Sleepy Saturday

Finished my entry. It is such crap. But, oh well.

Today was kind of gloomy. I woke up sore in my legs and in my right knee. I have no clue why that would be the case. It was 12 and at about 2, after a failed attempt to do my chore, I went back to sleep. It wasn't so much that I was tired, but that I was bored out of my mind. I woke up again at about 4, made an omlette, and did my chore. After that, I hopped in the shower. I felt like going to sleep again, but I didn't. It was so very boring, although there are plenty of college related things I could be handling. I can't wait until Thanksgiving, for a number of reasons. Yep... Eh. Bored again. I hate it when we lose calls. Sucks. Well, I'm off, maybe to sleep. Ta-ta.

Day # 38

I don't even know about that picture so much. A light source from behind is kind of challenging. Maybe I'll fake it or something. Or not.

<< Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge >> Love that song. Once upon a time I was screwing around on Launch and I went as far back as I could in their video archive under them. Then I found out that I actually did know more of their songs than I'd thought. I believe they belong on the favorite musicians list. Yep...

So today was a pretty slacky day at school. The band had a parade to go to, so half the school was gone. That's an exagerration. But we have about 1,300 kids in our school and the band is a good third of that. We have the biggest (and the best, actually) band in the area. Random fact of the day.

After school today, we had a house trip to the Eastern State Penetentiary. They hold a haunted house, or rather, prison, there every year. They have actors running around with spooky makeup popping up at you in the dark. I wasn't really that scared, more amused, occasionally startled if anything. Screaming is SO MUCH FUN. Unless of course there's some sort of pain (or something else you should actually be afraid of) involved. Yea. So as short as it was, it was pretty entertaining. And we got SPEED passes, so we didn't have to wait on a line that traced halfway through Philly. Pfft. Philly. NYC FOR LIFE! *cough*

Not much else to write. 'Cept...I miss 'im. And I reckon this trip caused me to miss his call. Yea. Well...I'm tired. So, beddy bye!

Day # 37

Need I say it every time? Still, there is some progress with my contest entry. I inked it. At first I was going to do it on the computer, but I didn't have the patience and I doubt I'll have the time. Plus, I'm feeling kind of rusty.

So, bloody hell is good for something (even if it actually hasn't started yet). Today was the last day of being in the pool, so my hair can LAST until Thanksgiving (or perhaps longer, considering how hectic it gets)! Now all that leaves is the rain and the shower to dodge. I have one day of gym to make up, although I probably shouldn't considering the fact that all my "absences" should be excused. Still, it's only one day, so I won't complain. Or maybe I will. Who cares? I just hope he was joking about my getting a B. A B in PE is unacceptable. I'm actually kind of excited about the switch to TV Productions. Hey, that might inspire me to get into film. Or not. You just never know.

Today I went to talk to my English teacher after school so he could get to know me a little more for a college recommendation. See, I've only had him for two months, so hopefully that won't take from anything. He asked me, "Why don't you go to an Art college?" fter he asked me about my interests. I was probing my mind for an answer for a few moments and then I told him that I thought that by attending a school focused on one thing, I could not get as broad an education as at a Liberal Arts college. As much as I love the arts, I think I could bring more to a profession in that field if my knowledge expands across the curriculum. And who knows, I may get into other things. The only issue with that is accessibility. Most Liberal Arts don't necessarily have art programs. But then that's why schools with joint programs with other schools like Bryn Mawr (UPENN) and Brown (RISD) are on my list.

I still don't know what I want to do with my life, though. Here is indecision, at its best. Being a kid can be so nice, the simplicity of it all anyway. I used to be able to say, "I want to be an artist! A writer! A teacher!" Scratch out that last one. Children bug me. Or maybe I've cast a generalization over them because of my negative experiences with my cousins. Maybe I should call that quits. But yea. Not at the moment.

I don't know what I'm rambling about anymore. So, buh bye for now!

Day # 36

Nope, nope. I was gonna start working on my contest entry tonight, though. I will regret it in the morning.

I was in a daze all day long today. Kinda like aftershock. I asked Andii about it, but we really didn't go into detail. I just feel so odd. I want to be loved, so why am I resisting it like this? I guess I don't want to be pulled into it, but to fall into it for myself. In other words, I want to be able to say I love you in my own time, on my own terms. I don't want to feel forced. So please, give me time. How long that can take, only time will tell. But don't worry, I like you. :) Maybe too much for my own good.

After school today, I went with Andii to her house. We watched The Thing (well, I kinda dozed off on it) after some pasta, then we went up to the cave to play some Sonic and Mario Party 5. We didn't finish, had about four turns left. Yea. This is all boring filler. So I'm going to end it. Toodleloo.

Day # 35

No updates.

Yep. Just as I suspected. All it took was three special words and I went into shock. I have been staring at this screen for ten minutes, thinking about it. How difficult is it to repeat that phrase back to someone? Well, not difficult at all. But there is a difference between saying it and meaning it. And I believe that I can't possibly mean it if I don't know what it means. Let's look it up, shall we? LOVE. Hmm. So sure, I understand all of that and can identify with a good chunk of it, though because of my nature, I haven't given into it. I somehow consider it to be an element of vulnerability. By the definition, I'm sure we've all experienced it in some sort of form but yea... I personally have not really experienced it in a very tangible form. And to have someone say it that isn't a member of my family, isn't Andrea, or isn't just using it in a joking matter, is weird. We talked about it before and it was the strangest thing but I just kind of automatically defined it as an element. And I really do believe it is. It's just there, much like water, fire, earth, and air/wind, and cannot be obtained or controlled like a mere possession. Well actually, that last bit depends on how you look at it, but yea. Of all the elements, it stays the most true to that last fact. Or something.

I'm confused. I hope it doesn't hurt that I can't say it back yet. It just takes longer for some than others. And then I was always warned that it can be used against me. Geez. I feel like I have been told to be wary of everything, right down to the color blue. I am so tense about everything because of it. Sucks.

Good night.

