At first, I wasn't going to write today. School is running back on track with the whole "same shit, different day" motto. I forget what movie that is... I don't even know that I've seen that movie... Anyway yea.
If anything was interesting today, it was Partnership. I like how Faith is trying to bring certain matters to the surface and have them squashed, although I don't think she's found the right way to go about it yet. In the end, it was just a bunch of chicks moaning and groaning about a bunch of petty things. That's the way it is with the African American population in my school, almost across the board.
Sad, I feel like I can relate to none of them. Even sadder, I don't want to. I get that same empty kind of feeling when I go back home, that I can never have someone to just be able to sit down and talk to and feel like they understand me to the fullest. I think if I hadn't somewhat "converted" my sister and might-as-well-be-my-sister-younger-aunt to rock, I would have been feeling even crappier than I do when I'm back there. Sure, sure, I know I've got people who love me, but...sometimes, it doesn't feel like enough. Maybe this is homesickness.
I'm so used to not having that kind of attention that I push it away, afraid of getting too familiar with it again and then having to deal with its absence. Then, like always, ma and pa are right - having Noah has only raised the toll. Although, I'm not always sure I have him. Sometimes I feel like I will never be enough, that I am just being settled for. Then there are those who ask me, is it ever the other way around?
This is why it takes about an hour for me to get to sleep every night, why it's difficult for me to concentrate in school sometimes, why I can't ever just sit there and have fun. I think too much. Somehow, this blog has become a requisite to sanity. If...that even makes sense. Whoo. Angsty. Good night.
