Numb

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<< She - Green Day >>

I suddenly realize how much I can relate to that song...

Uhm... I can't do anything. Stress to the max. I feel like some sort of empty shell. I'm just here to uphold all these expectations, all of which I don't want to fulfill. Let me guess... I won't hear from you for a while. Ever? Was I that evil? But what is that supposed to mean? I was thinking of all this mistrust coming from my parents this past break. And I realize... I have plenty of it too. Yea, that's right. I don't trust you. I don't trust a lot of people. Unless I know them. You know what that means, right? I don't know you. And yes, I have been pushing you away. Does that mean I don't want to get to know you? No, that's definitely not the case. It's just that at this point - when it comes down to these situations - I don't know myself. That doesn't make sense, does it? Yes, I know I'm itchy in these situations. I know I can't handle them properly. I don't know how to. I feel like I'm constantly wallowing in paranoia. What I don't know about myself is why. Why can't I just dismiss it if it makes me so miserable? I've been told that I'm too trusting, too guillable for certain things. What about being too mistrusting? Maybe I'm not REALLY all that mature. I am such a child when it comes to these matters. And yet... not? I was thinking of that psychologist person they had us seeing my sophmore year. I thought it was a huge joke but - we all need a little psychiatric help sometimes because we're all a little crazy. I just need to talk to someone. And it can't be you. And unfortunately, this thing isn't working. Eh.

Oh well. I'm sick of talking. Maybe my buddy will make me feel better. Tomorrow. If she's there. G'nite.

Mean Girl

Ok. Here's a warning, in case you care. The site may not be updated within the next few days for a number of reasons:

1. College, college, college, college, college.
2. Catching up on school work.
3. I'm sick of this layout and am working on another.
4. I'm helping someone else with a layout.

There ya go. If I do write, you got lucky.

So break is over. As I said before, I hate the shorter breaks. It's harder for me to accept going away. Yea, I may put on this facade that I don't care about this thing, but I do. It's gotten worse with each year, actually. As the end draws near, I become a recluse. I pretty much shut everyone out until I get over it. How long that takes varies. But thanks to certain folks, I feel better. You know what... never mind. I keep thinking about the conversation I had in the car with Brad when he dropped us all off one by one after homecoming. Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm just crazy. Or... nah.

Anyway, as uneventful as breaks may be, they still mean a lot to me. My sister and I stayed up one night to watch Mean Girls together. Then later Mom joined us to watch White Chicks. We all kind of fell asleep on it, though, mostly because it was late. Hmm... Dad doesn't join in enough. It seems he excludes himself sometimes.

Well, I haven't got much of a will to write anymore. I was being a total bitch all weekend. PMS is a POWERFUL thing. As is homesickness. Among other things. G'nite.

Happy Thanksgiving

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Happy Thanksgiving everyone! So I'm home. I hate when the breaks are short like this. It's such a teaser. Right now - my head hurts. I tried starting an essay earlier, but I failed miserably. I am ALL alone. I could be out right now, but I'm too afraid to ask for permission. Eee. I am SO mean. I DID warn you, though. Forgive me?

Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let It Go

Latest affiliate, Kirstie added! Also, sadly, another one was taken off. Her site has been down for some time now. Hopefully those three will get back to me eventually. Other affiliate links have finally been updated as well.

I haven't got the slightest clue why, but that song has been running through my head. Anyway, I was talking with my mums and dad and I think it is just so... I dunno what to call it, but they have all these misconceptions about him. It's like they're trying to find every reason to mistrust him. I know it's only because they care, but WOW.

So my traveling plans are settled and I am finally over the Friday essay thing. I just feel bad about having asked my teachers. Eh. I have no clue how much money to bring. Taking a whole Benji seems likes an overload. Maybe half is good. I dunno. I need about 30 bucks for transportation (probably more) and then I wanted to go shopping with my sister. Can't do much with 20 bucks these days, unfortunately. I ought to spoil her, though. I'm so mean to her sometimes. My tone on the phone with her at times is so disgusting. But she still loves me, and for that I am beyond thankful. <3

Well, I'm off to check up on the laundry. I still have to pack and as I do so, the statistics test I have to take tomorrow shall plague my mind. Eee. Nighty!

Cry

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Uhm... Now I'm almost completely convinced that this Friday gig is not going to happen. It just can't. My parents have added two more essays to my agenda for something over the summer in Washington. Is it really due so soon or is someone trying to kill me? My heart sank, just a little. It doesn't bother me much to be locked up in the house for the whole break, after all, in years past, that has pretty much been the deal, voluntarily. I'm a homebody. But three essays? No way. This is not going to be much of a break at all I reckon.

I feel bad now, not because of the house thing, because now there are other people's feelings to consider. (I'm never specific because you ought to know who you are.) I know I can't make that into a big deal without being scorned. So it can't be a big deal. You'll just have to... deal with it. Sorry. I did warn you where academics place on my agenda. I'm not saying it's all off, but it pretty much could be. ;_;

Day # 54

I have a feeling that the December layout shall be delayed and/or completely different from what I'd planned. I found some other ways to challenge myself besides the centering project - mostly PHP stuff. As for the theme, I wanted to do something dark, to represent the coming of winter. The fact that the layout would be dark wouldn't have much to do with my dislike of the season, but how much I think the different seasons each represent different ranges of emotions. Or something. Winter I associate with sadness. Not that I'm sad at the moment.

Just horribly busy, crazed with the thought of completing a college app within less than three days. Geebus. I've gotten some of the other gears to start moving, though the most important one has barely begun to turn. I've already done this essay so many times in some shape or form, so why am I feeling like it's going to be so difficult? I guess I need to stop thinking about it and just get it over with. There's nothing to it but to do it, eh?

Then, there are other things in the way. Laundry, packing, studying for a statistics test, settling my transportation plans, etc. Obviously, at the moment, I am wasting plenty of precious time. And so, given that, I shall end this entry. I may or may not be back for further reports later tonight. Until next time, buh bye!