Day # 34

As nearly always, there are no content updates. But I do plan to at least color something soon, just in time to make it for Kina's Halloween Art Contest. I already have something drawn and plan to ink it via tablet. Haven't used that thing a long while. Uh huh. Again I feel confident about my chances of victory, but, we know what happened last time. But, it's not that big of a deal. It's fun to compete altogether. Yep.

Hanging up the phone is soo difficult. I tell you it's true. Today in school was the weirdest thing. People who would have never given me the time of day before were all like, "Like, oh my god, Asia, was that your boyfriend at Homecoming?" Meanwhile I'm just giving them this look like, "Do I know you?" "Yea, he was really cute." Thanks for telling me. I kinda forgot. [/end sarcasm] It doesn't bother me that they think so, but that they feel the need to tell me, that one difference suddenly makes me worthy of conversation with them. In general, I don't like the "personality" of Strath Haven. It seems so... phony sometimes. On all fronts. But that's ok. I've found my little niche and that's all I need. Well... that was then. Now that I have him in my life, a new perspective is layed out before me. The second he left, I was irritable. Friday night when I had no clue what was taking him so long, I was irritable. Suddenly, the sound of the phone ringing is music to my ears. It used to annoy me alot having to pick it up, knowing that nine times out of ten it wasn't for me. I didn't care that it wasn't for me, just that I had to pick it up. Lazy bones.

I stayed after school with Andrea today. SOMEONE DECAPITATED MY CERAMICS FIGURINE! But oh well. I took it as a sign that I'm just not cut out for that crap anyways. It hurts my hands. I like my hands, if nothing else on me. So yea. We were talking and stuff, about relationships and other random crap. You know, I can't figure out what color her eyes are. One second they're grey, another green, blah, blah, blah. I always go off on a tangent. So yea. I can stare into her eyes for a while, but not his. How weird is that? I'm just too uptight about everything. 'Sides, it took me a whiles to warm up to her too. (Go figure, I know she's been exposed to the spleen inflaming disease, but I don't hesitate to sip from her cup. Fact, I shared a soda with her today. Am I screwed up or what?) But in time, it'll come for him too. Quicker, if I wasn't such a prude. Agh.

...I forgot everything I wanted to write. I'm... kinda tired. So I bid thee farewell and a good night.

The Voice Inside My Head

New link exchange, Morghan! Yay. I REALLY want to update this thing.

(Yes. Blink 182.) Already, I miss 'im. WTF. This is a really weird feeling. And I like it. As for the kissing gig, I screwed it up again. Seriously though, what the heck is my problem? As the day wore on, I was becoming more comfortable around him. And maybe, in much less of a public setting, I could actually allow him to kiss me without making it look like I'm fighting for my virginity or life or something else the media has managed to devalue. Random. Maybe I have to ask my parents for permission on that too [kissing]. Maybe then I'd feel better. XD I am so sad.

Everyone likes him, which isn't so much of a bad thing on this side of the fence. It's over there that I'm worried about ALL the time. I don't really get the sense from him that I can't trust him, but he seems like a party animal. And I am SO prone to disappoint him on that front. Then all the sweet things he told me... that makes me feel like, "What reason do you have to distrust him?" Then lingering lectures play in my head of all the little tricks the boys play. And that's where everything comes down to. It's like this fear I have of... I dunno, disappointing my parents. But they've repeated it so much, it feels so much like it's a part of me. And I can do almost nothing without their voices inside my head. So maybe I don't have a phobia of any of those things. Maybe it's just them, constantly screaming in my ears, CAUTION. The apathy button malfunctions in that area. Boop. My head is spinning with lots of random thoughts, the most prominent being, Asia, why do you suck?

Night.

Like, OMG (continued)

Mikero is back on the affiliates list! Yay! Please be sure to check out his site.

And then...he told me all these things and I'm like... that M2M song off the first Pokemon movie. But it's not so much that he doesn't know me, but... I don't even know. Somehow, I felt like I was tearing him from his friends. Geez. Guilt is back again. And this is why I lie in bed for about an hour every night before I actually fall asleep. Too busy thinking about every and anything, every and anyone, Nothing, and no one. G'nite. I'm going to write a book someday.

Like, OMG

No updates, duh.

I feel soo bad. He tried to kiss me and I kinda blew 'im off. I dunno why. Maybe because Brad was in the car? I guess that shouldn't have mattered but... as much as I love the movie Never Been Kissed, I wouldn't want my first to be a huge spectacle. I have serious issues. So much for my amorous nature. Pshaw. I feel like I probably also disappointed 'im because of the fact that I didn't dance. Actually, he admitted to that. I don't understand what that is about. Why can't I just dance?! I wonder what phobia that is? Geebus. But at least we had some fun today. We left the homecoming dance early and went bowling with Andii and the crew. At one point she and Noah went off to get a snack or something and Tim asked me where they were. I was like, "I'm sorry, Tim, but they're out in the back makin' out!" Then he said something like, "Well we're all that's left," and kinda poked me or something, laughing. That was AWKWARD. But then I was glad because then I knew for sure that we were friends. I don't know where I got my doubts from, though. Yes. I broke 100 and beat Brad by 4 points!!! I'm way better at bowling at night I think. Or maybe just when I'm hyper. After Brad dropped Noah off, he kinda started to ask me alot of questions, like why I kinda blew 'im off, or if I was the type to not like anyone to get really close to me. I really don't know. I must have serious insecurity issues. After bowling, we all went to Andii's house. I haven't been there in SO long. It was nice. We started to watch this anime called Read or Die on the Cartoon Network. New favorite. And then... that was pretty much it.

I came into the house, had Margaret lecture me about being late and moped around the house a bit, feeling guilty. What is wrong with me? I need to talk to mum and dad or something. I've heard the birds and bees spiel too often to the point where I'm absolutely terrified of getting stung (though very curious of the mark it leaves behind), but I wasn't told much about all the stuff before that. AGH. Hmm... I think I write better at night. Sometimes.

