Lately, I have found solace only while in the presence of my best friend. It's funny, I thought I'd never have a person that significant in my life. And as I sit here thinking of the daily impact she has on me, I realize I only need one of her kind, at least for now. Best is a superlative after all, and thus there can really only truly be one who may have the title. I just don't have the room for much of anyone else at the moment. It's this I wish I'd realized before I threw myself into this trap they call a boyfriend. I know it sounds harsh, but the way I've been feeling on and off since August certainly cannot be summed up as happy. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep hoping that it's something else and that this feeling will go away. I'm just not meant to experience this type of relationship right now. It just can't work. And the fact is, I don't want it to. I find that though I occasionally long for what I see in the corners, or sometimes, unfortunately, in the open, of the corridors of my high school building, I know that at the end of the day, having that just wouldn't make me comfortable, make me happy, make me me. This thing has only been a burden from day one. I don't want the kind of expectations that come with the title of "Girlfriend". I am a much happier individual alone. I don't have to sucuumb to anyone's ideals of what I should be and what I should do. I can just be me, fancy free, FREE with a capital f. Maybe I haven't matured to that point, but what in this world really says that I have to? I have to do this, cut this binding feeling away. Though there could very well be other factors that have been keeping me down, I know from past experience that this is the big one. Society already has enough expectations of me, and thus I don't need another. This Spring Break is when I'll do it. It could be the worst time, especially considering his mental state lately, but mine must come first, however selfish that may sound. He must accept my friendship or forget me. It may just be easier to do the latter. I'm off to college and to the South, at least with what my parents have in mind. I don't need another thing to worry about. I won't rue the day we met, or even this experience, but I must move on. Life is an experiment after all, and some things are just not possible - they just don't work - so you log the results and begin anew. Of course there are other reasosn why this particular experiment has failed. I just don't feel like I should disclose them. After all, I am not completely sure of them myself. Life is a barrel of uncertainty - that's why there is the hypothesis.
Anyway, I'm done being all metaphorical and whatnot. It's over. I can't help but begin to feel better at the thought of that notion. The anger I shed towards you daily - that was self loathing. That was me saying, why did I do this to myself? The tears I shed every once in awhile for unapparent reasons, that was me searching inside myself for the reasons I felt like crap after long spans of this binding - it was an after effect of the self loathing. I don't know. This is me trying to make sense of things. Yesterday when I was at Dave's class, the slightest bit of laughter directed towards me triggered a fit of tears. Normally such things have no affect on me. Those little kids don't have half the talent I have just yet, I know. It could have been frustration, but such a thing is too small to cry over. And when I came to the dinner table and made a mistake, which for whatever reason was amusing to the others, I should have not been crying over that. It was build up. Once again I looked to sleep for peace and when I woke up, I knew what I had to do. I called my parents and told them how I felt. And through that I found the answer. I only hope you can be mature about what I have to do. If you ever really cared about me after all, you'll understand...
Next update, I have to talk about Washington. But I just had to get this out. Until next time, toodles.