Day # 53

Occasionally, after I read an older entries and find something interesting I've said, I get a new idea for another layout. Note to self - see second to last line in previous entry. Also, newest affiliate will be added soon.

Sometimes when I look back on all my whiney, bitchy, ranting entries, I just wanna delete them all. However, that would create a false image of perfection. Everyone has their bad days, and for me to ignore them would be wrong. Besides, writing about them always gets me thinking about all the stupid things I do. It allows me to reflect and at least make a personal effort to change. I try to write from my heart and not so much from my head (which explains grammar issues and all the things I'd never say). That way, I discover things about myself I didn't even know. Or at least, didn't understand enough to place into vocal words. This thing is a tool. I love technology.

Speaking of which, we read a very interesting article during English today. It was mostly about the near imperceptible impacts of new technology. The author gave the example of the clock, how it was originally created to allow the monks perform daily rituals in a timely, accurate manner, and how it became a tool to control the actions of men. It's funny, almost everything we've done in that class has somehow related back to The Matrix, at least in my mind. Do we control the machines or do they control us? I like movies that get me to think about the future, like A.I.: Artificial Intelligence, I, Robot, etc. Anyway, it mentioned some greek guy, a king of some sort, Thamus, who had an inventor, Theuth I think his name was, come to him with his inventions for... inspections of sorts. One that Theuth came up with was writing. Good old writing. Thamus went on to mention the downfalls of writing - that it would change what we perceived as knowledge, the way our memories functioned, etc. The author, Postman, I think, went on to say that technology creates two groups - of losers and winners. That those competent in using these technologies would be seen as wise while they could be complete idiots. Yea, I won't bore you any further, regardless of how interesting I thought it was. I did a little searching and the article is from a book called Technopoly: The Surrender of Culture to Technology by Neil Postman. The article I made reference to above is called The Judgement of Thamus. I belive it is from the very beginning of the book. Wow... my memory does function.

Uhm... I got a startling offer today. How much do you want to bet that I can write a competent essay and complete an entire college application and CSS profile by Friday? My faith is fleeting. I think I've given up by now. But as Carol said, it wouldn't hurt to start anyways, regardless of how far along I get. It has to be finished eventually.

Uhm.. I'm a little tired. I realized that through all my ranting yesterday, I forgot to write much about my weekend. Friday into Saturday, I spent the night at Andrea's. We read manga aloud together (mostly me since I hadn't read it yet) , only to discover that it is impossible for me to read aloud without sounding like an illiterate moron. And yet, I offer to read during class. Maybe it was the silly voices I was trying to read in, or the face that book was right to left. Anyways, I slept soundly and for once in my life, I remembered a dream. Again... meaningless and yet nostalgic. I was on the stoop of my old home in Queens. The day was kind of grey, though I'm not sure it was raining. For whatever reason in the world, Brandon Boyd, the lead of the band Incubus was walking past my house, umbrella in hand, and I shouted something like "Mr. Boyd, can I have your autograph?" He nodded... or something, and I asked the neighbors next door (their house was dark and weird) for a slip of paper and a pen. I turned around and Mr. Boyd was gone. So I ran up the block until I came to this highway sort of area that had tons of people walking all over the place. It was kind of like a futuristic New York... though I can't remember the buildings. I finally gave up and stopped, Andii running towards me, smiling like she always does. Then, it was over. WTF does any of that mean? Well - maybe they don't mean much. It is human nature to analyze everything that has us thinking otherwise. The setting was recurring, as it is in most of my dreams. I remember the last dream in that setting being at night, though. Or something like it. It's all so very weird.

Well, I think I ought to be heading to bed now. G'nite.

Barf

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Great titles these days, huh? Yea. I am stuffed. We had our little pre Thanksgiving tonight. I made collard greens, as I did last year. Seemed that they were missing something. Mama knows best.

After dinner, the fun part is always cleaning up. I was writing an email, arguing with a fellow ABC student about interracial relations and whatnot. I was in a bad mood first of all, mostly because of his pessimistic views, and partly because I was feeling lazy and fat. Feeling lazy and fat is only good if you get to sleep it off. But then the head RD comes to ask me to do something. It was a general sort of thing. I kinda kept typing and ignored her. Sure, rude, ok. But this whole deal of yes and no... I feel if anyone is worthy of my respect 24/7 it is my parents, that extending to my grandmother. Oh SURE, you're the adult, strangers will perceive it differently and blah blah blah. I have mood swings, maybe a little more often than the norm. Give me a break Ms. Perfect. It's so annoying how she takes everything back to herself. YES there is the golden rule - do unto others as you would have done to you. But that kinda stuff happens to me everyday of the week and I don't go off crying about it (much). Get over it. Geebus. Thank God for senior year. Or whatever.

I'm done ranting. I guess I was at fault. I'm always at fault. RUDE is a part of my personality. It's ingrained, after all the assholes I had to deal with. I've always been this way. And frankly, someone who is as close to insignificant as you is not going to change a damn thing. Just leave me alone. I learn best by example. As bitter as it may be, sometimes I do need a taste of my own medicine. Good night.

Puke

Katie got a domain. Like, OMG. I feel compelled to make a fan layout. WHOO HOO. But... seeing as to how I am a slacker...

I don't get stuff done. Like IMPORTANT stuff. I'm going to die sometime this weekend. My AA is coming to help me deal with college stuff. @_@ Kill me now. I can't wait until Saturday knowing it's coming. Yes... if ONLY I could do one app and be DONE. I am SO in the green zone for Bryn Mawr. I've done everything correctly! Almost. *Sigh* I like the roof... Good night. :)

Day # 51

December is nearly here. Got to get to coding. And designing.

AND COLLEGE ESSAYS. Asia, snap out of the slackage NOW. I am so tired so tomorrow I will probably just sleep until we have to go to Shakirah's play. Strath Haven drama is AMAZING.