But at least I have something to be proud of. My SAT score shot up 90 points (wow, not much after I thought about it)! I have a 1210, a 640 verbal and 570 math! So all the guilt is canceled out and I can go to sleep. Hmm... I wonder what happens if you sleep with eye makeup on. Let's find out, ey? G'nite!

... (continued)

Ok. I feel better now. But now I'm gonna have to kick his ass. Talked to his friend, said he left about 2 hours ago (and that was 9:49 pm). I SO could have gone to the game. AGH. Calm.

...

I can't sleep. The anger has passed and now worry is starting to settle in. My chest hurts and my stomach is tied up in a knot. Where's icecream when you need it?

Day # 33

No updates.

WTF. 7:45. NO signs of 'im. I NEVER miss the Homecoming game. I can't believe I'm going to miss the Homecoming game! I'm...kinda pissed. It'll pass. Just as soon as I go take my nap...

But first, let's talk about today. It was nice, having the choice to go to class. I'm pretty sure I did fairly well on the STAT test. I hope I didn't wind up using the calculator or "extrapolation" too much. Helping with Homecoming decor was actually kind of annoying. I applaud the Student Council. They ACTUALLY get things done.

Today I had a guidance appointment with my AA there. The forks in the road are starting to disappear. Now the trouble is moving forward.

AGH. PISSED. Good night.

Day # 32

Teensy little update! Added a new affiliate, Courtney. Newest affiliates appear at the bottom of the list unless they'd reapplied or something. They are listed in order of...application. Yes. I wish I were friends with most of my affiliates at least. It's starting to feel too much like a web ring, too anonymous. My most dedicated affiliates are Kafu and Kota. And by dedicated I mean we actually talk. Kota I actually know irl, so that might have a little to do with it, but Kafu who is SO far away... Well, I've bragged about her enough. XP Still, I love and thank you all. And I understand perfectly well that you're all pretty busy but...yeh. Hmm... Maybe I'll change the affiliate policy a bit, ey? It's not very clear as of now, actually. Merrily we roll along...

Just a FEW hours and he'll be here! We were nice to the ol' roomie and handed the phone over to her so she could blab to her little piece of sunshine. It seemed pretty fair, since he will be here pretty soon. Next weekend, I get to use the same excuse. Muahaha. EXCITEMENT! And jitters. What's also great about tomorrow is that I will miss class to help spruce up the gym for Homecoming. YAY. 'Cept there's a test in Stat that I hafta take. Ah wells.

I miss my mum 'n' dad 'n' sis. Alot. :( And I am going to go to bed before I collapse. I am SO tired. Nighty!

Day # 31

Nuh-uh. No updates, sowwie.

Two days (or one?) until Homecoming Weekend begins!!! This week has actually been passing by sort of quickly. FINALLY I'm set with the homecoming outfit. And for the first and probably last time for a VERY long while, I bought a $20 skirt. (Might be the shorterst one ever too. Uhm...no actually no. I remember I once wore a green plaid skirt that was my hand's length up my leg. NEVER AGAIN.) EW. Oh but I do love Charlotte Russe. The shirt is actually sorta wacky (ARG I hate diagonal stripes), but big whoop, it'll be dark anyways. I just hope it's considered semi-formal. Otherwise...WHOOPS.

Gotta swim tomorrow. Craptastic. My hair almost looks about dreaded up from all the chlorine and whatnot. *GAG* Going to get my hair did tomorrow too. Uhm...exciting. I wish my mommy could do it though. I still think she does it best, in terms of EVERYTHING. Yep.

I am SOO tired. I actually don't feel it yet, but the moment I get to 2nd block, I will. I woke up a little bit before study hall today and I was swearing that I was going blind in my right eye. It was scary, even though come to think of it, it has happened before. Maybe sleeping with a hood on under blankets is bad for you.

Well, nothin' much to tell. Nighty!

P.S. I think I'm experiencing emotional distress. I want SO badly to be affectionate, but...why is it so difficult?

Day # 30

Uhm yea. If you couldn't tell, I edited the layout so that it is centered instead of on the right. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, now there is a huge gap under all the content. I haven't figured out to fix that and probably won't until I make the effort to make a new layout altogether, so please ignore that for now. Thanks. On second thought, there were even MORE errors, so for now, the layout will remain the same. Centering will be a project for next time.

Progress on the homecoming outfit. One of the freshies had a striped shirt. But now, for the BOTTOM. What kind of skirt do you get for something like that? I might get fishnet stockings. I can't find my freaking shoes from last year, so I have to run over to Parade before that sale ends, preferably. Poo. Oh yea. And Party City for a pirate hat... 3 days now. People are so excited to meet 'im. To the point where it's like...omg stfu. MINE.

We got our interims at some point this weekend. Not too happy with my Stat and Phy grades. I HATE math with a passion. But we still have another quarter for me to pull that up before we get our first parking period report cards. Yep. I'm being CHALLENGED. And ew. I have an A- in English. Wtf is that? I have to get an A on the next essay.

The Korean girl, Grace, asked me to try to draw her today. Try is the key word here. It sucked. Practice. EGH. I think I'll bring in my DigiCam tomorrow and snap a shot of 'er so I can practice in a much more comfortable setting. I was getting a little annoyed knowing that the others were breaking their necks to stare at my lack of talent. Poo.

Well. I'm out. Hmm...I need a theme for the next layout.

Day # 29

Nope. None.

Wow. Almost a month of school done. By tomorrow, there will only be 150 days remaining. And that's supposed to go by oh so fast. Am I ready? Time will tell. Speaking of tomorrow, we have a THREE HOUR DELAY! (Poor Sophmores) School should really open that same time everyday. It's a given fact that teens' clocks function like 11 PM bedtime, 9 AM wake up. Or something like that. I hope my sister's ok. I ought to call, but I haven't found my cell phone's charger. So responsible.

