiment after all, and some things are just not possible - they just don't work - so you log the results and begin anew. Of course there are other reasosn why this particular experiment has failed. I just don't feel like I should disclose them. After all, I am not completely sure of them myself. Life is a barrel of uncertainty - that's why there is the hypothesis.

Anyway, I'm done being all metaphorical and whatnot. It's over. I can't help but begin to feel better at the thought of that notion. The anger I shed towards you daily - that was self loathing. That was me saying, why did I do this to myself? The tears I shed every once in awhile for unapparent reasons, that was me searching inside myself for the reasons I felt like crap after long spans of this binding - it was an after effect of the self loathing. I don't know. This is me trying to make sense of things. Yesterday when I was at Dave's class, the slightest bit of laughter directed towards me triggered a fit of tears. Normally such things have no affect on me. Those little kids don't have half the talent I have just yet, I know. It could have been frustration, but such a thing is too small to cry over. And when I came to the dinner table and made a mistake, which for whatever reason was amusing to the others, I should have not been crying over that. It was build up. Once again I looked to sleep for peace and when I woke up, I knew what I had to do. I called my parents and told them how I felt. And through that I found the answer. I only hope you can be mature about what I have to do. If you ever really cared about me after all, you'll understand...

Next update, I have to talk about Washington. But I just had to get this out. Until next time, toodles.

Day # ? - Gotta Get Caught Up

Yea, I've been back from the National Youth Leadership Conference since Sunday, but I've got so much that I've got to catch up on that I don't have the time to write about my exciting experience. I definitely had a lot of fun. It taught me a lot about leadership and even a little more about myself, a mystery even to the girl in the mirror. Soon as I have the time, I'll give an in depth synopsis. I REALLY need to update this thing. This layout is making me sick again... If I just change the image, it should be fine. I also need to pin down a domain name. Every time I sit down to consider purchasing it, another idea comes up. That issue, however, is for another day. Toodles!

Shards of Self

Dear Lord, I am so tired. I have been up for the past week and a half updating this thing. I've fallen asleep during class a couple of times. The squirrels in the attic haven't helped either. I just can't sleep lately. Or maybe I don't want to. There is one class in particular that's been bugging me, College Social Science Seminar, also known as AP History. By the end of this month, I have to write a minimum ten page paper on the history of Germany. Now that I think about it, I have a paper on Dalí due mid May. My teachers are trying to kill me, I swear. But even through all the stress, I've been happy, which is really the most important thing. Still, I just want school to end. It's to the point where I actually dared to cut school one day. Me, Asia, of all people. Everyone who heard was shocked. I just really needed a break. So that Friday, the 29th of April, I went over to my best friend's house and hung out the whole day. The rest of our friends eventually came too. That was absolutely beautiful. Although, I did get caught. The 11th/12th grade dean comes to my fourth block class, Graphic Design and tells me that I have a detention to serve. Of course I was more honest than I needed to be, admitting that I'd skipped the entire day and not just fourth block, so one detention turned into four. Honesty, however, sets you free. I told Kelly, the resident director of my boarding home, and she was so much in shock that it didn't turn into anything. She was extremely happy that I told her instead of trying to plot and find a way out of it. So then I went to school today and negotiated with the dean. He agreed that because I was so honest, I could be cut a break. So now the detention is down to one. Well, I have to say I'd like to try (almost) everything once, and the experience certainly wasn't a negative one. It's been fun. Well, I've got some work to do, so I'll be going now. Thanks for visiting!