Once upon a time I had acting endeavors. It was rather minor though. We did a little skit for this selection in a book we read. It was something about animals. I was the rabbit and I had to jump up when the snake came. I remember almost exactly how hilarious that was. Those days, however, are gone. I have stage fright. I've been on the stage a few times, to read stuff. According to others, though, I am getting better at public speaking. *shrugs*

Today. Nothing particularly special. I almost didn't get up to go to the CAC. I was SO tired. There's something nifty about sleeping with your clothes on. It's just completely different from wearing PJs.

I'm feeling uncreative again. Whenever I have a splurge of crap in my sketchbook, I just want to toss the whole darned thing. It's good I'm nearly done with it. I'm on page 52 or something and there are only about 75.

Thanksgiving. Round the corner. Six days. Or five if you're weird. XP Five especially if I get to cut Wednesday down. Pray. Ok, buh bye!

Day # 50

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OMG. I have just finished reading Peach Girl. That makes me SO sad. Why isn't it an anime yet?! It would do well as a live action drama as well I think. The characters are so real! I'm not one to cry over books and movies, but I did occasionally feel that heavy sort of pang at the base of my eyelids. I LOVE this manga so much. It's just like... *spasms* Ok. I'm done.

Today there was a Coffee House at my school. Basically, in the library, students and teachers alike sip coffee and hot cocoa as they watch their peers perform. The highlight this year was this one kid (I have no idea what he is - he looks like some strange sort of mix) who did a Green Day song. And the best part was that he sounded almost exactly like the lead. As for the other folks - egh. There was this one kid who had the distortion really high and was playing a bunch of random crap and "singing" in that deep, shrill, dark kind of way, meanwhile kicking stools and stands down. It was freaky. He would not listen for anything in the world when they asked him to end his gig so the next one could start. So this one kid came up behind him and cut it off for him. What a relief. He made me kind of nervous - he had this "I could kill you" kind of look to him too. The music added to that appeal as well. Another kid did a monologue. It pissed me off that he felt the need to curse. I had NO idea what he was talking about either. Everyone, including myself, was being quite rude during that performance. I lost interest the second he cursed, though. That was so not necessary. It's thanks to kids like that that we only had like one Coffee House last year. So anyway, good old Dan, Dave and... other people went. To be honest... Dan can't sing. I left for that one, though I both recognized and liked (sorta) the song. I remember way back when that after Dan played at the Coffee House, he suddenly had a wild pack of fan girls. I found that to be quite amusing. That kid is SO tall. And lanky. It's kinda scary. I don't remember when this was, but a teacher and some student chick played stuff on the banjo and cello (or viola/violin?) thingamajiggers. I don't know my musical instruments. *shrugs*

Yes, yes... what else happened today... Nada mucho. Maybe I'll remember something later, since this entry is kind of early. For once in my life I did my homework EARLY in the day. I finished my Physics homework after the quiz in class, started my Stat homework, came home, greased my hair since my scalp was so sore, went to Borders to buy Peach Girl 9 & 10, came back to finish my Stat homework and blah, blah, blah.

Speaking of hair, this one chick was making a comment about another chicks hair. Clearly, there was a difference in their hair, but honey, if my hair was your texture, even as frizzy as it is, I would be thrilled. It's just funny because she doesn't know it could be worse. At least the comb won't snap in half if she tries to run it through her hair after a swim or a wash. Ok, I'm exagerrating (or not) but c'mon. We humans are such silly creatures. Always wishing to be something and someone else. "We" includes me by the way.

Alright, I'm off. SHAZZPOT. I forgot to tape Jay-Z and Linkin Park again. Pfft. Well, it'll be running AGAIN so I guess I have time. Once again, I'm off, to shower, clean my room, whatever. Sayonara.

Day # 49

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Tomorrow will be the 50th day of school. 130 days remain. That is amazing. Senior year DOES go by so fast.

I should so be asleep. I did nap for a bit today, about 3:30 to 7:30, since I knew I'd be pulling an all nighter, but right now, I can feel my eyes starting to burn. What kept me up? For English, we had this group project to do. I had everyone in the group send me pictures relating to the different chapters in the four parts of the book so that I could create a digital collage out of them. Honestly, I like the cover best. It doesn't seem so cluttered. Way to go Asia, going for the bulk of the load. It's ok, though. I love this editing stuff.

Speaking of editing, we started to work on our lunch tape in TV Productions today. I love starting to work with new programs. It's fun. I was probably foaming at the mouth. There's this blond kid who is very annoying. He's so whiney. I'm just like... stfu. The teacher CLEARLY stated "TYPE YOUR PSYCHO SCENE OUTLINES." Whether it's legible to you or not has nothing to do with anything. Rant of the day for ya. I like computers.

So now that that project is out of the way, I can look forward to cleaning my room. Unless Carol comes to put me back on track. There's only one wheel on there at the moment. I'm really thinking Bryn Mawr is the one for me. I'm really hoping Bryn Mawr is the one for me. Is it lazyness? Or am I truly passionate enough about the school to go Early Decision? I can't be THAT lazy. I mean, writing essays about yourself is fun! I find prime snippets for them in this blog almost everytime I write in it. It's so funny, how suddenly being forced to do something you like (write) makes you not want to do it. Pfft.

Well, I'm off for the night. Smoochez to all you very special people out there - you know who you are. <3

Day # 48

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<< Trapt: Trapt >> Writing and listening to music is rather distracting.

Today was an ok day. I was in a daze for a good chunk of the day. It definitely wasn't because I was tired. Sure, I got to sleep about 1 AM, but I got plenty of sleep over the weekend. I was just thinking, fantasizing. Note that by fantasizing, I never mean the kinky stuff. That'd be kind of sick. I mean the fluffy kind of stuff. Interpret that as you will. I've just been smiling all day. The l-bomb may be near completion. XP

I had to write my chatterbox, basically a dedication to all your friends that goes in the back of the yearbook every year. If I can get the file, from the computer in the library, I might just display it here. If there's anyone I know I'm going to miss a ton, it's Andrea. I've got other friends, but she's my best thus far. Yea. I'm going to cut the sentimental crap before I let it get a hold of me. Sometimes it makes me itch. In other words, it makes me uncomfortable. Like, if someone gives me a compliment, I just kind of stare at them, sort of dumbfounded. I probably blush as well because I blush for the smallest things. I'm black, so it's not as obvious, though it is a little more than usual because of the little bit of reddish tones in my skin. BLAH.