4 DAYS UNTIL HOMECOMING. And I haven't a clue what to wear. I went to the mall today, only to find NOTHING. I got some ideas, but I don't know if they'll work. And I have to find my shoesies. I have no idea where they went. I hope I didn't leave them at home. FISHNET STOCKINGS ARE SO EXPENSIVE. I hate shopping, especially for specific things. New news - my best bud is coming to homecoming and that makes me even more nervous than I was before. I can't exactly put my finger on why. Maybe because I care too much about what she thinks. I'll get over it. In the end, it doesn't even matter.

Well, I'm done now. Nighty.

Wow. Just Wow.

Minor updates. I added the results to my latest review from Honest Truth Reviews You care.

I should be asleep. But I'm not, for a number of reasons. I slept alot this weekend, number one. Number two, CRAZY PEOPLE. When someone goes and does something you never expected them to do, something dangerous, especially someone so dear and close to your heart, everything gets thrown off balance. I feel like it's all my fault. Because I don't call enough? Because I don't write? Because I'm not there? Why would you go and do something like that? How would it solve your problems? Couldn't you reason that it'd only make matters worse? I can't believe that. My little sister. What were you looking for in that place? There was no way for you to find solace there. Why couldn't you have just picked up the phone? I can't believe how easily it was allowed to happen. I can't believe I didn't really know she felt that way. Why couldn't she just tell me? I tried to talk to her about it. And she just closed up. Great, that helps. Another thing to scramble my brain. At least she's ok. But now I really have to talk to her. Geez.

The trek to Conneticut definitely helped to open my mind a bit with this college thing. Now to get it down on paper.

Crazy people.

Day # 28 - Beverage of Fire

I feel like I generalky repeat myself in this area. Maybe updates should be put in the Welcome Box. This'll have to do until the next layout because that thing looks crappy when it scrolls. Oh and please excuse my spelling and grammar. I'm feeling kinda tipsy.

But don't be alarmed. Nothing serious. I'll get to that ordeal later. First, let me say, YAY for no school today! Those are such nice days. So this morning my AA comes to pick me up, a lil' late, as she'd expected. We get to Wesleyan. It was actually...nice. I liked it. I wish I'd been able to be there for the entire Info Session, but we were running a little late. UGH, another tour in the rain. At least it won't be that way tomorrow, for Trinity, AGAIN. For the ABC college tour, we visited Trinity. But it was raining like hell, and I was so focused on not getting wet that I wasn't really payig much attention to the guide. She was kinda boring anyways. The other group's tour guide, a dude, was far more entertaining. Today, visiting the campus - I felt like I'd never been here before. It was so good seeing Erica again. I've missed being with her and Shayna, together. Yeah... So yea, Trinity is definitely on my list. It's so nice to have these girls here to talk to, because this college thing was certainly making me a little crazy. So yea... After we had dinner at this place called...I forget. It was some sort of tavern. Not the usual kind, I'm sure. They had good pizza and pasta. Yep. So after that, Erica took me back to her dorm, then we went to my AA's son's dorm. To...allow me to witness something for the first time, something I'm positive I will not partake in very often in the future, if ever.

Her hands quivered as she stared into the cup in hand, its fumes licking at her nostrils like the flames of hell. "I can't do this," she said, nervously. They assured her that it was simple, and that the small amount would barely have an affect on her. "Are you sure?" They nodded, pressuring her to gulp the cup's contents quickly. "Can I practice with water first?" she asked, placing the cup down on the table in front of her after several failed attempts to place the rim to her lips. They placed the cup in her hand, comparing the beverage to some good friends of theirs, Mary Jane, TV. Their host offered her an orange Gatorade, a reward if she could swallow both quantities of the substance. She took one last nervous glance, cocked her head back, and gulped. The flames singed her esophagus, their heat lingering long after it'd extinguished in her stomach. They laughed at her facial expressions, assuring her that it hadn't been as bad as she'd thought it was, only she didn't feel the same. She gagged as she took the second round, finishing off the Gatorade in one long sip. She gasped, waiting for the burning sensation to pass. They assured her that it was better that she'd experienced it with them and not with perfect strangers who would've opted to have her hurt. She smiled, shook her head, thinking to herself, "Never again." Never, however, is a strong word...

I love to write. I'm sure I could write something better than that. But I'm kinda dehydrated which is making me kinda dizzy, so I'm not up to par. Not only that, but I'm tired. Maybe I'll refine that little story some other time. Well, good night. Oh and, don't worry guys. It's all in your head...

Day # 27

The usual. No updates.

Uhm...yea. So today was ok. Although we had to go swimming, I actually didn't have so much of a bad time. Of course we had to go in the deep end today, so I almost died, even though I did have the floaty like everyone else. I CAN'T SWIM! I'm way too panicky in the water, and I get so tired, too fast. I am the epitome of athletically inept. Ja. Uh...what else... Why is it that I always wind up talking about gym in this thing? Is it really the only exciting part of my day?! Oh no, wait. We finished watching Stand By Me in English today. I LOVE THAT MOVIE! I couldn't believe that there were ever any 12 year olds that mature or that Stephen King was behind the novella, but it was a nifty story, short and sweet. Sweet, like and unlike some things.

Unlike this weekend. I'm going with my Academic Advisor (now to be referred to as AA) to see Trinity and Wesleyan up in CT (therefore this blog may not be updated until Sunday). It's nice that I'll be able to hang with Erica and Shayna (aka Big Sis) again [OMG MY HAIR!!!], but...I feel like I haven't had much time for myself. But oh well. College matters first, otherwise I won't have much time OR money for myself in the future. I feel like I've written this before... Meh.

Sweet, like somebody I know... And I don't think I'll get to speak to 'im this weekend. *cries* We have some interesting conversations that I never ever want to end. 8 DAYS. And I'm finding that I can relate to the JoJo CD more and more. Or something. I just know I like it now. Pop. Pfft. PLEASE.

Oh shiitake...I have to go pack. Well, have a good night! Off I go.

Day # 26

No updates.

