WTFH

Ok. Ok. Ok. My heart is racing right now. It could be the music. It could be the gallons of caffeine that I've consumed today. (Yes I'm exagerrating but since I don't have any that often, it feels like I've had that much.) Or it could be the fact that for the first time in my life, I've discovered that someone I care about has suicidal tendencies. This is something I joke about everyday. When I'm under stress, alot of the time, I'll say something stupid like, "Ok, I'm going to jump off of the roof now!" It's only a joke. It's never even crossed my mind to ever do something to hurt myself. Whether it's by God's hand or some other higher power or not, I have been placed here for some reason (I hope?), though I have yet to understand what that is. (Ugh, don't get me started on religion. Not that I'm an athiest.) For me to just give up or ever think to would be disgraceful. But wait, now that I think about it, someone I know has been through this before. I witnessed it almost first hand. I kind of displaced it from my mind. That's just one of this world's realities that I just don't understand. Sure, you can have a miserable life, but... this thing... it's like it's some sort of fad. Face the facts, your life can't be that bad. I mean c'mon! You have clothes on your back, a roof over your head, sufficient food and water (that you really don't take advantage of), a healthy body (that you're destroying), and if not anyone who loves you, someone who cares about you (Hello?). So you don't like your mother. You don't like your siblings, your father, your cousin, or your "friends", and sadly, though I can't possibly understand why, you don't like yourself. Ok, fine. Apparently I can't do anything to convince you otherwise. You like me. There is something in your life to look forward to, unless you've been lying. How can you say you love me if you would dare think of denying me of you? Maybe you don't know what it really is about. Maybe becase you've been denied of it for so long. Maybe I'm going to worsen things. But I'm sorry. I just want you to know that I care. I guess I knew all along. I wondered, but I suppose I repressed the thought. I don't know what to do with this type of thing. Why would you do that? Why? ... Good night. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.