Lost track for a moment... So Andrea and I are sitting in the second foyer and this random black boy opens the door to say hello. I'm just like, wtf, do I know you? Either he was in a REALLY good mood or he caught sight of my figure (I was kind of lying on my side.) Andrea was like, "That's called hitting on you." Apparently she thinks I'm curvaceous or whatever the heck she said. I thought that was hilarious and weird. I don't mind meeting new people but... all this time? Am I that invisible? Not that I care. It's only annoying when you want people to notice you again.

I need to pick up the good old drug. We haven't read Peach Girl in a while. I wonder how well I remember the story. Something about Sae getting pregnant... I don't remember the exact cliffhanger though. I probably brought at least 7 and 8, so I'll have to check again. Reading. I read, but comics, Japanese or American, don't quite stir thought. Yea, I haven't picked up The Color Purple since that first day, but yea. I'll get to it. I must speak with my counselor tomorrow. If I can just apply to Bryn Mawr and call it a day, I will be SO happy. Then all my college worries will be over. He seems pretty confident about my getting in, so how risky would that be exactly? I still have to minimize my list, just in case I guess. But that would be so nice, to worry only about one application. Hmm... I have to register for an interview pretty darn soon. I could kill two birds with one stone and bus over to Haverford since they require interviews for those who live within a 100 mile radius. Eh. I'm a little nervous about that, though I have both witnessed and been told that Bryn Mawr interviews are very conversational. My dad is pretty good at PR. I hope I got that from him. I doubt I have, though, since I'm a nervous wreck with these sort of things.

Mmm hmm. I can't wait until my room is clean. To put it simply, it looks like crap. Half of it is clean and the other is a wreck. Deja vu ey? Yes. Trouble is motivation. That's my problem with everything. These days, I need someone to push my buttons. If I'm in a weird, sort of bored mood and can't find the things I usually entertain myself, I usually will resort to cleaning. But these days, sleep has been taking over. I hope I break out of that habit. I just need someone to disturb me on routine. Kathleen is good at that, only she does it at 11. Even 9 AM is fine. That's when the adolescent body wakes up really anyway. Yep.

I write so much in this thing. I don't know where any of this stuff comes from, though. Maybe it's part of the reason I don't have dreams. I don't leave my brain to do much interpretation while I'm asleep. Or my memory is as screwy as I thought it was. Well, I'm done. Good night.

Freedom

I'm pretty sure I've got the image down for the next layout. I'm also pretty sure that there were be music incorporated into the layout. There might just be a "Hear" page for the file. Who knows?

YES. NO MORE STUDY HALL. Do you know how happy I am? SO happy. I'm only worried about my willpower now. Tomorrow shall be the first test. Actually, Tuesday will be, since I have class at the Community Art Center tomorrow. Yep.

Know what song I've been listening to nonstop this weekend? Mario's Let Me Love You. YES. Yea, yea, OMG POP! So I'm not the big hardcore rock fan you might've thought I was. You can take the girl outta NY, but not the NY outta the girl. XD Corny, I know. But every now and then, one must return to their roots. Don't front like you don't like that song either. I wouldn't say I was THAT big on rock anyway. My tastes are much more eclectic. It's just that rock tends to be the main front that I explore.

Also been filling up my files. Hmm... filesharing. Musicians argue that it is a form of theft. People always compare it to, "Oh what if someone took your artwork?" Assuming that what they mean is to take the artwork and claim it as yout own, the issues are two different things. First of all, when you download a file, the identity of its creator remains. There is no erasing the copyright. Filesharing is more like stealing the CD out of the store or... asking for a commission, receiving it, and not paying. So yes, I do believe it's wrong. However, sometimes it is a tool for the musicians. If it weren't for friends showing me certain songs that weren't playing on the radio at that particular moment in time, lots of things wouldn't be in my CD wallet right now. And I do prefer buying actual CDs to burning anyway. The books (particularly when they have lyrics and/or posters) are nifty as well. There are pros and cons to everything, give and take.

I've actually been away from the entry for some time now and have no clue what it was I had in mind to write about. Hmm... I dunno. I'm just really happy these days, pretty much with everything. It's great. Yep... I feel so blessed. And stuff. But now, I think I ought to head to bed. Goals this week - complete english project, clean room, COLLEGE ESSAYS, etc. Good night!

Day # 47 & Bryn Mawr

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Friday I got my report card. ABBB+. Not impressive. I have way too much math in my life. And that was all for Friday.

Today Bryn Mawr and Haverford had their usual BiCollege Multicultural Program. I'd gone last year, but I certainly got different vibes this time around. As always, I love Bryn Mawr. I'm seriously considering applying Early Decision. I don't feel as passionate about any of the other schools I'm planning to apply to. The toughest school to get into on my list is probably Brown, and really the only thing that'd attracted me there was RISD. Bryn Mawr I love all the way around. Everytime I come, I try and try to find something negative about it. I dunno why, I guess that's how I tend to evaluate things. I told you this before, but seriously, I've got nothing. I've been there so many times now, two admissions officers know my name (and a number of students) already know my name. I'm so comfortable on the campus, it sometimes feels like I've been there all along. I really think that it is it. Somehow, I hope so too. As for Haverford, I can't understand why it wasn't on my list. It has many of the same plusses as Bryn Mawr (of course, minus the single sex thing), but I still don't feel the same way about it as Bryn Mawr. Still, I'm going to switch it onto the list. Yea... There is a scholarship due on Monday. I really ought to start with the essays. Yep. Think I'm gonna do that now. But first, I need to find my old work from Creative Writing. I know I have all the files on the computer, for the most part, but I'm not particularly sure that I have all the finalized versions. So off I go!