So what else is new? I think running in Gym has definitely helped me get rid of this cold faster than usual. I'm already better. Yet, I remain ill - I am SICK SICK SICK with worry. He hasn't called and everything that's been said in the past few days is just like...arg. You wouldn't do that to me, would you? I need minutes!!! If I could just know that he was ok. *sigh* Past 11 so sleep is about the only thing that'll take my mind off of this... G'nite.

Day # 25

NO updates. Cept I changed the Welcome Box and More page. ALL YOUR FAULT.

Today. You know, these days I'm beginning to realize that it's not so much school that I hate, but the college process which is bringing alot of stress to the table. There are other factors, but that is the most prevalent. Still, even that is starting to look up. The head resident director (from this point on to be reffered to as RD1 - she has my birthday btw) gave me advice today and it really...helped. But I need someone to give me that extra shove, to be like ASIA, SIT YO' ASS DOWN AN' DO DIS. Your mother (or both parents if you will) will always be the best nag of all time. All these other people can TRY, but to no avail. I like that word. I think I've used it at least four times now. Peers can be pretty motivating as well. Only, it's often in the wrong direction that they tend to tug. MOO COW.

I think my grades are being kind of shifty. There is just too much math (and crappy electives) in my life. Speaking of my elective, Team Sports, for the past week we have been running a lap around the school instead of three minutes around the crowded gym or in the cardio room. It's not so bad in the cool air, but I never did like running. So I WAS A FOLLOWER TODAY and followed all but one of my classmates (Damn Japanese! XD That will be the first and last time I ever say that. I'm obsessed with Asian folk.) into the school, cutting the route. It was far from an ingenious plan. So he had us walk over to the track (at the middle school) and run a lap around that. That wasn't so bad. I barely made it, though. Around the school has negative slopes, so that helps to ease things a bit. And after that, FLOOR HOCKEY!!! That and badminton are really the only things I enjoy about gym class. I'd add volleyball, but I'm not that great at it - great meaning possessing the inability to get conked in the head / be motivated to just stand there. For floor hockey, I actually PAY ATTENTION and PLAY. YATTA. The other half of class we played basketball. I hate it. You have to be all up against sweaty people. Which isn't so horrible in OTHER situations, for whatever reason. Peculiar.

There was alot more I had to write. But there are too many things on my mind, like the need to sleep (which won't come easily because of certain people and events worrying me like crazy) etc. So, I close this and wish you a good night.

Day # 24

Another kiriban, missed. Maybe it's a sign, that I don't need to put anymore on my plate than what I already have, especially since I'm pretty much full. Sucks, the same way no comments and no updates do.

I feel better now. I went to speak with my guidance counselor today and he said the worse case scenario right now for me could be going to Bryn Mawr. And at this moment, it may just be the best case since I always have to stop and think awhile about whatever else is on my college list. He doesn't want me to feel like I'm settling for Bryn Mawr, but instead, that I really love it. I haven't even stepped into a classroom yet, so there can't be much room to destroy my opinion of the place, especially knowing how prestigious the place is.

Some point in the conversation, he was saying how I haven't found my spark, that one thing that will trigger excitement in me. I can understand where that came from. I rememeber when one of the fellows from the boy's house was saying that I didn't display my emotions. It kind of shocked me then when he made that conclusion, especially considering the fact that he'd known me for the shortest time and had been the first to really say it to me that way. It sort of came up before with what I remember one of the seniors of my freshman year saying something like, "Yo Asia, you don't ever get excited about anything. Like, I never hear you be like, 'Yo this is my song!'" Well...I was pretty indifferent toward the music I was being fed...and then there was rock...which is another, complicated story (that I barely understand myself) that came up in the conversation with the guidance counselor.

But to keep the story on track, I am pretty neutral toward everything. Either that, or there are two extremes, though I may not care to express them properly or at all. I either like you or I don't. I have the hardest time in the world being affectionate (though it's easier for me to put in writing - which is the case with everything - which is why I may appear to be an entirely different person online) and then when I do try to express that need to give off affection, it's usually to the wrong person, in the wrong way. There's a girl in the house that I tend to poke and prod at, pulling her hair, moving her things out of her reach - you know, little things to annoy her. I usually do that when I miss family,'im, and friends, which is actually kind of often now that I think about it...

The first time my best friend tried to give me a hug I felt SO odd. Then there's the not so quite best friend that I'm sort of mean to but for whatever reason keeps trying me who asks for hugs and I deny her most of the time. Andii is a different case. Somehow I've managed to become comfortable hugging her but when anyone else asks, it's like...no. Even if I actually like them. Though if I think about it, I have been getting a lil' better with that whole ordeal. I am SO afraid of physical contact and yet...I crave it. NO I'm not talking about SEX. I mean just being close to someone. But I believe I may not be far off from having erotophobia. Just the thought of it makes my skin crawl (is that fear or something else like...lust?). Still, I am ever curious. WHO isn't? Though they don't leave much up to the imagination on the BOOB tube these days.

Maybe I think about it too much. Maybe it's more of agraphobia in the end (if such a thing exists). I feel like I have been fed with so many precautions that I can't do anything. Every once in a while, being the good girl sucks. Although apparently, the good girl is simply a bad girl that doesn't get caught... ;) KISSING GETS YOU PREGNANT!!! What an amusing discussion that was. So if kissing is sex, then hugs are...kissing? So then what is sex itself?! Giving birth?! Though it probably feels better than that. XD Ugh. Crazy, crazy, crazy just thinkin' about you lately. KC & JoJo? I think. And they say guys always have it on the brain. I say females think about it just as often, just not the pursuing part of it, or perhaps the pleasure part. All creatures, after all, have this need to continue to exist, so it's in that brain somewheres. Rambles - my brain is in shambles.

