I feel better now. I went to speak with my guidance counselor today and he said the worse case scenario right now for me could be going to Bryn Mawr. And at this moment, it may just be the best case since I always have to stop and think awhile about whatever else is on my college list. He doesn't want me to feel like I'm settling for Bryn Mawr, but instead, that I really love it. I haven't even stepped into a classroom yet, so there can't be much room to destroy my opinion of the place, especially knowing how prestigious the place is.
Some point in the conversation, he was saying how I haven't found my spark, that one thing that will trigger excitement in me. I can understand where that came from. I rememeber when one of the fellows from the boy's house was saying that I didn't display my emotions. It kind of shocked me then when he made that conclusion, especially considering the fact that he'd known me for the shortest time and had been the first to really say it to me that way. It sort of came up before with what I remember one of the seniors of my freshman year saying something like, "Yo Asia, you don't ever get excited about anything. Like, I never hear you be like, 'Yo this is my song!'" Well...I was pretty indifferent toward the music I was being fed...and then there was rock...which is another, complicated story (that I barely understand myself) that came up in the conversation with the guidance counselor.
But to keep the story on track, I am pretty neutral toward everything. Either that, or there are two extremes, though I may not care to express them properly or at all. I either like you or I don't. I have the hardest time in the world being affectionate (though it's easier for me to put in writing - which is the case with everything - which is why I may appear to be an entirely different person online) and then when I do try to express that need to give off affection, it's usually to the wrong person, in the wrong way. There's a girl in the house that I tend to poke and prod at, pulling her hair, moving her things out of her reach - you know, little things to annoy her. I usually do that when I miss family,'im, and friends, which is actually kind of often now that I think about it...
The first time my best friend tried to give me a hug I felt SO odd. Then there's the not so quite best friend that I'm sort of mean to but for whatever reason keeps trying me who asks for hugs and I deny her most of the time. Andii is a different case. Somehow I've managed to become comfortable hugging her but when anyone else asks, it's like...no. Even if I actually like them. Though if I think about it, I have been getting a lil' better with that whole ordeal. I am SO afraid of physical contact and yet...I crave it. NO I'm not talking about SEX. I mean just being close to someone. But I believe I may not be far off from having erotophobia. Just the thought of it makes my skin crawl (is that fear or something else like...lust?). Still, I am ever curious. WHO isn't? Though they don't leave much up to the imagination on the BOOB tube these days.
Maybe I think about it too much. Maybe it's more of agraphobia in the end (if such a thing exists). I feel like I have been fed with so many precautions that I can't do anything. Every once in a while, being the good girl sucks. Although apparently, the good girl is simply a bad girl that doesn't get caught... ;) KISSING GETS YOU PREGNANT!!! What an amusing discussion that was. So if kissing is sex, then hugs are...kissing? So then what is sex itself?! Giving birth?! Though it probably feels better than that. XD Ugh. Crazy, crazy, crazy just thinkin' about you lately. KC & JoJo? I think. And they say guys always have it on the brain. I say females think about it just as often, just not the pursuing part of it, or perhaps the pleasure part. All creatures, after all, have this need to continue to exist, so it's in that brain somewheres. Rambles - my brain is in shambles.
Weird the way these entries progress. Back to the apathy thing, I tend to keep my excitement to myself because...well...there's just rarely anyone I can relate to, to share it with. Those few people are kept away in further places where people don't get to see. Like...at the CAC, I am loud and almost crazy (though I've calmed downed alot this year because of a steady decline in either faith in my artistic endeavors or maybe interest alone). Then...so much energy goes into being overexcited. I kinda like for it to be serene. That does get boring after awhile, but I don't have to bring the excitement to the table. Yea...I pretty much don't get hype about anything. If there is anything I can say I'm truly passionate about...maybe it's the very thing you see before you. I don't do it out of boredom...I truly enjoy it, particularly the layout switching part. But with indecision constantly plaguing me, I just don't believe that I know. Arg.
Again, again, again - chopped phone calls. He's starting to worry me too. The trouble with getting involved with someone else is that all their problems, or rather, what they'll allow, get added onto your own. It's a contract that way. ELEVEN DAYS. That's bad in terms of all the work I need to get done - good in terms of homecoming. Ugh. Thinking about that is raising calamity as well, on both the good and bad end. Geebus. G'nite.