Tata.

Day # 46 ~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IESHIA! I LOVE YOU!

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I FAILED. I did not design the tee. Ashamed. I am.

The staff is still a monarchy. Do you ever WANT to hold grudges against someone but you can't? Sure, it's wrong, but sometimes it... helps. Or something. This is sad. Oh so sad. But I can't let something tear me down again.

Not even nagging. My AA called today and for a moment, my spirit was crushed. I was sitting there frowning at the computer screen. But then, I let it pass. She's only trying to help. Ya.

We watched most of Psycho in class today. And I mean the classic one. It is SO good. The activity we had to do while watching the movie was kind of annoying though, especially since I hadn't seen the movie before. Not only that, but the scenes were hard to split. Basically, we had to record everytime the scenes switched and summarize them. As always, I wrote a book. But I really like it. I haven't seen the modern rendition.

My guidance counselor is trying to reverse my illiteracy. The last book I read for myself was The Earth, My Butt, and Other BIG, Round Things. Or something of that nature. I know the author was Carolyn Mackler. Yeah. Now he suggested that I read The Color Purple. I read up to page 50 tonight. It brought back great memories of watching it with my mum. How she's always hysterical when Shug Avery (uhm... I probably got the name wrong) says, "You sho' is ugly." And when she sings that sistah song to Ceelie. And then how she CRIES at the end. My mom is BIG at crying for movies. And stuff.

I think it's almost impossible for me to write a short entry. This is kind of short, but not quite. Well, I'm gonna end it here. G'nite. Plus: OMG. The PHONE. Crap. We're going on a house trip tomorrow. I probably won't be in until late. BOWLING IS SO MUCH FUN. Sad, we're not going to Macdade. We ALWAYS go bowling at Macdade with the boy's house. How could they ruin the tradition?! Bowling always makes me miss Julianna and Mario. Mario, because he used to tease me about my gutterballs (yea, I'm good now MOFO) and Julie because we ALWAYS used to play air hockey. I won a stuffed animal for her once from the claw machine. I wish she still could've have been here and happy. She would have been my rock bud! It's all her fault in the first place! Uhm yea. I said g'nite a long time ago. Now it's official. G'bye.

One more thing: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IESHIA! I LOVE YOU! In case you forgot. <3

Day # 45

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This house is a monarchy. Although there are four individual staff members, they all might as well be one person. There is never the voice of reason. The response is alwaysd WE ARE STAFF, OUR WORD IS LAW. How is it that when there was only one woman running this house, there was generally a feeling of peace? I don't know, maybe it was by the glory of God. But then, why is it that whenever we speak to other girls from houses across the nation, they never seem to be able to relate to us? Is our house cursed? The one year we had a stable staff was my Sophmore year. Freshman year there was a new staff member almost everyday. Obviously, I'm exagerrating. Still, it's ridiculous, the amount of crap the girl's house has gone through. If the boys do have problems, they remain internal. No one would ever know. I doubt they have many in the first place. Andy and Lisa have been there forever. Maybe it's the nature of girls in general. Maybe there was some vibe going around this house. Andy used to be staff at the girl's house, but he called it quits and moved over to the boy's house. Why was that transition so easy? Are women that difficult?! When Ansa was here, he was a voice of reason, although it was not needed as often, seeing as a fairly clear sighted woman was at the head. Janine also had our backs when she was here, though sometimes the line seemed somewhat wavy. I don't know, maybe it's because I see my fellow senior badgered constantly and that because we are of the same age, I usually side with her. Still, I do try to understand the staff's perspective. Unfortunately, it always seems that they've forgotten what it's like, maybe even what this program is about. This program is about us. We should have some say and I mean that, as a whole. I feel that when one girl is having an issue in the house, it is everyone's issue. Kathleen was getting upset because Kathy was involved. Kelly kept telling her not to get the we other girls involved. Clearly though, this is our problem too. Once they have struck down the most outspoken of the girls, it seems as though they will look to another target. Now that Shayna has left the program, it's Kathleen's turn. And when we're gone? I think Shawnelle'll be next. Hopefully they'll be fortunate to have a new staff. It seems to me that there is a constant power struggle in this house. Sure, they're staff, they're the adults, the authority, and that whole shebang. But when does what we have to say matter? It seems that in terms of rules, we can only say so much. Whether that little much has an effect is a different story. Isn't this program for us? Aren't we supposed to work together? Why is it that when one of the girls is disciplined, we aren't apart of it? How can we learn to not make that same mistake? It's wrong to expect us not to. We're teens. Somehow rebellion is a part of our nature. No, that doesn't excuse it, but our perspective is entirely different. We're always being told what to do and eventually we'll just get fed up. There needs to be some insight. When Anthy and Ansa and Janine were here, it felt like we had that. Now, that's all gone. We are here to fend for ourselves. Just about the end of Sophmore year, we made a truce to keep issues amongst ourselves and workt hem out together. This is kind of like the way we're excluded from when another girl has issues, but the proportions usually seem more skewed when the staff gets involved. Trouble is, they probably can make that same argument. Still, once we started that, we realized that beef between the girls kind of died down. Suddenly, it became staff vs. girls, with a few traitors in our midst. And I think I'm done. I lost sight of what I was writing. All I know is that this house has been spinning in a vicious cycle for some time now. Somebody has to calm it. Hoepfully we can acheive some of that in the house meeting tomorrow night. The vibes are gonna be sketchy that night.

Other than that, there was more thing to get me hype today. The Linkin Park and Jay-Z thing. Amazing. End of story. I might just go get that CD. And WTF is up with Incubus and Hoobastank on the Halo 2 soundtrack?! Who the heck does video game soundtracks? Breaking Benjamin sounded familiar too. Something Benjamin, anyway.