Weird the way these entries progress. Back to the apathy thing, I tend to keep my excitement to myself because...well...there's just rarely anyone I can relate to, to share it with. Those few people are kept away in further places where people don't get to see. Like...at the CAC, I am loud and almost crazy (though I've calmed downed alot this year because of a steady decline in either faith in my artistic endeavors or maybe interest alone). Then...so much energy goes into being overexcited. I kinda like for it to be serene. That does get boring after awhile, but I don't have to bring the excitement to the table. Yea...I pretty much don't get hype about anything. If there is anything I can say I'm truly passionate about...maybe it's the very thing you see before you. I don't do it out of boredom...I truly enjoy it, particularly the layout switching part. But with indecision constantly plaguing me, I just don't believe that I know. Arg.

Again, again, again - chopped phone calls. He's starting to worry me too. The trouble with getting involved with someone else is that all their problems, or rather, what they'll allow, get added onto your own. It's a contract that way. ELEVEN DAYS. That's bad in terms of all the work I need to get done - good in terms of homecoming. Ugh. Thinking about that is raising calamity as well, on both the good and bad end. Geebus. G'nite.

Sunny Sunday

Uhm. Nope. No updates. But when there are people like Kafu that're actually coming to this place, commenting, and making their presence known, I feel like I have someone to update for. And that probably is a run on sentence and makes absolutely no sense, but the point is PLEASE COMMENT! It makes me feel loved, be it negative or positive feedback, because someone took some time out for ME. Oh and DON'T MISS THE KIRIBAN!!! 2,123! There is also one @ DA. I love Kafu, btw. Visit her site, now. Certain affiliates have been inactive for some time now and may just be set aside until I receive some sort of notice from them. I'm too lazy to handle that now, though.

I have a mild sort of cold - runny nose and the sneezies. At least I'm not dying, but it's not much fun. So today I went to my host fams and my host dad was doing what is usually "the wife work". He's pretty good at keeping himself composed, so when I was complaining that I didn't want to eat much and didn't like this, that, and the other thing, he eventually flipped. And I was shocked. And I felt SO bad. And I wanted to go cry about it, 'cause, you know, I cry about everything. I hadn't had a clue that he was under pressure at all. I felt so horrible about what I'd done that I almost felt like I couldn't talk to him for the rest of the time with him. Only he assured me that I could so I did. It was odd to be scorned by someone who isn't quite your parent but is. Even though when it happens via the staff in the house...it's like...different still. Yea. So that was odd.

After about 2 hours at the fams, they all had to go somewheres, so I went to the Schachs (Mamalita & Papa Gino). I love them too. Oh yea. I know an illustrator! Go buy Skippyjon Jones! And all her other books too, because they're so adorable. Do it, NOW. I love everything about those two. Truly. I was talking to her about art in general and my whole downslide as of late. All the college stuff is driving me into a steep slump in terms of mood, creativity, everything. In fact, I'm beginning to really question my intelligence, my talent...everything. Thus far, I'm getting negative numbers. This process is making me too critical of myself and it's making me sick. Then when the accept/decline letters start rolling in, that'll only make matters worse. But the really stressful part is getting there. Just thinking of all the essays I have to write... GAG. And to think, I love to write. But I'm not going to go any further with this because then I'd feel that much worse.

For whatever reason, I bought JoJo's album the other day. I don't know what in my right mind possessed me to do that. I mean, it's not bad, but...the rock thing has taken over and it just feels odd listening to it. Maybe it was some weird sort of nostalgia. It was either her or Fefe Dobson. I think I let the other two girls I was with lead me astray. Whatever. Fefe will join us next week. Mmmf...I need to go find a getup for homecoming. Approximately 12 days until then. I'm so excited, and I just can hide it. Yes. I meant can. All this college business is making me so apathetic towards everything. Music and drawing aren't quite working as escape routes. It's those phone calls that're helping me to cope. Strange, but true. I have to write to mum before she beats me.

Stress stinks. Arrid doesn't work. Yep. I'm so tired, cuzza this cold. Bedtime. G'nite.

South Street

Yea. Ok. You know the drill.

Yea. So today was SAT day. I think my brain shut down right after the first break. I wound up not getting to several verbal questions that I normally would have made it to, answering them correctly are not. Yea. I'm so frustrated. But hey, at least I know I won't be dealing with that anymore. Now for round two - SAT IIs. So much FUN.

After napping a little and doing my chore, Mamalita and Papa Gino (nicknames) took me and two of the other girls to Pearl Art on South Street. After that we went to a Greek Restaurant. They're so nice. They're one of the reasons I feel so spoiled half the time.

Yea. This hold on thing is becoming a issue. It happens too often. Then I'm left wondering what happened. Ugh. Tired. I'm used to going to bed at 10:30 thanks to the SATs. Geez. G'nite.

Day # 23

Sorpresa, sorpresa. Nada es nueva. Oh my, I've forgotten my spanish.

I am going to be studying ALL NIGHT LONG. SATs tomorrow, bedtime @ 10-11. Yep. I felt special for the beginning of gym today. Someone actually ASKED me if I was going to play today, and smiled when I said yep. Now, they could have just been smiling out of amusement, but later they helped me with my volleyball shot, to no avail, of course. I pretty much like my gym-mates. They're pretty supportive, and not overly competitive. The football players even let the special kids score. It's people like that make me sad about the fact that I don't know that many people in the school. But by the end of the day, there's always someone or something to screw it up, and that's when I stop caring. Like my Physics lab-mates who I feel like are constantly excluding me.

Yea. I was thinking today and I know that when it comes time to take finals, Physics is going to be the one to give me the most trouble. I'm not even supposed to be in honors. But my wonderful guidance counselor helped squish a few things around, even beyond what the "rules" would allow. Yay and unyay.

Ugh. I still have a mild headache from being conked in the head during wally ball. Nevertheless, I've still gotta study. Fun, fun. And g'nite.

Day # 22

...Would you feel better If I just didn't announce that there were no updates? Oh, that's right. Nobody cares in the first place. XP Oh wells. It's a source of entertainment for myself.

