Yesterday I had a pounding headache which didn't go away until I woke up this morning. Sleeping at the other end of the bed has very strange affects on my sleeping habits. Anyway, although I have been pretty healthy in the physical sense of the word, my mental condtion has been rather waverly. I haven't really been much of myself, and I become a bit of a recluse until I step foot out of this house. The instant I'm in again, unless I am so into whatever it is I am doing to entertain myself, I feel weighed down again. It's sickening, really. It sort of drags on into school too, unless, as previously stated, I am utterly distracted. I'm so bored sometimes, though, the only real solace I find is in sleep.
In a word, I have been a little depressed these days. I don't know why, but I've been examining everything as a possible cause, particularly certain relationships. Sometimes I feel so distant from my family, from a lot of people really. I'm starting to think that keeping myself from going home that 4 / 5 (if I participate in Senior Skip Day) day weekend wouldn't do me any good. Being pent up in this house is unhealthy.
I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, to other people. Kathleen was telling me how this boy from my freshman year is totally different, how he denies ever being interested in me in the same manner that I do (As in, "What're you talking about? That never happened!"), how he's suddenly a "bad boy." It's funny, because he used to ask me, "Why don't you like me? You want a bad boy, don't you?" Though I wasn't really clear about my reasoning then, I know now that my freshman year, especially since it was one in a very different environment, away from home and family, and constantly surrounded by a new kind of people, I could not have ever been ready to accept his request. And besides, I was still very paranoid about boys then. Somehow, deep down, I think that's still the case. I find I've always been one to enjoy the chase, but not exactly the capture, when all the excitement is over. I see that I find boys more interesting as a spectacle to be viewed from afar (i.e., out of the binding agreement that is the relationship.) Being the one chased down is not exactly fun either, especially when the interest is out of balance. There have been a number of crazy boys to have ever liked me long before I was interested in guys. What they saw in me then is definitely unfathomable. Now, I guess I'm ok, but, you still have to be crazy or be looking for something totally off of my personal agenda. But after much contemplation in this depressed state, I'm wondering if relationships in their entirety should be removed. I don't mean friendship and interaction with people, but you know, that kind.
This is the same thing that happened as expressed in an entry written November 8th, 2004. I removed it (though I still have it in draft form), hoping the feelings would pass, and sure enough, they did, eventually. But every now and then, they return. I was reading something on my guidance counselor's board last week, and it mentioned how depression rates are increasing at an alarming rate on college campuses. Though the article was probably fairly old, it has yet to be rendered false. At the very end of the article, it said something about bipolar depression, something like how someone only experiences the extremes - either they are really happy or really sad. Sometimes I feel that way, although most of the time I feel stuck somewhere in between - apathy. It could all be in my head. I really do need to get my hands on some comfort food soon or I may just go MAD. Gelatos are delicious, btw.
Speaking of which, my AA and I went to see a ballet on Sunday, the main feature being "Nine Sinatra Songs." The other two features were 11:11 and something about Waltzs. Male ballerinas are rather amusing. Talk about immaturity.
Know that it hasn't only been you in tears. I've been going through some shit too.
Artichokes are just like, BLAH. Like stringed beans.
I cut myself today. I didn't even notice it for a while, though. I really should not be allowed to cook. I am just too much of a freaking klutz.
This entry is pretty darn random. In other news, before I close this one out, layout progress is steady. I just need to create a main image. At first each page was going to load a new image, sort of like, Celesse's site, but without the magic of tables, but I find I don't have the patience to do that, especially considering the theme for the upcoming layout. I hate Valentine's Day. Peace out.