Well, I'm done ranting for the night. Still haven't done the tee yet...heh. Mr. Styer was saying I could go into marketing with something like what I did last year and that he didn't expect me to live up to what I did then. He said that that was amazing. That felt really, really good. Still, for me to be good in marketing, I have to have good stuff going for a while right? 'Kay, g'nite.

Day # 44

Well... the next layout seems to be headed in yet ANOTHER direction. I can't seem to make up my mind. As long as I have it by Decemeber, that'll be nice. And... you care.

Linkin Park and Jay-Z. Weird combination, right? But it's real. Tomorrow at 10:30, they have some mash-up kinda show running. I think that's really interesting. Links: MTV | Official Site. Unfortunately, I have neither Real Player nor the newest version of Flash so... I have to wait. Boo hoo. Hopefully I'll get to tape it. Hopefully it'll fit on the end of the Linkin Park Makes a Video: Breaking the Habit. If not, big deal. They'll rerun it at some point. They always do. Somehow the mash-up is kind of pleasing. It's like a sign of people starting to ignore their differences. Maybe. But then again, how much of a role does money play? And... I'm done.

As I said, school is pretty much the same thing. And I really need to settle down and start my apps. December is right there, staring me in the face. And here I am with all but one of my college info sheets done - no essays. Two people asked me where I was applying today and I kinda just gave them this look and that was the end of it. That could be why my friends have stayed to such a tiny number. Because of my attitude. Oh well. When that tiny number starts to actually bother me, maybe then I'll change. Besides, I think it's better to have a small group of friends you're absolutely sure will have your back in the end than a whole squad that you barely know much about except that you hang out together.

Today after school I went to Andrea's house. She wasn't there. I knew perfectly well where she was and guessed that I'd probably be welcome to have gone over there, but I felt like it wouldn't have been very comfortable on my part. So then I walked home. It was freezing. But there was something rewarding about my little walk. It was somewhere between 20 - 30 minutes and gave me time to think. Somehow, the negative aura I was feeling just disappeared. I came in, laid on the couch until 3 and then went upstairs to sleep. That was great. And I'm glad I thought to get rid of yesterday's entry. It was just... wrong. So yea. I feel better now. Hopefully it'll stay that way. I need my sanity to get this college stuff done. Yup. I have to talk to my guidance counselor tomorrow. About what? I dunno. I need motivation.

I get to design the Turkey Bowl T-Shirt again this year. I feel special. Two years of designing the Homecoming Ticket and designing the Turkey Bowl tee. That's great. I was once asked to help with the school website, but then I was like... no. It's almost strictly about football. SCREW football. The five a's are supposed to be the arts, academics, altruism, athletics, and activites. But to Mr. Bichner, especially when I first came here, it seemed that all he had on his mind was football, football, football, band, and football. The end. Nothing else. Now that our football team is starting to suck, it seems he isn't all that that thrilled about highlighting that. Back to the other sports I suppose. Anyway, our school was in a magazine for top high schools recently. There were so many people that I knew in the pic. It's amazing how a little bit of gloss can suddenly make people attractive. It was like these people were celebrities or something. I wonder how that felt. I would have loved to have been apart of the band. I tried out for bandfront. Twice. Needless to say, I sucked and didn't quite give it my all. Still, I think it's kinda fishy that a good chunk of the minorites are shoved into the "lower class" of the bandfront - swing flags. Yes. So many years and only one has been on Danceline, which is probably the most coveted spot on the whole band. But she doesn't really count considering her mannerisms and the shade of her skin. She blended right in very well. But hey. The band is generally a good representation of the diversity of the school. Still, it has gone up quite a bit over the years, especially considering Chester's little predicament. See, there's this rumor going around that the school was built small in order to keep kids from Chester, generally minorites, from enrolling in the school. Their reply is something like, "Oh, we wanted to keep our test scores up." Basically, the higher the scores, the more money a school receives. That's backwards. Obviously if a school has high scores, they have enough materials to properly teach their students. It's the low scoring schools the traditionally don't have the money. They should probably be receiving it. Put to good use, their scores would shoot up. It's all a conspiracy in the end to keep the rich up top. And we all know who the rich are. It's sad. But true. And I'm done babbling.

It's 12 something. I still haven't drawn the t-shirt design. Having a bit of a block. I ought to get to that, eh? Well, good night.

Standby

Last night's entry has been disclosed until further notice.

Day # 43

Maybe it's headed in another direction still. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook on things in general, to try to boost my mood. So a black layout, something I'll have to be looking at quite often, may not be the best of things to post. Still, it's only a color so eh, we'll see.

My goodness. You know that dropping sensation you get in your gut when something bad happens? Well, it's not all THAT bad, but supposedly his mama called and is complaining about her bill and banning me from calling or something. AGH. Run away. But maybe this is a sign of... something. Maybe I'd been asking for a break all along. But what the heck is wrong with me that I feel stifled by something so far away? What the hell do I need a break from? Maybe it's anxiety. Whatever it is, it needs to get out of my system. I can't stay like this for long. Whatever this is, it's not happy or healthy. I haven't felt much like myself for some time now. Something is weighing me down. It all could be what's making feel so exhausted these days. It's not the kind of tired from staying up until the wee hours of the morning, but something that's affecting me on a more mental level than anything else. I feel like I have this huge negative aura following me around. As much as I try to smile and laugh it away, it clings onto me. And what's worse, when I get on the phone, it binds even tighter. WTF is that? One of the very things that served as sustenance earlier this year is now some sort of hindrance. I'm pretty sure I still like him but... this is really messed up. It's not even like I see him everyday. Maybe it's something else. Maybe it's the fact that when I'm talking to him, I know I'm not going to see him anytime soon. Maybe it's his disposition. Or mine. Maybe it has nothing to do with him at all! Maybe it's just senior year in general and having all the shit I need to do at the back of my mind. ... I need some sort of therapy. This is driving me crazy. I just need to get all of this off of my mind. I'm sorry. I'm such an ass. Maybe I am meant to be alone... Don't take that personally. Don't take any of this personally. I just need to think things through. There's just too much in the way for me to be able to do that. Now don't go passing any judgements either. I didn't say anything was anything yet. Unless... It's up to you too you know.