Uhm. Yea. I think Thursday must be my peak day for depression or something. Well...I wasn't exactly depressed or anything, but when I came into art class, just like the previous week, I just sorta sunk. It is such the weirdest thing. The kids in there are quite amusing, but still I felt kinda down. I don't know WHAT it is. I'm fine on Mondays. It's school I say. Ugh.

I can't wait to get those SATs over with and done. Expect a suicide letter if my score doesn't leap a couple of flights. I'm kidding, ok? STFU. Suicide is silly. I've gotten in trouble for joking about these things before, especially since we know someone personally who almost fell prey to this vice. I don't get that. What in the human psyche is so powerful to make you just want to end it and then give up anything to save yourself? Why are there always two extremes?!

Kay. Done pondering. Tired. Physics is getting confusing again. Our math tutor dude is a genious though. Do I understand? I'll get there. Like the day of the test and then forget it all the second I hand the paper in. Math sucks.

ARG. On hold, on hold, on hold. Yes. I'm on the phone right now. ALONE. But I'm tired, so I think I'm going to end it, sowwie. Well, g'nite. Smoochez.

Day # 21

No content updates... Maybe this weekend! I can cool off a bit after the SATs. I strongly doubt it though. Hey, just be happy you get to read about my EXCITING life almost everyday without fail. XP

For all the folks who actually CARE about my lack of online activity (uhm...probably just Max)...forgive me. School is just like...ugh. And then as you know, time zones tend to get in the way. I still love you, so no worries. n_n Hmm...there is also email in case there is anything terribly important you may have to say to me. That I kinda have to check everyday, otherwise I miss alot of events in school and whatnot. ARG.

So tonight was the National Honor Society Induction crap thing. It was all candlelit and cheesy. Mrs. Sharon Parker is always around to give speeches and I really admire her skills. She's a great speaker. Yea. So after that everyone was in the lobby for refreshments. My host dad, academic advisor, the academic chair, staff members from the house, and the house chair and his wife all came to see me. I felt loved. I was the ONLY black person there. I wasn't the sole souce of diversity there, but everyone else was Asian or Indian. The group was much more diverse last year, I'm sure. So yea. Uhm...exciting. Somehow, it doesn't feel like so much of a big deal. 70 some odd kids in my school were inducted so... Those who got the scholarships, those were the REAL winners. *claps* You know, ever since he told me that skin cells in your hands are shed/destroyed everytime you clap, I've kinda stopped. Wow.

I'm kinda tired now. Got a Stat quiz and some Physics work to catch up on. UGH. I forgot to get my excuse note for my abscence. CRAP. Friday. My homeroom teacher can yell at me ALL he wants. Yea. Nighty.

Day # 20

No site updates. So what else is new?

Uhm...YEA. My essay has yet to be completed (I need to conclude it somehow) and here I am writing this, being distracted by the phone, etc. Phone... Even though I did make the effort to finish my work early, we still got chopped because of his affairs. BUSY BUSY BUSY. Geez. Tomorrow I'm going to be inducted into the National Honor Society (crap...I missed the rehearsals on Monday) which happens to cut through study hall so I have to do my work early AGAIN if I want to use the phone at all. I will be SO happy when I finish those SATs on Saturday. I'll feel bad if it seems I haven't accomplished anything. But yea. I'm just gonna crash. I MUST go to bed early that day if it kills me. ...Some people are such FREAKS. It's actually kind of...interesting...and disturbing at the same time. You know what song I CAN'T get out of my head lately? Tempted to Touch by Rupee. It's reggae or whatever... I see I haven't completely dropped hip hop. So I guess my musical tastes are pretty eclectic. I need some new CDs...seriously. I'm done. Two long entries in a row, here's a nice short one. Uh...g'nite.

Semi-Daily Grumble

Of course there are no new site updates. It's 10:40. And really, I wouldn't even be writing this right now if it weren't for certain circumstances...

I was supposed to be on the phone since about an hour ago. I could've been on the phone earlier, but OTHER circumstances prevented that, such as chores and unnecessary meetings. I haven't got many minutes on my cellphone at the moment, so I couldn't just be like, "Yo, whassup witchu?" And I'd do that in a heartbeat, considering we haven't had a decent conversation since forever ago. In 15 minutes, the phone won't be an option. Because of the 11 o'clock lights out policy (which only applies to the freshmen), we're not supposed to have phone calls after 11 PM, at least not on the house phones because apparently, it'd be some sort of disturbance. Hardly, especially if the cordless happens to be downstairs. It must be a minor way of keeping the upper classmen in check too, to keep them from being on the phone late at night. Psych. I'll bet the boys house doesn't have these silly rules...

So yea. It miffs me when people dismiss their word repeatedly (Yes, yes, I know, everyone has done it, including myself), but it's also annoying on my part because I've become dependant on these phone calls. If I wasn't, it wouldn't be a problem. Or maybe the obvious thing here is that I care about him. And here I was thinking I was an uncaring person. Pfft. And what's worse, I have an essay to write for tomorrow night, so talking time will be chopped unless I am by some miracle, motivated to start it as soon as I get home from school - riiight... That's my rant for the night. Sweet dreams.

Day # 19 - BRYN MAWR

Of COURSE there are no site updates, silly! I'ma college girl for a day! XP

Yea so this was the weekend that I spent at Bryn Mawr. I've already been here a number of times, so there really wasn't anything that stood out as ah...I didn't know that, least of all, how much I like this school. I REALLY do love Bryn Mawr. Everytime I come here, I try to find something I don't like about the college and fail miserably. You would think the fact that it's all women's would bother me, but to be honest, in an all women's environment, I really feel like I can just be myself, whatever that is. I think coming to Strath Haven in itself has helped me define myself, but there is still so much more to me that I doubt even I know.

OMG I HATE MAC KEYBOARDS. I'm so used to having to press so hard but that's definitely not the case on these things. This computer has a really old version of IE and I went to view the site for a bit and IT WAS HORRIBLE. There were random tags showing up and all these things. The navigation doesn't work for whatever reason, but when I went to check individual pages, they worked relatively well. I also checked the site in Safari and everything functioned fairly well in that, though some of the CSS tags were malfunctioning. Mrrf. So yea.

I AM FREEZING at the moment, thinking of what I'd be doing in the school right now...ah yes, gym. My favorite. I saw Big Sis again and she's supposed to come meet me at 11. I might just wind up leaving early, go home, nap, CLEAN MY ROOM. Whatever. Oh yea, then there's homework and SAT studying. Ugh...Carol is definitely going to nag me about that. THIS WEEKEND I am taking the SAT I's again. It's amazing how quickly September went by. I swear, if I don't get at least a 1200 (which I'm pretty sure I won't), I will seriously cry about it. The scores at Bryn Mawr actually stretch further than that, but yea. If the SATs are a flop again, hopefully I'll do better on the ACTs this time. I didn't do badly last time or anything, which surprised me, because I was in the worst possible environment to be taking the test - urban, and around people I was uncomfortable around since I didn't know (or maybe just like) but one person. Yea. GOTTA go to bed on Friday.

If there is anything that concerns me about going to Bryn Mawr, it's the fact that Web Design/Graphic Design/Multimedia is not readily available on the campus. But this is part of the beauty of Bryn Mawr: you can take courses at Haverford, Swarthmore, AND UPenn. UPenn, being a large, prestigious university, obviously will have those things. But would they feel right for me? Perhaps I should peek at UPenn for a bit. I really don't think I'm considering applying there because I'm not too fond of urban campuses and how they wind in and out of each other (Drexyl is right next door), among other things. [END @ 11:10 PM] [RESUMED @ 1:10 PM]

So a little before I met up with Big Sis, I saw an old buddy from Strath Haven. She didn't appear to be as pleased with Bryn Mawr as much as Big Sis was, but some freshmen do take time to settle in, to feel right at home, so I didn't allow her discomfort with the school to deter my interest in any way. So far I've been hearing that the curriculum is very rigorous but also rewarding. I have yet to feel the fear of a heavy workload, though I'm sure it's right around the corner with all these random AP courses. And also, I figure, if you're planning to go to college in the first place, you're planning to dedicate yourself to school, because that's...just what it is.

So in general, I love Bryn Mawr. I made friends with two Korean girls (Go figure...Oh yea, I'm obsessed with those of Asian culture, almost auto, for those who don't know, btw.) on the trip. It was nice. I tried to push myself to socialize, though some of the other "specs" (ProSPECtive StudentS) were kinda quirky. But hey, if I wasn't that way too, I'm pretty sure that Bryn Mawr wouldn't have appealed to me in the first place. Everyone on the campus is just so...nice. There's no other way to describe it. It's such a welcoming environment that I can't help but want to come there. It's getting to the point where I am imagining myself sitting in their libraries, on their lawns, in their dorms, doing my work. Honestly...it's much harder to imagine myself elsewhere... And I really don't have any other places that I'm absolutely sure I like. Like...when people asked me, "Where else are you applying?" which happened alot this weekend, I could think of nothing but Bryn Mawr. Of course, there are other places, but as of now, I think Bryn Mawr is my number one.

Well..I think I'll give cleaning a shot now. Buh bye!

Living My Life Like It's Golden

The usual bit of nonexistant updates at your service.

I didn't know what to name this so I just wrote what song was on at the moment. I did absolutely nothing today, as far as nothing can go. Which is bad. I have plenty of homework to do and I STILL haven't unpacked. I am such a COW. And tomorrow I have to go to that college gig and...I'm feeling kinda iffy about it. The fact that I have to miss school is really bugging me. It's like a SIN. Ugh.

I was bored, alone for most of the day. I was kinda down, too. I haven't spoken to him yet. And it's 11! WHAT HAPPENED?! Well...I'm off.

Day # 18

Nothing for you, sorry.

It's odd seeing what my sister writes. It really is, though I couldn't tell you why. It's just like...a completely different side to her. Angsty. Pshaw.

I'm going to fail gym, guys. Be ashamed, be very ashamed. Apparently, I wasn't putting enough effort into the game, so I scored a P instead of a 5 for like three days in a row. It seems to my gym teacher that I don't run enough. My logic is, no one EVER passes the ball to the girls anyway, so why should I exhaust myself over nothing? He seems to believe that if I did make the effort to run, to make myself open, that I would get the ball more often. That's definitely not true. The guy is cool and yet he pisses me off at the same time. Ugh. How do you explain that on your transcript? HOW do you fail gym?!

So I got out of school a bit early to do the speech thing. It was ok. I was horribly nervous, being surrounded by OLD PEOPLE. This one guy was talking to us about his children and their college experience and he was coughing so loudly and frequently, I was afraid he would keel over and die. Yes. Because old people do that sort of thing. That's why I don't like them. And I don't like them because I fear for them, and for myself, knowing everyday I am closer to what they have become. Hmm... Good thing black folk age better. XD

I finished Neverwhere tonight. I truly do love the book. Our English teacher has been showing the series that'd aired on the BBC before the book was written, and it is the most amusing thing to me. And then the accents... The book is definitely ten times better. I really would love to see a remake of the series, though. It's pretty good, if you like fantasy. A bit of the Wizard of Oz and Harry Potter (pre), among other things. Yes, yes. It's fun to read the book aloud with a London accent. I couldn't pull off Richard's Scottish one, though. Oh yea and the Marquis de Carabas is HAWT. XD I'm seriously joking. But of all the characters, I think he fit his role the best. I liked the ending as well. Interesting.

No Phone. It's a song by Cake. The video is kind of amusing, a bunch of random, everyday people dancing to it. I actually did use the phone tonight, though not as much as I would've liked to, and certainly not without interruption. So very annoying. And then the on hold and gone thing...what's up with that?

I shouldn't really be tired considering the fact that I napped today. But I am. I think it's the fact that I know I have so much ahead of me this week. Hopefully, after the SAT on the 9th, I will slowly be able to ease back into normalcy. Or something like it. ARG. Bedtime, goodnight.