I might be going to bed earlier tonight. I'm feeling sick. That sinking feeling has risen to my chest. And no, I don't get heartburn, and I probably won't, especially if I haven't eaten much. Peace out.

Dying

Well... the idea I had for the next layout kinda went in a different direction. After I stopped being depressed (or at least after I thought I did), I lost interest in trying to draw something pertaining to that theme. Now, another one has come up. It'll still be pretty dark, but in a more reflective way. Or something.

Guys... I think I'm dying. Everyday, I sleep a little longer. Eventually, I'm just not gonna wake up. Kidding, of course. Still, I've been sleeping WAY too much these days. I can't explain what's making me so tired, either. Maybe I need iron. I have been craving liver, actually. Ew to you too. I like it. With onions, grits, and bacon, mama's style. Whee. The only time I ever really eat well is host family Sundays. During the week I'm just like, nyeh. Sometimes it's because I'm depressed. Most of the time it's because I'm SO finicky. I like that word.

Probably due to the excess of sleep, I've had dreams for the past few nights. The first that I can remember is that I (and other people who I recognized in the dream but can't remember now) were traveling through the city at night. For some reason our academic chair, who happens to be from Philly, was in the dream. Anyways, we were traveling in the alley ways, dodging and smacking away dynamite that was thrown at us from the rooftops of apartment buildings. The setting is recurring, though I don't remember it being that dark last time. What the heck is all that supposed to mean? Then I think the other night I had this dream that I was in my bedroom (I don't know which one - might have been my "dream" bedroom) and my dad was in there with a broom in hand. Then he said something like, "There's something under your bed," and started fishing under my bed with the broom. This HUGE gigantic rat-like thing comes out, snarling and growling and my dad picks it up with his bare hand. The thing is jerking its head around, trying to nip his hand, and he throws it out of the window. It crashes into a window on the adjacent wall and breaks it, bouncing down to the below. Freaky. WTF does that mean? The dream continued with a series of those rat creatures, but I can't remember much else. Maybe it has something to do with the annyoing squirells that scratch at our roof every once and a while. None of my dreams ever make sense. Except with recent events, I might have a hunch about what it could mean. Or maybe not. Although it's troublesome trying to think of what these dreams mean (though really all they are is your brain interpreting things or something.) I enjoy having dreams. They're interesting.

Somethings still wrong with me. I think I'm reaching that reclusive stage again. Hopefully it'll pass soon. Well, I'm off, probably to draw. Ta-ta.

Day # 42

...

First off, thank you Kafu, for always coming through. As much as I complain, it's not that difficult to please me. Actually, I take that back. It's a matter of circumstances. But anyway, thank you for making me feel better. Words can hardly express how much I appreciate you. <3

Egh. The minuses of a blog - not everything going on through your head will make the same sort of sense to someone else. A couple of mistakes with sentence structure, grammar, the works, and you've created an entirely different situation. But I'm not going to rant about that. I might just throw myself into another pitfall. NO I'm not hiding anything, dammit. Most of what's in that center paragraph I've told you before. And going back to the first sentence of that practice, I felt that maybe I'd been lying to myself about the fact that I didn't need other people for company. Is my writing that... confusing? And you should never feel bad about my insecurities. They're something that in the end I have to get rid of myself. Anyway, it'd be a waste of time trying to explain that here, especially since we'll probably wind up talking about it.

So... ya! Straight from school, I went to Andrea's house. Sure, I could have been doing a little more brushing up for the SAT II Writing tomorrow, but studying only goes so far. Besides, I've been doing things consistently this week. The brain does need a break every once in a while. Yea. So we watched Edward Scissorhands. Winona is so pretty in that movie. And Johnny, however freaky he may appear, is also pretty. There is a difference between pretty, cute, and handsome, by the way. And no, I'm not the type to obsess over celebs. I really don't do the hanging dudes on my wall thing either. It's kinda creepy to have a bunch of strangers staring at you in the darkness. At least I think so. Yea. So then after a few games of air hockey (OBSESSED), there was a bit of drama. I hate being asked for input because honestly, I think it would have been an entirely different situation in my case. But oh well, if it helps to console my best bud, I'm all ears... and stuff.

The L-bomb again and again and again. It doesn't make me feel so odd anymore. Fact is, I'm slowly starting to get used to it. And in time, as Kathleen reminds me, I'll be able to say it just the same, as if it were as natural as my name. Well, test tomorrow. G'nite.

Day # 41

...

Yes. Indeed. Thursday is high time for depression. Or something. Crazy mood swings. It went into today, but... eh. No need to dwell on it, eh? I look back on what I wrote yesterday and I'm like... wtf? I suppose I was feeding into things I shouldn't have been. Yeah. What to write...

At some point in time, I'd made up my mind that I didn't need other people for company. These days, however, I feel odd being alone. It's not like it isn't welcome sometimes, but these days I am beginning to cherish... contact more and more. OR as I said before, I crave it. CRAZY how one person can change you. Maybe I'd been lying to myself all along, just to keep my mind off of it. *shrugs*

I'm tired of writing. I have an idea for the next layout. It'll be kind of dark. Somehow black is very appealing. It's so... clean. Not the usual terms ey? Eh. Well, off I go. I should be sleep. I almost died today. But no, not the night owl. G'nite.

Day # 40

...

At first, I wasn't going to write today. School is running back on track with the whole "same shit, different day" motto. I forget what movie that is... I don't even know that I've seen that movie... Anyway yea.

If anything was interesting today, it was Partnership. I like how Faith is trying to bring certain matters to the surface and have them squashed, although I don't think she's found the right way to go about it yet. In the end, it was just a bunch of chicks moaning and groaning about a bunch of petty things. That's the way it is with the African American population in my school, almost across the board.

Sad, I feel like I can relate to none of them. Even sadder, I don't want to. I get that same empty kind of feeling when I go back home, that I can never have someone to just be able to sit down and talk to and feel like they understand me to the fullest. I think if I hadn't somewhat "converted" my sister and might-as-well-be-my-sister-younger-aunt to rock, I would have been feeling even crappier than I do when I'm back there. Sure, sure, I know I've got people who love me, but...sometimes, it doesn't feel like enough. Maybe this is homesickness.

I'm so used to not having that kind of attention that I push it away, afraid of getting too familiar with it again and then having to deal with its absence. Then, like always, ma and pa are right - having Noah has only raised the toll. Although, I'm not always sure I have him. Sometimes I feel like I will never be enough, that I am just being settled for. Then there are those who ask me, is it ever the other way around?

This is why it takes about an hour for me to get to sleep every night, why it's difficult for me to concentrate in school sometimes, why I can't ever just sit there and have fun. I think too much. Somehow, this blog has become a requisite to sanity. If...that even makes sense. Whoo. Angsty. Good night.

Mosh

No updates.

Bush is winning. That's disgusting. Four more years of CRAP. I really hope that doesn't happen, but at this moment, I have my doubts. So many people are like, "Let's move to Canada!" It seems so peaceful up there. Ugh. Have you heard Eminem's Mosh? That somehow is...empowering. Imagine. Launch has the video. Some lyrics:

And as we proceed, to mosh through this desert storm, in these closing statements,
if they should argue, let us beg to differ, as we set aside our differences,
and assemble our own army, to disarm this weapon of mass destruction
that we call our president, for the present,
and mosh for the future of our next generation,
to speak and be heard, Mr. President, Mr. Senator...

Good night. Or something.

Day # 39

No updates. Cry.

YAY. No school tomorrow. But I absolutely MUST use it towards college stuff. And maybe a little towards the hurricane aftermath that is my room. But yeh. A LEETLE. I went to sleep eightish today and woke up to write this. And what am I writing about? Hmm... Well, today was a weirdish day. It was fast and slow at the same time. And then like a moron, I forgot to tell the yearbook lady that I wanted to attempt to design a cover. THAT would make my year, especially since I have somehow managed to be completely shoved out of the editing group. Bastards. But then I'm not making much of an effort to push for a spot, am I? But really, I would love to run around in a yearbook tee at the end of the year and miss class to help organize for the assembly. Because that's all it's ever about as a second semester senior - finding as many opportunites as possible to be out of school. Really, by then you're in college for the most part, so you shouldn't have to kill yourself over school work. Most teachers are good with that. OMFG. I FORGOT AGAIN. Note to self - EMAIL DR. TEMPLETON PAPER. Slackage. How dare I ask him for a recommendation?! I could send it now but... 1 AM. NO. I MUST find something to write about for the Panther Press. I cannot leave this high school and not be published in my own newspaper (Jabberwocky would be nice too). Especially if I claim to love to write. I would need proof.

And now I'm out of things to say. Except maybe, call me. I'll be available ALL day long. Ish. Tata.

Weak Weekends

None. I need inspiration. Any requests? There is no guarantee I'll go through with them by the way... I need something FRESH. I definately want to make a new web layout, like, now. But no ideas are popping up. It'll come, in time. No weather or holiday theme, should you suggest. That's a given and has been done SO many times.

Yes. Weekend titles are getting so random and crappy. But this weekend was sorta kinda ok. I'm longing for affection again, though. But I don't really deserve what I don't really give I guess. MY GOD. The phone is not working. I'm going to die if that isn't fixed soon. No. I seriously mean DIE. And stuff. LAST WEEK OF GYM. Praise the lord. TV Productions will be fun, and I already know I have 1.5 buddies in there.

Tuesday there's no school, so I really need to sit down and start cranking out this college stuff. It's already Novemeber. That is sick. I'm going to collapse under all this pressure. Today my AA was over. She started mentioning how Kathleen was way ahead of me with this college process. That pissed me off so much. What the hell is comparing me to someone else going to do? This is MY life. What he, she, it, and the other person does is not my concern. Apparently she thought it would serve as some sort of motivation. NO. If this college thing is any sort of competition, it is against myself and a smidget between the OTHER applicants. As far as I know, Kathleen is not applying to any of the same schools that I am. So screw that. If it's going to motivate me to do anything, it'll be to ignore you. I hate it when people do that, even if it's in my favor.

I went to my best bud's house today. We had lots of candy, played air hockey (OMG AIR HOCKEY! <3), Mario Party 5, and Super Smash Bros. Melee. Then the good ol' buddy ol' pal Brad drove me home. I'm going to miss SO many people when that special time comes. Will I cry? I don't cry for much of anything, unless it's emotional. I don't mean like OMG so and so died (well, I've only been to two funerals - I think - and I didn't really feel close enough to those people to cry - and then there's apathy). It would have to have been several things that've taken their toll at once. If that makes sense. Basically, I'd have to be really depressed. Happens every once in a while and crying usually seems like the last outlet. That's as drastic as it gets. Wow. Don't worry, I'm fine. I'm relatively happy. Just bored, though I have plenty to do. I just need to get to it. SATs NEXT WEEKEND.

I really am not tired, possibly because I slept almost ALL weekend. I didn't wake up until 1 today. I definately wasn't tired, so what in the world is up with me? I'd usually have a pounding headache if I slept that long. I just need to train myself to get like 8-10 hours on the dot or something. Wake up at 9 on the weekends. CLEAN MY ROOM. But I LOVE staying up late for some reason. I also like being up for a good chunk of the day unless of course school is involved. Sleep usually feels like such a waste of time. If I didn't need it, I wouldn't do it, probably. Egh. Either way, gotta get sleep. So, nighty.